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New Blog Entries

  1. Chapter two. I can feel the light again.

    Wife and I got chatting about the "Hunted" programme again. I asked her to try the "AQ" 50 question test, she scored 11! I tried it with her checking my answers my score went up to 45? This has led to some interesting questions about my feelings, I do have them, just don't know how to put them into words. Her biggest fear is my "forgetting" people, I don't really miss those who aren't in my life everyday, that certainly doesn't mean I never miss anyone, just that my mind rarely dwells on...
  2. discharge/ gameplan

    50 minutes. plus or minus a few minutes here or there to account for others being late. Discharge is right around the corner. rightfully, i am anxious. that anxiety mostly based off off a not so great weekend spent at the house. There were problems, but problems can be fixed. this is a leap of a step forward. i can only see so far onto the platform i must land on through this fog, i can only guess what it is going to look like. it won't be stable at first, the platform will lean and wobble...
  3. Little Red Riding Hood no more

    I.. connect… the… dots…late… but I do. I found the “mystery” of why my ex husband didn’t want a wedding ring. For you, my dear reader, it might be obvious: because he doesn’t want women to know he’s married, right? But not for me. I can have something in front of me and still not be able to figure it out. OMG! I’m so angry. A few years ago, after one of our epic battles of screaming, I stepped out of our very-high-rise-apartment overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Panama City, took the...
  4. Enjoying the silence - ish.

    A bit of a "lightbulb" moment. It's 02.56hrs, in the North West of the UK. Clear, starry skies with just enough wisp of cloud cover to prevent frost. I'm awake after five hours uninterrupted sleep and grateful for those few precious hours (story for another day) Lightbulb moment: It's only just occurred to me that all things sensory with the potential to overwhelm are absent throughout the night. It seems blindingly obvious now that a tendency toward preferring to be awake at night,...
  5. another not so good day

    I am feeling exact way I felt last night. this is a new feeling. two days in a row, i feel this way. that is not new. what makes this different is i no longer have suicide to tell me that i don't have to feel this way ever again. Now, i feel. Now, i know i will continue to have night after night of feeling this way, with no escape. Life is god damn scary. looking at it in a certain light, life is unending torture. I have looked at life from this extreme, to the positive extreme. Life… i...
  6. A taste of what is yet to come.

    i am not sure what to say. all i know is that I need to say something. the weekend has been taxing. i am relieved it is over, while I sit her in hospital. I fear the implications of this. i feel more at home, in hospital than at home. I enjoy time with strangers more than my own family, because at least they know that they do not know me, but know enough to see that i have my problems that i am dealing with. family is rough. i am struggling to find the ways i can be myself around them,...
  7. Exhausted and proud: part two

    So, part two of my post. A few hours ago, I got home after working my first series of night shifts. 7 nights in a row, just me and a surgical intern to keep the hospital running between midnight and 8 AM. It's been terrifying, exciting, humbling and incredibly invigorating all at once. But mostly exhausting. In the last few months I was happy to have finally settled into a regular sleep cycle, but that all went overboard last week. Sleeping during the daytime just doesn't work for me, so I...
  8. Exhausted and proud: part one.

    Delivered as promised: a new update! It's written in two parts. One written 10 days ago before my night shifts, one written today after working the graveyard shift 7 nights in a row. Part two should follow later today. I've been adjusting really well at the hospital. Before my night shifts, I worked on the same ward for a few weeks and really felt at home. I liked the staff, liked the patients, worked my ass off and felt happy for it. On my last day on that ward, the late shift nurses...
  9. funeral day.

    To feel is to be strong. to feel for a great loss, why so wrong? i sit here bored. others, eyes sore cry tears of fear, happinies as uncle soars to feel is right. coffin wheeled out of sight. a great loss, at such a cost with time we wait one day will be ours it is only fate. still loud, even away from the crowd. i write now, and say, from a the refuge of a rocking chair I sway. comprehending, racing thoughts, unending. with pencil, to paper I send. When? When will this end? left to...
  10. Changing how a man looks good on my paper

    I now have a map with all the places with hidden mines that I have to avoid in my love life. These mines are charming, exciting, intelligent men, that had unloving mothers. I also have in my map a destination: a man with his feet on Earth, capable of love, (since he received lots of it when he was a kid, he has lots to give too). I also want my destination to be a man similar to me, with strong instincts to love his children, like a do. I want him to have at the top of all his...
  11. Good bye my Peter Pan, with love, your Mary Poppins

    As I promised, I am not trying to make you come back to me. You flew, and I just want to say good bye from the distance. First of all, I want to say thank you. Only you and I know how much you saved me, how much you changed my life: there is a before you, and an after you. You were my Peter Pan. You took me to Neverland. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I was your Mary Poppins. I also saved you. You needed me, and I magically appeared. But Peter Pans and Mary Poppins come and go....
  12. Calming down

    I sit here now. In this hard chair before my fingers moved expression, a blank stare Warm tea. racing mind big questions A refuge from my life I am trying to find Through words I type My thoughts into compression ski the bottom of the hill to express is my obsessions I shake either sitting or laying awake my mind is out of control Can't blame it I put the throttle to full is this right? to write? to seek refuge from the fire and light blinding, blinding white My mind Out of control...
  13. The men of my dreams

    I remember, a couple of weeks ago, that we both had a good day. That was not the norm, you being without a job, me, recently separated from my husband. The following day you told me you had had a very vivid dream. You were in a building, which collapsed, and you were standing there, unscathed, completely fine, without harm. I told you that I, too, had had a very vivid dream. You came to visit me, but something happened entering the house, and you cut your finger a little bit. I showed...
  14. A letter to you, my love

    I dreamed that I was in an apartment, in a building with glass walls, making breakfast for my kids. Suddenly someone calls me on the phone (I was wearing my Iphone’s headphones) and it was you. I get excited, happy, and move away from the kitchen, so no one can hear me. You talked to me, so cheerfully. We hadn’t talked in a while and you wanted to see how I was doing. I was delighted. I tried to make you see, with the camera, the garden that could be seen from where I was: beautiful, like...
  15. My imaginary man

    For the last several months, I’ve been in the most emotionally intimate relationship I have ever had. It was all virtual, I never met him in person. I felt seen, loved, sexy, understood. I felt I was walking hand in hand with someone that put my best interest in the same level that he did his own best interest. But somebody else in real life appeared, and suddenly things started to change. I was not his woman anymore, I was his friend; and when I felt hurt because of that, and told him I...
  16. Feeling ugly

    I’m very emotional. I separated from the person that was my couple for 18 years (married for fifteen years). I connected the dots of what was going on this week. I was disappointed. All these years looking for a reason. Elaborating the most complicated theories. And the answer is so vulgar, so pedestrian. Another woman. I have never feel ugly in my life... except when I was around 16 and my mom told me, “How do you think I feel? I used to have a daughter that was pretty, now I don’t”. I...
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