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Trying to fight the bad thoughts

By Aru · May 10, 2019 · ·
  1. Lately things have been super rough for me, My mental health really dropped and i slipped back into some.. self harming habits, I'm usually the kind of guy who is always trying to think as positive as i can but it can only work for so long before i snap, And just the general view of my life lately is crushing me, I feel like a bit of a waste as a person, For the first time lately i've started to view my version of Aspergers as a curse, I've always sort of liked the fact that i'm unique but over time, Being ignored, Never being able to make friends, Being looked down on for having aspergers just .. has made me embarrassed to admit i have it and now and ashamed. Obviously everyones version of aspergers is different and brances out but mine came with this social phobia thing and the two together are an absolutely horrible combination, My aspie side is the eye contact struggle and communication and then with that i have a severe social phobia which makes me black out fairly easy if my anxiety gets too high around people, So the two together are making my life incredibly hard to live. I would love love love to make new friends but i am just so incredibly shy that i can't initiate a conversation like at all, I have to wait until a person talks to me first or messages me first if it's online, For so many years i always thought i could live without other people or much interaction but i do really want to meet new people, I have space issues and everything but i do generally like talking and everything when i can, I really miss human interaction and it's becoming a need, If you've ever played the sims i'm basically a sim with zero social bar lately or that's how i feel. I'm really not sure how to go about making friends or anything, Everywhere i turn it seems kinda hard, I mostly play games all day and everyone already seems very busy and walking up to a random person in an mmo and talking doesn't really work so i'm trying to think of other ways to meet people and make friends online who are also into gaming and such, Having common interests really helps me with my anxiety so having someone who is into the same sorta stuff as me makes me open up a lot more generally, as with if someone just talks to me about work i'll struggle to find a response, But if you talk to me about gaming i can go on forever.

    Anyway i do hope i can make it past all these negative thoughts and improve my life somehow, I would love to feel normal again

Comments

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  1. Michelle Espinosa
    I understand very well the isolation and especially the periods when I'm incapacitated by ASD or SPD and I feel I shouldn't even be in this world. I so get it. All I can say is that your instincts are good in that you are reaching out. Also, I think it's normal for us to struggle with those feelings in our lives. It's par for the course of navigating the NT world. So, a lot of the frustration is because of we aren't yet in a neurodiverse society that is truly inclusive so you are made to feel there's something wrong with you but if your environments were designed to suit you could very well be thriving.
      luna88 likes this.
  2. Creep
    What she said + don’t “fight” the thoughts. I’ve found mindfulness meditation & self-hypnosis to be helpful tools in thought processing. Keep writing.
      Aru likes this.
  3. luna88
    Hey Aru,
    i'm glad you reached out and shared this. i totally feel what you are saying, you are not alone. i've been feeling the same exact way lately and it's rough, so i really can relate to everything you said. i struggle with eye contact and severe social anxiety at times and am incredibly shy as well. i was so optimistic for so long and loved that i was different, and was totally fine doing life on my own and but i've crashed hard lately due to some stressful life events, and i often feel like i have no one that truly cares, understands or is there for me. when i'm burnt out, fatigued or shut down from stress ect... i lose some capacity for this process of social connection. it's like part of my brain has gone offline. social communication is already so exhausting and confusing as it with so many rules and things to remember anyways that i end up avoiding it altogether when i feel like this which makes me feel more shut down, misunderstood and i become more isolated. it's a dreadful cycle.

    anyways, just take it one day at a time and be extra gentle with yourself. do things that feel good for you, for me it's self care things like getting a massage, yoga, going to the sauna or swimming that can really shift the negative mental state. getting out of my head and into my body really shifts things. when i feel disconnected from humans i still feel a strong connection to nature or animals and that helps me. today i stopped by the animal shelter just to pet the cats and a i climbed a tree :) i believe keeping the mind and body moving helps move the negative energy through, and like the weather, this too shall pass. in yoga we believe we are not our thoughts, and in meditation we just notice them without judgment or attaching to them. hope that helps!

    Don't hesitate to reach out!
      Creep and Aru like this.