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You create your own reality.

By Raggamuffin · Apr 20, 2021 ·
  1. We started painting the base coats on our bedroom wall. Kristy bought some DIY plasterer kit. It didn’t turn out great. Even after sanding the wall I see so many blemishes and parts where it isn’t smooth, and the paint isn’t helping at all. Due to the poor quality of it all, the whole thing feels like a waste of time. Still, we need to get it finished. Kristy is putting on the undercoat today and we will paint the wall with the actual colour on Thursday. It was a bit much doing a full day at the office, and then spending several hours prepping and painting the walls. The room is small, it’s still got the bed, a table, some bags and other clutter in there. We were constantly shuffling things around to make space – it was very stressful.

    After we finished the painting we got a Chinese take away. It was £23.10 but I gave them £30 and told them to keep the change. Originally, I was going to pay £25.10 but I didn’t feel the tip was big enough. The guy who delivered the food was shocked and seemed over the moon. Ate too much and watched an episode of the Tudors.

    Speaking of stressful, do you ever do something that takes time, and effort and stresses you out – and once it’s all done, someone points out “why didn’t you just do this?” Kristy does that quite a lot, it’s not helpful. We had a TV cabinet to put on the local Facebook group to sell. It had been stored in the 3rd bedroom for years and was trapped amongst boxes and random stuff that needs to go to the container. As such I couldn't get a good photo of it to put on Facebook. So I decided to bring it downstairs. We live in a mid-terrace house and it's tiny. Trying to bring down this big, heavy cabinet when there's crap everywhere was horrific.

    When I'm doing something stressful I don't talk, and yet I've lost count of the amount of times Kristy will persistently try to talk to me. If I do reply it's brief and then I get told off for "being in a mood." Dear Lord, you were the one who's putting me "in a mood" and I'm doing my utmost to be as polite as possible without snapping and telling you to "F off".

    In the end, she came upstairs and helped the last bit to bring the cabinet down. When we got it downstairs she said "You know you could've just left it upstairs." Rage - there's no other word for it. Of course, it was all internal and I kept the peace as best as I could. I get this a lot at work too - being asked "Why didn't you do this" or "Why didn't you do it this way." I think this is why I crave making a living from my art and photography so much, because I would do things my way.

    I staffed on my lunchbreak today, first time since last Wednesday's knuckle injury. Things seemed ok, the only time I might aggravate it is when a move goes wrong, and my instinct is to snatch/grab the staff to prevent it either hitting me, or falling to the floor. During those moments of overexertion, I felt my knuckle throb. It’s only minor though, and after I staffed it hasn’t throbbed or ached.

    Today is very hot, and I take lunch at 11:30 – 12:30. That midday sun is very warm. Even though I put factor 50 sun cream on, I felt like I was burning up after 20 minutes, so I left early. The heat is never good on my mood, neither were the 2 women sat on a bench in the park when I arrived. One of them was a very large lady who seemed very over the top. She laughed at everything and, whilst I think she was sober, she was acting like a drunk.

    After a couple of minutes of staffing the large lady began to sing very loudly. She was very out of tune, and her timing on the few songs I knew was completely off. She was doing this continuously doing so for about 10 minutes whilst laughing with her friend. Again, I'm reminded that you shouldn't begrudge people having fun, and yet, the whole situation was making me feel extremely tense and at numerous points I wanted to scream at her and tell her to shut up. Don't think I'd ever do something like that though.

    “How did we do?” She shouted at me whilst laughing to her friend as they got ready to leave. At times like that, my patience and ability to mask is pushed to it’s absolute limit. But I pretended like I hadn’t heard her. and carried on staffing. Within a minute of this happening a couple who were walking near the park double backed on themselves to ask me if I set my staff on fire. That is a common question, and when I tell people that I do, they always seem shocked and impressed. They both gave me a thumbs up and walked off smiling.

    I felt a little awkward and assumed those women had noticed me replying to this couple and that it was clear I’d heard their question too and was ignoring them. Asides from how bad she sounded, the first thing I thought when she started singing was “this is why I prefer instrumental songs.” I'm often left wondering who is more obnoxious in these situations? The loud people, or my opinions of them?

    I'm staffing as I walk to and from the park now. It's fun and precarious trying to walk whilst staffing. I walked past the new guy at work - the one I've yet to talk to. As expected, I looked at him when I felt he wasn't looking. I'd then look away when I felt that he was probably looking at me. Classic Ed. Feels exciting though, and not half as terrifying as when someone catches me looking at them and then I have to frantically look away - "ABORT! ABORT!"

    Strange really, my blog posts seem to flick between positive and negative. I still can't help but feel like they don't portray me in the best light. Trying to vent and work through issues and thoughts which are probably quite alienating or irritable. Nobody likes someone who moans all the time and I feel like that's all I really do on here.

    Work has been busy, and I’ve been writing out every task I’m doing and how long it takes. Apparently we need to do so to justify getting a 4th person. Hopefully it’ll happen. There’s always a chance a new person means a new friend. I won’t hold out hope though (that’s the spirit) – there’s 30 people in this office and I’m not keen on any of them. Then again, I suppose I don’t really know any of them. I’ve never been drawn towards “vanilla” types though. Small talk, football, reality TV, weekends at pubs etc – none of that is remotely appealing to me. I’m drawn towards people who are weird, creative or just downright odd.

    The woman I sit next to at work talks very loudly. In fact, she talks so loud it pierces my Noise Cancelling headphones. Marvellous - that doesn't upset me at all. I think I need to ask Sony to make some Carolyn Cancelling headphones. When I take them off to answer calls the volume of her voice doubles and I often struggle to hear people through my headset. Again - wanting to scream at her to shut up, but instead I do nothing.

    Got my monthly credit from Audible. I got another one of the Jane Roberts, Seth books. I’m always astounded by the content of those books. It basically has you throw out everything you thought you knew about society, religion, science and life. Very self-empowering – after you get over the initial shock or disbelief. I’ve read excerpts to friends before, but most don’t give it the time of day or simply say it’s “interesting.”

    “You create your own reality” is the fundamental aspect of each of the books.

    Listening to audiobooks on the drive home is nice. Seriously though, I need to pick a lane and stick with it. I’ve got 5 books on the go and 3 audiobooks. Funnily enough, each time I pick one up and continue reading, it feels like I never left.


    About Author

    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.


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