Something that is commonly on my mind, thought i'd share and get some thoughts
Back when i was around 18 i got into a relationship with a girl online and originally told her i'd never be able to meet her due to my issues and explained things about me and my problems and she was okay with it, However over time i did manage to meet her and push past because it was a real relationship and i wanted it to be serious we dated for about 4 years mostly online with the occasional meetups, However on the meetups i really struggled, I loved seeing her and everything but my social phobia would ruin me and make me really depressed, Often i would have to cut the meet short and everything and i felt absolutely terrible each time because she was so happy to see me but then really upset when i said i couldn't stay for the whole time, Obviously this tore me up every day from then on, I would constantly be thinking about if i'm the right person for her because she was rather outgoing and everything and i was a complete opposite, So over time i started to get doubts that we would ever work because of my conditions in life, Mine aren't something that can be 'helped with time' either, The meeting was about the best i could do but being around someone for long periods is always always a hard thing, even with family members i've known my entire life.
I wanted the best for her so i started to let her go and tell her i wasn't sure if we could stay together and such but i never really explained why i kept breaking it off properly and i think that's where i went wrong, At the time with all my anxiety i struggled to figure out WHY i couldn't stay with her for long periods, It was such a confusing experience because i would be so so excited to see her but when we met and i was either outside or just being with another person for too long i just.. changed and really struggled. I broke it off about 5 times in total and got back together each time because i really did love her at the time and wanted it to work but my anxiety was constantly fighting me telling me to stay away because it's 'easier' for me, Having struggled between who i am and my love for her sent me into a deep depression because i can't magically change but knew that we wouldn't work, I did at one point explain everything to her to the best i could but she really wanted things like marriage and i was just.. a mess at this point, A family member also passed away and that's sort of when my main 'big trigger' happened, There was tons of family drama happening and at the same time i was trying to fix things out with her.
Eventually she started mentioning about meeting other people from the net, and one being another guy she was friends with and i honestly got a bit funny about it, I understand having friends and everything but she was going to meet this guy she'd known for about a month and go camping with him and his friends straight away so i was obviously terrified and shared my fears, She got defensive about it because it was just a friend etc etc, I have been heavily cheated on and abused in the past so i naturally have a fear of cheating and such already but it was too much, In the end she broke it off with me and that was that, Until a few weeks later my mum who had been.. checking up on her facebook and stuff told me she was in a relationship with the guy she was going to meet and that she had done so before we broke up, Naturally i was extremely upset about it and wrote a blog on a private blog and wrote a facebook post thinking i got cheated on again, She saw all this and started messaging me very angry messages and her friend sent me some angry texts too, I did actually apologise after speaking to her because she did claim she only got with him after and i apologised to the best i could. But she still to this day hates my guts over it and does tweets every so often with the whole 'I'm so happy i left a toxic relationship' stuff when i'm not sure if any of it was my fault, I got told she cheated on me by a family member and i still really loved her at the time so naturally you'd have an angry response? I deleted the stuff and apologised and explained i was told it etc but according to her because i didn't bring it up with her first i was wrong, But i couldn't really speak to her because i was still in pain and stuff and needed space and didn't want to see her move on if she was.
Was i in the wrong for all this? I think about it so often that i'm literally unable to date but i HATE hurting people and am way too scared to commit to anything in case anything like this happens again, I'm literally so caring that it still bothers me 6+ years after it's happened. I haven't dated at all because i'm too afraid, I obviously know how i work now so the next relationship should be generally better if i can explain everything and such but i'm just.. too afraid to try anything because i feel like a horrible person
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