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Yes, yes

Freedom or restriction?

Each time I became single I felt freer. When me and Meg decided to go back to being friends I felt a physical relief from how much anxiety I’d had in our relationship.

Thing is, since then I haven’t really felt that free, and whilst reflecting on my behaviour and emotions the past few weeks, I realised co-dependency was still very high. So I’ve been working towards moving away from that.

I reminded myself that Meg liked me originally for who I was, so there’s no need to bestow her with my sense of self-worth. Since being friends, I put in far too much time and energy into messaging her lots, and wanting to meet each weekend or whenever possible. Truth is, that was taking from me. Whilst I enjoy making time for friends, I don’t have many of them – and also, I put in way more effort with Meg than anyone else I know. Why the bias? Because of the above – I still felt this need and desire to impress, and to do anything and everything I could for her. This self-sacrifice isn’t noble, or healthy. Quite the opposite in fact.

A message in the morning and evening sounds sensible. Even then, it might inevitably reduce. It doesn’t need to be a set pattern – but I need to ease off the gas with my behaviour, as it wasn’t healthy. Meg said this has been the nicest transition she’s ever had when it comes to being friends with an ex. In truth, that transition is over. We’re friends, the sexual tension has started to decline, and now that she’s not working – she is free to do as she pleases, and with that came my realisation that now is the time to focus on me, and she will be doing the same for her.

We have our own lives to live – and it’s very unhealthy that I put my life on hold when dating, and forgo myself for my partner. I need to be living for myself and getting to where I want to be. Truth is, I’m still happy to meet her when she has free time, and I imagine 9 times out of 10, if she asks if I’m free – I probably am. Once my van is done, then I might end up not being as free, because I gradually want to start exploring England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland. I’m still not sure how much of a wanderlust I really have – but I know that if I don’t try, I’ll never know.

How I’ve acted in relationships has been a set pattern though. Whilst I’ve grown and learnt in various areas of my life and mental health – when it comes to my self-worth whilst in a relationship; I am severely off balance, and co-dependent.

Life on the road sounds excellent. I wonder if you can be co-dependent with a dog? Haha, sounds silly. Honestly though, once I get a dog – I would give it the best darn life possible. Oh the energy and the cuddles and the smiles. I know it’d be good for me, and it’d teach me responsibility and also love – because when it comes to humans I still don’t know what love is. Truthfully: I’m very confused about it all. Mind you, when your self-worth is all messed up, and you invest it too heavily into other people, I guess it stands to reason that I’d dubious about the term love. As I’ve said before – if I don’t love myself, then loving anyone else isn’t really possible I guess.

Onwards and upwards I suppose. In general I feel like I’m doing better. Driving sensibly 90% of the time which is good and saves money. Money in the bank account is going well, not going insane with impulse buys – although they still happen. Eating better and finally starting to drink more. I just need to keep on top of regular showers and brushing my teeth.

Rang my friend Alana on FB last night. She’s in Australia and rang me on the way to work. We chatted for 40 minutes or so. It was good to catch up as we hadn’t spoken outside of instant messaging for many years.

Been playing a lot of No Man’s Sky in recent days. I guess with dark evenings it makes sense that gaming is ramping up. Then, when the evenings get lighter it’ll be more cycling, walking and staffing. Not sure what the weekend holds – probably more of the same, doesn’t ever really change. Whenever people ask: I usually don’t have any plans, unless I’m meeting Meg. I think it’ll be a bit more ad lib with meet ups in future.

Had lunch and started feeling rather forlorn. Still can’t get that Meg & Guy thing out my head. Honestly, it was all addressed with logic and reality – and my anxious “what if’s” just don’t let go. It’s exhausting. But there’ll be peaks and troughs in general with all this. Started the day feeling quite empowered and positive about it, then started feeling down, lonely and a little needy.

In truth, I felt quite alive when I dated Meg. Whilst I couldn’t keep up with all the things she wanted to see and do – I did feel like the change from my usual pace of life was quite eye opening. But it wasn’t at a pace that I could maintain. But doing things on my own just isn’t the same. I still need that outside reaction and approval which is hollow and not important – yet it’s what I seek. Some you could pin on social media I suppose. Getting likes etc. is what has me keeping up with Facebook. Whereas, many a time this year I’ve wanted to delete my FB account and just use Messenger without it. But I did that once before, and eventually regretted shutting down my old FB art/business page, as it took a lot of years, ads and work to build up over 1k followers. Now I’m nearing 1400, and I wonder if it’s a waste to delete it. At the same time it feels like a waste being on there. Posting simply to acquire approval, likes and reactions from friends, but mostly strangers.

Why? I don’t need their approval. Yet it’s what I pursue.

I don’t need Meg’s approval either, but it’s what I’ve been pursuing ever since the first time we met.

Hmm, living for myself and being happy in myself and self-reliant. Sounds simple enough right? Would it were so simple I suppose. Hard to feel self-reliant living back home with my parents at 36. Especially when I’m regularly failing to keep up with the basics like – eating right, laundry, cleaning, hygiene etc. Still, at least once I’m in my own little world and out on the road – things should be more on my level and pace of life.

3 hours 11 mins to go. Should go fairly quickly I reckon. The horses are letting me make a lot more of a fuss of them. Even Rupurt, Molly’s cantankerous old horse has let me make a fuss of him 2 days in a row. He’s very hesitant and cautious, but it’s happening. I’m glad that with time, patience and a strong positive atmosphere around them – it’s paying off. Good to get some animal therapy Mon-Fri too. Not that this job is stressful much at all. Nowhere near compared to previous jobs. In fact, it doesn’t have me feeling as overwhelmed when I wake up, or as forlorn when the weekend comes to an end.

I think I want to spend some time on my dreads tonight. Had a shower this morning and it makes it all a bit fuzzy. I feel numerous locations where I want to have at it with a crochet needle. I left it at home, but bought another to keep at work. Yes, yes.

Ed

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