Previously: Thunderous thoughts and lightning bolts have the same materials that rainbows do. What's in the blue arrow? I need to know, because not getting the job hits me where I hurt.
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If there's a way from the dark thoughts on the left side of the image to the light and color on the right, this is one of those times I need to look for it. So, taking another leaf from Spiller: think affirmations. Even if I don't believe them, even if I think I'm lying to myself. The affirmation that mattered wasn't about whether I was beautiful, but about whether I was useful.
I learned a lot of anxiety last year that really hammered on my fault lines. Now I need to learn hope, not just hope for hope. If that happens, I could stand to look at this:
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It feels like a very long way to go. The trip down the rope wasn't as long as the trip back up will be.
I wrote that the rainbow colors are staining my feet. I hope I can get them to tint my heart, too.
I feel sad. Is that appropriate or is that a function of dark cloudspin? Is that because I wanted this job to rescue me from both want and despair? Partially. But I am used to that. So how much sadness is appropriate? The truth is I clung to AC for over a week while waiting out this decision and the work I sent out, and I've got this disappointment and the work hasn't come back yet.
It's time to unglue myself from the keyboard, my lifeboat, the only place that feels like "home base," and I'm afraid to do it. Where will I go?
View attachment 15328
If there's a way from the dark thoughts on the left side of the image to the light and color on the right, this is one of those times I need to look for it. So, taking another leaf from Spiller: think affirmations. Even if I don't believe them, even if I think I'm lying to myself. The affirmation that mattered wasn't about whether I was beautiful, but about whether I was useful.
- I will find another opportunity.
- I am a useful person and a knowledgeable one.
- God does provide.
- This rejection doesn't mean I'm unworthy; I passed two phone screenings, two face-to-face interviews, and was a finalist. I am worthy. I just didn't fit what they decided they were looking for--and it was clear in all three face-to-face interviews that they didn't quite know what this position would be. My aspie friend also believed that when we discussed it.
- I am still working, even though I'm waiting and waiting for work to come in.
- I succeeded at adding knowledge of some basic forms of analysis that I didn't know in a way that lets me study them.
- I can add to my portfolio.
I learned a lot of anxiety last year that really hammered on my fault lines. Now I need to learn hope, not just hope for hope. If that happens, I could stand to look at this:
View attachment 15331
It feels like a very long way to go. The trip down the rope wasn't as long as the trip back up will be.
I wrote that the rainbow colors are staining my feet. I hope I can get them to tint my heart, too.
I feel sad. Is that appropriate or is that a function of dark cloudspin? Is that because I wanted this job to rescue me from both want and despair? Partially. But I am used to that. So how much sadness is appropriate? The truth is I clung to AC for over a week while waiting out this decision and the work I sent out, and I've got this disappointment and the work hasn't come back yet.
It's time to unglue myself from the keyboard, my lifeboat, the only place that feels like "home base," and I'm afraid to do it. Where will I go?
