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AprilR
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  • I fell asleep in the office yesterday. I am too exhausted
    AprilR
    AprilR
    It happened before too. I am way too exhausted, and since no one knows about my autism i cannot say anything about it
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I wish my paremts were supportive of me quitting this job. But they are not
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I hate my life
    I messaged my friend i had a fight with. She messaged me a few days ago, i was not expecting her to ever contact me again
    AprilR
    AprilR
    It was. Part of it is related to her wanting me to act like my past self. We had an argument bc she mentioned i am always stressed and not accepting of her crazy ideas. So it is deeper than a one time thing
    T
    thejuice
    She's finding it difficult to accept the authentic you
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Maybe but she befriended me while i was masking so its partly my fault
    I still miss my ex best friend and our silly anime talks sometimes. *sigh*
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I have recently started it, and it is fun with lots of interesting characters!

    I used to watch a lot, but i think i liked Cowboy Bebop and Wolfs' Rain the best! What are your favorites?
    honeytoast
    honeytoast
    Rose of Versailles, Chainsaw Man, and Higurashi: When they Cry Gou are some of my favs. It's so difficult to pick them out lol.

    Cowboy Bebop is a classic, haven't watched Wolf's Rain (yet).
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I could not finish Rose of Versailles, my heart could not take it! I watched Higurashi also, but not Gou i think.

    Yes, it is hard to choose among so many good shows..
    I am kind of sad i wasted my vacation with needless depression and anxiety thanks to the fight i had with my friend. Tomorrow i return to work and i don't feel relaxed at all.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Okay. Try to stay grounded. Slow breathing, pace yourself.
    In other news i might quit my job on Monday. I want to consult my therapist first but my appointment is two weeks later
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thank you!
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Wow, big step. I am impressed. Good luck with whatever you decide! You really have changed all for the good. Very impressive. You help me realize that l can be a better person too.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    @Aspychata Thank you so much, i teared up a little when i read that. I have not been feeling well this week
    An old friend has messaged me and we decided to meet. Maybe this is a sign for me to drop the mask and act more like myself with new people.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    Being yourself, sounds great.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Yes, he is not someone who knows me well , so it may be the best chance for me to start forming real connections
    So after the fight with my friend i am healing day by day. I still don't know how to be honest with someone since people are scary but from now on i dont want to mask too much with people.
    T
    thejuice
    I find it hard to state my needs too
    AprilR
    AprilR
    In my case it is not hard but impossible. Because the country and society i live in does not care about my needs
    Thinking again, i think part of my friendships all falling apart is bc i am always masking and making so much effort to not appear disabled or abnormal. Sooner or later everything falls apart
    AprilR
    AprilR
    This life was not made for me. I sometimes wish i was not born but it is not bc i hate myself anymore. It is bc even though i changed to accept myself other people will not.
    tree
    tree


    "...sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
    ― Marilyn Monroe
    My friend and i had a fight on our vacation and we returned early. I am freaking out since she is my only friend but i dont want to be a doormat who cannot speak her mind either.
    Forest Cat
    Forest Cat
    That's a shame. It's important to have friends.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Yep but i am done with being a people pleaser who is always considering things from other people's view. I want someone to do the same for me for a change
    Forest Cat
    Forest Cat
    Yeah I can understand that. It stinks when a friendship is a one-way street.
    My friend keeps getting in car accidents. She just had an accident and now she is coming to pick me up for a 2 hours ride. I am scared to ride in her car
    kriss72
    kriss72
    Do you know why she gets into accidents? - Like if she don't keep her eyes on the road, then remind her to do, if she don't keep hands on the steering wheel, tell her to do - the pain from commenting, is less than the pain you will be in if she get into an accident with you in the car...
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    She isn't driving under the influence of something, is she?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    She keeps getting distracted. Something bad happened yet again when we are on the road (we are unharmed) i don't want to say what but i feel awful
    I am so tired and sad. Sometimes i feel like i have lived a thousand years but i still feel dumb. I feel so dumb near my friend. I am slow and dont know what to say in a lot of situations. It feels like she does not know me at all
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I miss my best friend of 15 years. I feel like she knew me a little more than my current friend.
    Hard work does not mean anything. I don't want to waste my efforts for anyone or anything. I will never be validated and rewarded anyhow.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    Thank you. Sometimes I feel like i have made no progress and i should not have had so much difficulties in the first place and i am just a drama queen. I have to remind myself that my problems were real.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    I understand that. Maybe we cycle thru things slower?
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That and not experiencing certain things. But sometimes i think that i am just faking my problems and blame myself.
    I have come to a closure regarding my ex best friend. I noticed that i never shared myself fully with her and was always masking, and she did not understand me being unable to understand social cues.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I have made a great effort to be her friend and she is probably not even aware.
    It comes down to lack of communication. I am glad i understand this at least
    Tony Ramirez
    Tony Ramirez
    Masking is exhausted. I did it so much I now have autistic burnout. This is the first time I ever experienced it. I don't like it.
    T
    thejuice
    I have so many ex friends haha. I have stopped masking most of the time, especially with people who don't seem to care. I'm just myself now except I'll only try with people who try with me!
    Maybe i am not meant to have friends at all. I don't know anymore. I just want to be able to help someone
    AprilR
    AprilR
    That moment when you mourn an old friendship but not too much, since you were also masking with that friend..
    I finally applied for a new job. It's a big company. I can't believe i found the courage to do that.
    Today i talked about my dream to get involved with/help local autism communities with my therapist. Since i am in the closet so to speak, it may be hard to hide it from my parents though
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