Lately things have been super rough for me, My mental health really dropped and i slipped back into some.. self harming habits, I'm usually the kind of guy who is always trying to think as positive as i can but it can only work for so long before i snap, And just the general view of my life lately is crushing me, I feel like a bit of a waste as a person, For the first time lately i've started to view my version of Aspergers as a curse, I've always sort of liked the fact that i'm unique but over time, Being ignored, Never being able to make friends, Being looked down on for having aspergers just .. has made me embarrassed to admit i have it and now and ashamed. Obviously everyones version of aspergers is different and brances out but mine came with this social phobia thing and the two together are an absolutely horrible combination, My aspie side is the eye contact struggle and communication and then with that i have a severe social phobia which makes me black out fairly easy if my anxiety gets too high around people, So the two together are making my life incredibly hard to live. I would love love love to make new friends but i am just so incredibly shy that i can't initiate a conversation like at all, I have to wait until a person talks to me first or messages me first if it's online, For so many years i always thought i could live without other people or much interaction but i do really want to meet new people, I have space issues and everything but i do generally like talking and everything when i can, I really miss human interaction and it's becoming a need, If you've ever played the sims i'm basically a sim with zero social bar lately or that's how i feel. I'm really not sure how to go about making friends or anything, Everywhere i turn it seems kinda hard, I mostly play games all day and everyone already seems very busy and walking up to a random person in an mmo and talking doesn't really work so i'm trying to think of other ways to meet people and make friends online who are also into gaming and such, Having common interests really helps me with my anxiety so having someone who is into the same sorta stuff as me makes me open up a lot more generally, as with if someone just talks to me about work i'll struggle to find a response, But if you talk to me about gaming i can go on forever.
Anyway i do hope i can make it past all these negative thoughts and improve my life somehow, I would love to feel normal again
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