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Walking on eggshells around neurotypicals

There are a million things I could write about, but I know from experience it’s the best to limit each post to one topic, even if this feels restrictive or artificial.
In the long run, if you keep blogging, eventually all the thoughts will be let out, and by making this limitation, now you have an orderly pile of thoughts to look back on and examine. I reserve chaos for my personal journal, which I myself almost never reread because of its disorganized nature — rambly and chaotic.
Chaos causes boredom imho (mix all the pretty colors together and everything turns into brown), but this is for another post I think.

Anyways today the thought is about the feeling I get interacting with neurotypicals.
I feel like a nursery school teacher being extra nice to the children and dumbing things down to make them palatable.
I feel bad for feeling this way, since it implies that I think they are fragile/emotionally weak, and that I think of myself as superior to them.

But I think it’s natural I feel this way.
When I say what I really think, people will think I am joking, or get upset, or look at me like a crazy person.
So I learned early on to adjust what I say in order to be accepted.
I was raised in an East Asian country — where agreeableness and obedience ranks supreme among all human traits.
I used to think I was the crazy one for having unconventional thoughts … but it turns out, I am not crazy at all. I was merely being an individual in a hyper collectivist society punishes people for being themselves. My situation has improved greatly by choosing to work for a western employer.

So there was the layer of East Asian culture being suffocating and punishing, and now I am coming to see the extra layer I need to deal with of being neurodivergent.

I deal with this to some degree by choosing very specific communities to hang out in. In particular, I hang out with people in STEM, and mostly with other mildly neurodivergent people.
But this isn’t really a fundamental solution since 95% of society isn’t like this.
The rest of the time, I cope using pattern recognition and intellligence.

I see communicating with neurotypical as a performance of (1) avoiding their triggers (through knowledge of psychology), (2) making them emotionally uplifted, and (3) making concepts simple and easy to understand.
It’s pretty hard. I don’t think it’s possible unless this is your special interest, or you just happen to be good at this kind of thing.
I only really learned to do this as an adult, as a necessary tool to survive and hold down employment.


I acknowledge that this could be a symptom of fawning. It could be a symptom of CPTSD from being raised in East Asian culture as a woman — the constant pretending to be feminine and cute and dumb in order to avoid being bullied.

I can’t really say for sure why I do the things I do, but the best I can do now is to observe what is happening, perhaps journal, and try not to analyze too hard.
Reserve the analyzing for things that profit from it — science and technology. Analyzing people can only go so far and beyond a certain point, you will enter the realm of delusions and negative assumptions.

Anyhow this is my post for the day.

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Ms Muffinz
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