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Yes bruv!

Friday was productive at work, but how I left took some time to process. Initially it was shock. I rang Meg, we chatted briefly, but she couldn't hear me too well, so we decided to chat about it when we met later that evening. I also rang Guy and he said I'd scared them off with how I'd written about my mental health struggles etc.

Got home and showed the post to my mum, she read it and said the company wouldn't like me referrencing high staff turnover, stressed staff and people seeming quite pesimisstic. We talked quite a bit, it got emotional at times, but it wasn't anything negative. I did tell her that at times it feels like her and dad don't listen. Initially she gets very defensive if she thinks anything has gone wrong, a real spike in her energy. But we talked it through, hugged a few times. I cried a few times as well. But it was good to talk. However I was a little apprehensive how dad would feel about how the first time I've been fired.

Met Meg that evening, had some lasagne that her mum had made, and a coffee. Once we were done, she moved the van down to the next road. It was parked up outside the social club, which can get a little noisy at times. We took a mushie and had a brief smoke. We continued our Pictionary game which we've been doing since the first week we met. It's been rather wonderful, and it was nice to be able to hang out without it feeling too weird. There's an obvious closeness which I guess you have with someone who you dated and are still friends with. The hugs were great too, but it did all make me a little folorn at times.

I asked if she'd had chance to process anything, but she told me she hadn't stopped all week. So I asked her to take a moment and stop. She quickly became tearful. We hugged, and we talked. We spoke candidly, and it was a enough pleasant atmosphere, although of course it's been a heck of a week for both of us, and this was the night after we broke up. Still, it was friendly and civil. After a while I started feeling a little woozy from the mushie. I'd felt queasy about 5 mouthfuls into the lasagne at Meg's mum's, and I knew that it'd probably combine with the nausea I get on mushies, but I got through it without vomitting. A little overbearing at times, but it was ok.

When I felt a little spacey, I asked if we could go for a walk. We popped to the shop and Meg got a bar of chocolate. We headed to mine to use the toilets and I grabbed my housekeys. I wasn't sure if we'd spend the night in the van in separate beds, although I had a feeling it possibly wouldn't. We headed to the next village (technically a hamlet) to look out across the hill and see Cambridge. On the way out of the village there's a stretch of road without street lights. Meg got very anxious and so we headed back. She burst into tears and I hugged her. She regained her composure and wanted to carry on moving further into the village and away from the darkness that had made her convinced something terrible was about to happen. I referred to that level of anxiety later, saying this is how my mind gets me with fears and worries. Whether it was Meg & Guy, or Meg & Paul - or whatever it might be at the time. It can literally consume me to the point of absolute terror, and it happens regularly.

We headed back to the van and did more pictionary and chatted. Her laptop was dead so we couldn't watch a movie. Although I was painfully tired at that point. I got a second wind just before I left. I'll admit, at the time I didn't want the evening to be over, as I knew I'd see her less this weekend, and then going forwards it'd probably be quite sporadic, especially once her van is complete as it's highly unlikely she'd spend as much time on weekends in the Haddenham area, as she'd have full freedom to go wherever. In fact, when she was in Cornwall I remember her telling her friend Aub that the focus was to get the van done, and then she could go wherever. Initially I think it was referring to returning to Cornwall, but my heart sank when I heard it as I realised not only would work make us long distance, but so would her travelling.

I ended up staying up another hour or 2 when I got home. It was getting close to 3am when I went to sleep, but my internal clock still woke me up around 7-8. I was so tired it hurt. I spoke with my dad who told me how they fired me was illegal. It was nice to hear him passionate about it, as often I find he monologues in a way that really bores me. Sounds harsh I know - but being bored when someone is talking to you is physically painful at times.

I got a good amount of responses to the post I made on my FB art page on Friday afternoon, after I'd been fired. 4 old work colleagues responded and told me I was a very hard and dedicated worker. I messaged two friends who are some of the worst on my friend's list in terms of responding. One replies less than 5 times a year, and the other went years without responding, but had spoken with me a couple of times within the past month.

Anyway, I messaged them both, and they came back to me within minutes. My friend Graham from the job before last rang me and offered to take on the legal case and industrial tribunal for how I was fired from the job. I was quite overwhelmed by his support. I messaged him, sent all the screenshots of my FB posts and the work emails and Teams convo with HR. He called me back, and how he spoke and instructed me really helped me feel empowered.

Met Meg that evening and we went to March to get Thai food. She was finishing up setting an insect in resin on one of the knot indents on a wood surface for her van. The smell of the workshop and the chemicals was quite overpowering and made me uncomfortable, so I sat on a slab on the side path to their garden whilst she continued working. I read my autism ebook for 10 minutes or so.

When she was ready she asked if I was ok as I was a bit spacey staring up at the imposing clouds and twilight colours in the sky. I said I was still exhausted. I'd tried sleeping twice that day but couldn't fall asleep. The drive was fine though, I wasn't too tired to drive - in fact I've never been that tired. I can't understand how people can fall asleep at the wheel.

We drove to March and ate delicious Thai food. We talked candidly once again and it was a pleasant evening. When we got back she decided to have an early night instead of us watching a film together. We talked a little more before I left as I said I was getting a bit wayward and nervous about how I'd be spending these next few weeks trying to recuperate. I was worried about being lonely. Meg told me several times to go places, but not with the express intention of socialising. But treat myself to solo adventures.

Fell asleep quite easily that evening, and was asleep not long after 10pm. I woke up around 04:50 and decided to cycle. My throat felt like I was about to get ill. Normally it doesn't go beyond that, and passes in a day or so. But we shall see. I've certainly been stressed of late.

I had breakfast and was ready to leave the house on my bike just before 05:30. I checked and first light was at 05:37. When I got into the garden I looked up and the sky was black, the stars were really bright. It's uncanny but I keep spotting satellites moving across the sky, and the first patch of sky I laid my eyes on - another satellite. Did the same on Saturday night before me and Meg went to get food.

I set off and got to Long Drove - it's about a 3 mile long, dead straight, single width road that is surrounded by fields, and 2 houses. It's away from Haddenham and Aldreth - and it feels like you're out in the middle of nowhere. I parked up once I got to this road. When I turned around, I saw the feint brightness of the twilight colours on the horizon, over by Haddenham hill. It made me really excited, as I could tell the sky was getting a tiny bit bright, but I knew it was past 05:37 by the time I arrived at Long Drove.

Ended up sitting on the road and staring at the sunrise. I made a short video and mini blog dictation which I posted on my FB art page. I made my way towards Aldreth, and the sunrise colours kept getting brighter and more colourful. I got a really nice set of photos of telegraph poles. It's a theme and mini obsession of mine. I don't know anything about how they're made, what they do, component names etc. I just find them very aesthetically appealing and intriguing. Scheduled one picture to be posted at 6pm on my FB art page. Its 18:20 now.

Got home, and had second breakfast. Ended up listening to music. Had this section of this song on repeat a lot the past few weeks.


It made me cry several times, quite profusely. But it needed to be let out. Part of processing and grieving. I was glad that it felt like a release, and wasn't tinged with shame as I sometimes find crying is. I even shared the snippet of the song with Meg as well. It'd been an ear worm for quite a while, and it felt poignant in some of the lyrics:

Here again and I don't wanna be, no
But it feels so good
Oh, I'm here again and I don't wanna be here, no, I don't wanna be

Oh, it feels so good but I don't wanna be here
You were my addiction, I need to get over you
It feels so good but I know I can't be hеre much longer, no
All this time away makеs the fondness grow
I don't wanna be here, stabbing in the inside
We need to end it, yeah, it's been time
Even though it's been a lit ride
But yeah, I'm leaving you with you, you



To be honest the tone of his lyrics in the whole song is basically blaming the woman, which isn't the right theme at all for how me and Meg broke up - and it's not really a sound argument to make in any breakup. But rap and trap lyrics can be pretty dire at times, and S-X is no different.

But back to this blame bias in the song. I know that most of this breakup is on me - if my head had been in a better place, I don't think it would've ended. But it's ok - we both learnt, shared, had wonderful experiences. Yes, at times it was overwhelming and quite harrowing - but it also provided lessons and wisdom. Plus, we're staying friends. I told her on Friday evening that she had a friend for life.

But I do like some of S-X's songs. It's the usual autotune vocals, but he has dark vibes in his trap/bass instrumentals, and the themes and lines in some of his lyrics are pretty damn good. I'll share another at the end of the blog.

Decided to drive to Cambridge after second breakfast. Got there not long after 9am. Parked up on Bentley Road. It's a very posh area in Cambridge. Virtually all the houses are big, detached types and cost in excess of a million. But it has free parking on the street. It's only a 20 minute walk from the town centre, and parking in Cambridge isn't cheap. When we spent the day in Cambridge with Meg's friend Cosmo, the final car park ticket charge was over £23 for around 6-8 hours.

Walked into town with my headphones on. Did a lot of walking today - 8 miles in total. My feet hurt by the end. Headed into the town centre and picked up a cappucino to go. Went into one of the central parks which is just behind the main bus station for the city. The park is big and has lots of pathways going to various parts of the town centre. Foot traffic was decent, but not extreme. Staffed for about 45 minutes. Very good flow today, and yesterday evening too. Really nice.

Walked to Jared's. I text my friend Sanjay as well, but he wasn't free to meet and said he'd need more notice normally. Got to Jared's and he had a bought a few indie games. We played one which we both fell in love with. Great graphics, the best sound track I've ever heard in a game. Seeing how animated Jared was getting and with sound effects and jumping around on the sofa - I smiled. Not only did I feel we were on the same level, but I think it's safe to assume he's neurodiverse in some way shape or form. We put in a good few hours into the game. It was nice as it was just me and him. We bonded really well, and unlocked achievements, new equipment. A tough game as one hit kills you. You run around one hit killing Yakuza who keep spawning and chase you with swords. One enemy has a gun now and then. Another has more health. Then a boss when you get to 100 kills.

But the sound track is the best I've ever heard. It had synthwave, dubstep, trap, jungle and a couple of right nasty basslines. Proper skanking tunes at times. We had a great time.

One his friends who I'd met before popped round. He was someone who talks at you. I noticed me and Jared sort of zoned out a bit as he ranted about a promotion at work, and how bad their stock system was. Then about how he almost got killed on the way to Jared's. He reminded me of Jack a bit. A lot of monologuing that exhausts.

Later on he said he needed to get some stuff from the shop at the petrol station round the corner, but could get into trouble cos he'd shoplifted. I'd offered to go with him initially, but upon hearing that I was like - nah I'll just go for you. All he wanted was some Coke Zero as a mixer for his vodka.

Later on some more of his friends arrived. At some point Jared bust out a Die Hard 3 quote which is done by the villain played by Jeremy Irons. Jared blurted out real enthusiastically:

"Said Simple Simon to the pieman going to fair, "Give me your pies...

And I looked at him, and finished the quote - which Jeremy Irons also pauses when he makes. I did the accent and everything

"...or I'll cave your head in."

Jared's eyes and face lit up and he exclaimed:

"YES BRUV!"

He was so excited and gave me a fist bump. He said that nobody knows what he's banging on about when he does film quotes. It was a really good time to be honest. I managed to kill the boss for the first time as we played, and he gave me another fist bump. But we got distracted, I hadn't paused, and got mobbed by the first lot of enemies in round 2, and we both loudly shouted

"AHHH NOO!!"

It was "bare jokes" as Jared would say. Ahh, he's a good egg that one. Smart, funny, quirky and unique. But he's suffering too. He told me very early on when I got in that I was a "good boy for not drinking" but when he spoke of giving up, I heard and felt the emotion and the tiredness behind it. He's really struggling.

I left Jared's after 3 or 4 hours. In the end a total of 4 people had arrived, as the room was getting warm and I felt rather uncomfortable. Jared seemed ok this time, but I've noticed in almost all my previous announcements that I was going, Jared seems quite deflated and put out. But this time we spent a good few hours together, gaming, smoking and chatting - and it was friggin awesome to be fair.

I bought the game when I got home on Steam. Only £3, and bought the sound track too, because it's that immense. The game is called Akane. I recommend it - highly. Jared has a lot of games and he said he doesn't say a game is amazing very lightly. But this truly is. And I'm so happy because it's been years since I found a game I truly enjoy, and I think I'll put in time. I was getting really really good with the pistol aiming when playing. Super accurate and getting some amazing combos. Jared was impressed and said a few times it was nice to have another proper gamer over his house. Ahh, his energy is great. He really hasn't changed - it's just like the nostlagic, good old Cambridge days of my early 20's.

When I walked back into down I needed to pee. I'd gone to the toilet a bunch at Jared's. I'd been drinking a lot to stay hydrated as staffing and all the walking meant I had to be careful and not get dehydrated or dizzy. Went to the park toilets but knew I'd have to pay and didn't have the right change, but someone had left a door open with the lock bolt open so the door was constantly ajar and couldn't be shut. What a legend.

Walked across another 2 parks and back into town. Went into a book shop and bought a book called Phosphorescence. Supposedly a best seller. It was in the Religion, Spirituality and Wellbeing section of the store. Haven't began it yet, but I think it's another book that'll contain wisdom and good ideas on steering myself in a healthier direction in life.

One of the people working in the book store was M2F transgender. As soon as she saw me she had a timid, awkward smile. To be honest, that day I'd felt good in myself. I was in all my new clothes - the fancy inside out fleece, my purple cords and my new Nike Air Jordans. I was looking and feeling real good in myself. Also, walking around a crowded city with my music and noise cancelling over ear headphones was an absolute delight. It made it all so manageable. Even though the book shop was very busy, I calmly went to the stairs, looked at the floor plan plaque on the wall and located where the wellness and self-help books were. Top floor, up 2 flights of steps.

But yes, I had a lot of people checking me out today. A few looked worried, but most looked intrigued, and some were downright impressed, or looking a little flustered when they saw me. Not in a bad way though. It's nice to get a lot of looks, and it didn't feel too draining as the whole time I was in my groove with the music. Anyway, this transgender woman working in the book shop was kind of cute actually. She walked past again after I'd got the book and smiled again, without looking away straight after like last time. I headed back downstairs, queued up for a minute or 2, and then headed out.

Went back to the same park and staffed in the same spot. Foot traffic at this point (around 3pm) was really busy. I got hundreds of people watching me staff as they walked past. It got a little draining after 30 minutes or so. Then I headed back to the car.

Drove to McDonald's before going home. Normally eating there solo feels quite depressing, but to be honest I was hungry. I'd had a few bits and pieces to eat and drink throughout the day. But I fancied some hot food, instant food and something with mega calories to fill the void. It did the trick. Got home and realised I'd spent over 8 hours in Cambridge. Rang Meg twice. Once whilst walking to the park toilets in Cambridge, and again as I was driving home. She sounded absolutely exhausted and told me she'd sleep before doing the 2-2.5 hour drive to the work site in Oxford.

I'm glad I had a day out. Meg was right - taking time to do stuff for me, but that gets me out the house. Now, Cambridge isn't that far to cycle. About 90 mins one way, which isn't too uncomfortable. I think I'll do that in a day or 2. Also, my friend Lauren who adopted Kes (our cat), invited me to go on a dog walk with her on Thursday, and said I could also visit the house and Kes. It'll be the first time I've seen her since spring of 2021. Giving up our cat was the hardest part of the breakup for me and Kristy.

Spoke with Kristy yesterday, she's actually found another sugar daddy. This one is in America. She's back in UK now after breaking up with her Dutch boyfriend. Back living with her mum. Feels strange she said - oh yes, I retorted. Doesn't it just?

This new partner has never left US, and has a kid and a 150k a year salary. He's paying for a cruise. Kristy loves holidays, and so a free cruise sounds amazing for her. We were both against ever having kids. She said the child was the only "catch" to this new guy. But I said, and we agreed - that it's something worth trying. It shapes and develops people's character. So why not? It's new experiences. I was happy for her though. So long as she is happy.

Felt a few lingering bits of co-dependency, but nothing too overbearing. Waiting for Meg to let me know when she was ready on Fri and Sat evening is what triggered a little bit. Nothing major though. When I left on Sat evening I was nervous about how much I'd miss her, and if I'd feel lonely and struggle with the friends I have locally to keep me company etc. But today's excursion to Cambridge helped a lot.

I was glad me and Meg got to meet up twice this weekend though. I told her in the Thai cafe on Saturday night that I was happy she'd agreed to meet twice, because I knew that going forwards we may not see each other as regularly. I say "may" but I think it's pretty much a certainty. We're friends now, and we're adapting once again. We tried friends with benefits, we tried a relationship - and whilst it sucks that it didn't work out, we have a friendship which is a good benchmark for future friendships I forge with others. Meg is a wonderful soul - kind, helpful, inquisitive. There's a warmth and brightness to her. We didn't want to ruin our friendship, and we agreed whilst walking on Fri after the mushies, that we'd done the most mature and sensible thing. We high fived each other.

She said we'd meet again next weekend. Maybe draw and a film. Next week I'll focus on me. Do some nice things, explore some. But also listen to myself and pace myself. Don't need to fixate on "doing". Today was nice, but I listened to when things became too much, and then I changed it up. I'm really quite tired now.

Little nervous about Meg sounding and being so exhausted and her having to drive. It'll be ok though, and I guess it's not my place to worry anymore. Of course, I still will - but it's not as overbearing as when we were in a relationship. A weight of anxiety was lifted as soon as we agreed that our relationship was over. But it was good that we spoke openly and honestly, and we will continue to do so in the future. Support one another as each of us figures out our lives and challenges. I'll admit though, I'm a little jealous her ex Paul gets to spend Mon-Fri working week in her company. Obviously I'm sure it's a lot of hard work and not a great deal of time for chatting. But they're parking up on site for the week and the coming month or so of work. So I guess it's kind of hard not to envy that tbh. Catastrophic thinking a bit - you know, not that it's reality or would happen, but my brain went "what if they got back together". Illogical I think, but y'know - any worry is pretty much on the table when it comes to my brain.

I think it still just boils down to the inner critic. Worrying I'm not good enough. Well, had I not suffered with the mental health issues, I would be enough and I guess it wouldn't have ended. So it's quite easy to pin this on me. Even though I know Meg said she wasn't in the best headspace for a relationship either, and couldn't dedicate herself fully to the van work, her archaelogical work and me. What feels tricky is that not only do we get on with each other on a level I've never experienced before, but we connected sexually on another level too. So there's a feeling of loss now and then. Not that I deny friends isn't easier, and makes more sense.

Meg found a way to hide when she was last online on WhatsApp. One of my big triggers was seeing her repeatedly coming online and not replying to my messages. She told me she communicated more via messages with me than in previous relationships. Yet for me that was the least amount of contact I've had in a long distance relationship. Part of me wondered if that hiding last online status would've saved it. Yeah - I thought that basically. Fact is, it wouldn't have. Meg told me no amount of communication on her part would've been enough for me. Personally I don't believe that to be the case. But she said it wasn't possible to do more - and the amount there was would've been enough for a normal person I'm sure. Ach, I shouldn't keep throwing the blame at myself, but it's kind of justified.

One thing that I guess makes things a little easier is being single and knowing I have no intention of being with anyone. Unfortunately when Meg, Kristy and Steph started to like me - I was drawn to them like a moth to a flame. When you don't feel too good in yourself, other people taking a shine to you makes them highly and instantly appealing. Today I felt good in myself though. I know I dressed well, I got a lot of attention, I felt positive. My staffing was on point, and the headphones helped reduce overwhelm. But on the whole I still felt very lonely. Cambridge was busy - I saw hundreds of people in my time there. Whilst I visited Jared for a few hours, and chatted with Meg a bit on WhatsApp - the loneliness doesn't really go away. It was never much of an issue growing up. It wasn't until my teens where I started to feel more marginalised, and the feeling grew in my early 20's and beyond.

Little nervous about HR's reply to my email request yeserday. I did as Graham said, but I guess standing up for something is always going to make you feel nervous. Should probably focus on other things in the mean time. Tomorrow will be a rest day as my feet are sore from all the walking today. But maybe on Tuesday I will cycle into Cambridge early in the morning. I've had many vivid dreams and visualisations about doing this. Cycling in - doing my staffing and my art and then cycling back. Plus it saves money on fuel, and I'll need to be extra vigilant with money until I've found another job. Told the mechanic to hold fire on any more repairs. Still got an ABS fault to repair, along with sorting out the internal fan not working on the windscreen setting. In the mean time I asked if he could look to waterproof the box and repair the leaks next week. I don't want the box condition to get any worse. Once it's dry, I can rest easy knowing that once I've found a new job I will be able to get the mechanic to start on the chassic and bodywork rust, waxyol, respray and such. Then get the van to a commercial vehicle workshop to get the box fully repaired. Might need some new frame sections of metal and some ply/fibreglass replacements and repairs too, plus the floor needs replacing. Ahh - money, money, money.

Quite exhausted.

Right, time to fire up this game I reckon. The sound track is excellent. Ah that reminds me; that other S-X song. Check this out, again the lyrics at times are really on point.

Girl you know s*** ain't easy with me
But if you play with fire then you will get burned
And baby you should know how I deal with things like you
I don't understand me
So how could I understand you?




Finally - here's a clip of me playing the game Akane, and with my favourite song of the 10 in the playlist. It's a really grimey tune:


Ed

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Raggamuffin
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