I wonder if the break in my routine of going to work has caused me to stop keeping regular blog entries. The guilt of taking time off has subsided for the most part. I received a text from my manager today asking if I was ok and hoping to catch up with me towards the end of the week.
Time has gone by quickly. Looking back, most of last week was spent getting the house and garden ready for the estate agent’s visit and valuation on Tuesday. This week it’s been easy to keep on top of cleaning for the house viewings.
We had one visit on Monday which occurred before the house was put online. Yesterday there were 4 visits. Today we were supposed to have two, but they both ended up cancelling – one due to car trouble, the other because they were unexpectedly required to go into work. Here’s hoping they re-arrange. We have one viewing on Friday, 3 on Saturday and another on Thursday 26th. No offers yet, but it’s early days.
The diet and coffee drinking reverted back to how it used to be. I could claim it was due to stress, in reality I just relapsed. If anything, I'm somewhat content it was just coffee and sweets - and not alcohol or weed. But it does show how my mindset remains – all or nothing.
Getting the house ready had it’s stressful moments. Since then, I’ve felt more relaxed. But I know that work looms on the horizon, and next Monday I’ll be back. Probably feeling more uncomfortable than normal – because I know how quickly gossip spreads in that place. The last person who took 2 weeks off due to stress quickly became the hot topic of the office - and then they sacked her. She was another overworked person who ended up doing 2 people's jobs, just like me. I don’t really know much about anyone in that office except for my manager and my colleague. But now, everyone will know my business and that I was signed off for 2 weeks due to stress.
I know that keeping to myself and not talking much probably made me stand out – and yet, it was my way of blending in. When I’ve been open to management in previous jobs about issues with stress, anxiety and depression – they ended up treating me different and it made me feel uncomfortable in the process.
Sometimes people come across as patronising when they know you have mental health issues. Constantly being asked if “I’m ok” quickly turns into a tedious enquiry from people who have nothing worthwhile to say to me, and now they act as if they’re ‘doing their part’ by incessantly checking in on me.
I asked a fellow UK resident on here how they got a diagnosis so cheap and got in contact with the person they used. It seems that the initial “Gateway assessment” is £345 but for a clinical diagnosis it’s a further £600 on top of the initial assessment. Add to that, the fact that she doesn’t offer an ADHD assessment – if I were to go private it’d cost me just shy of £2400 to get an official diagnoses for both conditions.
Still, I’m on the NHS waiting list – but that is anyone’s guess how long it could take. The fact my brother has been waiting years, and now COVID has put huge strain on mental health professionals – I could be waiting a very long time if I want these diagnoses for free.
I was (too) honest in my email to my manager. His threat regarding my constant mistakes made me panic, and so I explained that it's just how my mind works. Now I’m asking myself once more, what would I glean from an official diagnosis that I haven’t already read, learnt and related to from books, forums and online articles?
At the end of the day I spend a lot of time thinking, pondering and lost in thought. When I've shared insights and beliefs with people in the past, I've been told numerous times I have wisdom and intelligence. Whilst it's flattering to hear, I also strongly believe that autistic and ADHD traits have been intertwined with my life, thoughts and emotions. Reading about these conditions was a revelation, and I suppose I doubt that I'd encounter further epiphanies via a clinical diagnosis. It might feel like it bolstered my position in a workplace, but to what end? To be treated differently? To potentially become stigmatised or patronised? At the end of the day, I feel every job I've worked is beneath me. Each person who trained me was shocked how quickly I learn and take on new information, but once they run out of things to teach and the tedium begins - I lose interest and soon I begin making frequent mistakes that make me look incompetent.
I’m approaching the point in my current job where my thought process and way of working is going putting my job at risk. I’m not sure how many written/verbal warnings they’ll give me before they sack me, but my manager informed me that my first official warning is on the horizon if I don't change. In truth, I know my job is most likely safe until after the house is sold and I’m back living with my parents.
Mistakes – even when focusing on something that makes me happy, and is important – I rush and make constant errors. For instance, each time this week when we got a call from the estate agent regarding new bookings I was excited and looking forward to them, and yet – I made multiple errors with booking times and dates which Kristy had to point out and correct me on. Even when I'm hyperfocusing on my artwork (something I adore) I constantly make mistakes and work irrationally.
"Check and double check" is a mantra that every manager in all my workplaces have tried to get me to live by. Doesn’t work though – especially when the work is tedious. Sometimes when I double or triple check I miss glaring errors. What am I to do? Become medicated by Doctors to "fix" my way of thinking and behaving? Hope for an official diagnosis so that a workplace can treat me differently? Dumb down their expectations? Treat me like I’m mentally impaired?
Would I leave an assessment with a feeling or relief? Or would it be another example of how I feel when I’m told something I already knew – impatient and wanting to move on.
I haven’t staffed in over a fortnight. My knuckle has been feeling better since Sunday. Before then, all the heavy lifting and gardening was causing me pain. Also, my thigh and calf muscles were in absolute agony from Sunday – Monday. The muscles and my knuckle discomfort have started noticebly improving now. Last week's house prep and especially the labour intensive work was biased - I ended up doing the lion's share. I did all but 1 of the 7+ trips to the storage container. I also did every single trip down to the recycling centre (over 20). I was getting quite stressed how one sided things were becoming. Kristy didn't even want to be here during house viewings.
At least the house prep is done. Now we’re just playing the waiting game to receive our first offer on the house. 3 of the people who visited yesterday seemed keen and I got a good feeling from 2 of them. I found I was talking more than the estate agent. Not sure how she felt about that. I picked up an atmosphere, but I felt more charismatic than her. I spectated her first viewing and took over most of the rest. I noticed she started using terms and descriptions I used in her own walk arounds. Viewings aside, I had a good chat with the estate agent inbetween two visits. I suppose this is why I'm so resentful at work - the die is cast, and I'm at a point where I struggle to open up to anyone there.
It might be wishful thinking, but I’d love nothing more than to end this week with an offer on the house – it'd mean one less thing to fixate upon next week when I’m back in the office.
Uploaded numerous Witch House genre songs to Youtube a few days back. One song I’ve had on repeat for days on end, it’s a remix of a Weeknd song. I love creepy, distorted vocals:
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