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True to ourselves

Woke up with a sense of despair. Needless to say it was bloody horrible, and I couldn't pin it to a thought - it just was. Thankfully it dissipated within a minute or 2. I pondered the dream I had prior to waking up, but it didn't feel like a trigger in terms of narrative or how it made me feel.

I didn't lie around for too long to be honest. Hand shandy, because that'll get the endorphins going and add a sense of calm. Was interesting that I spoke candidly with Meg about porn. Something I've used and relied on less as I got older. Much like weed - you realise too much of a good thing ends up taking rather than benefitting oneself. Some conversations and opening up does feel awkward, but once the words are flowing - it's very liberating.

Re-read yesterday's blog and noticed something interesting, I referred to Meg's friend Cosmo as a colleague and felt it right to rephrase and add friend to my blog. Truth be told, my inner critic does make me feel uncomfortable around extrovert types. Comparing their notable characteristic and features to my own. Yet it's a biased comparisson - where I was using it to nitpick at who I am as a person. I can see it for what it is though - insecurity, and I don't wish to disregard or claim it's insignificent or trifling. But noticing what I'm doing sort of helps return some sense of balance.

We all have doubts and worries, but it's not reality. Me and Meg had a similar discussion regarding the previous sentence. I can see in her eyes when she's (over)thinking. Here eyes dart about. I can feel myself slipping into overthinking and wear an expression which people pick up on too. I guess that disconnect and overwhelm of thoughts is visible on a lot of people. Reading faces - you don't have to be psychic, but you can usually pick up a positive or negative vibe off people.

I delved a little deeper in thought about referring to Cosmo as a colleague and I wonder if it was a Freudian slip harking back to my first job. One day someone asking how to you spell colleague and someone loudly spellt out the "c" word. It had the whole team in hysterics. When I remembered this upon re-reading my blog, I smirked. Not because I think he is a "c" - it's just that, as a term or insult it's a little spicy, and spicy things can be amusing. Truthfully, whilst I don't know him well - I think he's ok.

Cosmo jokes a lot, which I understand - as sometimes I end up playing the joker card. Joking can ease tension, or create it. I noticed a fair amount of his jokes were at other people's expense. Before we met him, Meg had said she wondered which Cosmo we'd see today, and also that he has some unadressed mental health stuff going on. Joking and substance use are coping mechanisms and help us feel good. I get both of them, because I've relied on them a lot too.

I think he's a nice enough guy, I just found some jokes a little caustic and embittered, which comes across a little "c"y. And most anxiety is generalised around people - I worry that I'm not good enough, or they're better. I find it hard to pick the right moments to speak. Missing my imagined cues to talk about a subject, and by the time I'm ready the conversation has evloved. In fact, this conversational overthinking is something Meg and I can relate to.

Seeing Meg laughing so much was nice to see, but it also made my inner critic somewhat apprehensive - and not feeling like I was good enough. Truth be told, it didn't put a damper on the day. Whilst I clammed up initially, I was able to feel integrated and not the odd one out. Whilst pubs and extroverts aren't exactly my forte, we had a nice and memorable day out, and a lovely night camped out by the river infront of a warm fire and a sky full of clouds.

Catastrophic thinking sometimes feels like autism 101. Plus it has an overlap into ADHD, anxiety and depression. Whilst I'm disproving worries time and again, it doesn't really lessen how unsettling they can initially feel. Before I can review, reasses and de-escalate. Still feels like I'm a sea wall at times, and I'm just getting battered by an emotional wave.

We spoke yesterday about sexual exploration. Not sure why I didn't voice it at the time, but she said she saw the appeal to poly relationships - but not the emotional side. I too feel the same way, in an ideal world the idea of forming a closer bond with several people sounds idealistic and dreamy. But thoroughly emotionally impractical as well.

Another similarity me and Meg have I think is with emotional intensity. It's led to overwhelm, and burn outs and shut ins throughout our lives. This need for calm and me time. When emotions are involved - deep rooted ones, paired with a carnal side too? One person is more than enough additional emotions. So, whilst I'm sure many practice and thrive in poly relationships - I truly believe it wouldn't work for me, and I wouldn't be willing to try.

An offshoot of this feels like it harks back to being cheated on. Twice by my first girlfriend, twice by my third and once by my fourth. The oddity with this is that my unbridled and catastrophic worrying at the time made the actual moments somewhat anti-climactic. Not to attempt to nullify the significance, because it did cut deep, and the brain is a canvas of our life experiences. It harks back to similar, known pathways in the brain - and so, I live with this now. You adapt and you overcome, but sometimes the brain tries to place the past in the present, and the inner critic and basic need for survival, self-preservation can make you fearful as all hell.

Poison really. To yourself and a relationship. This is why I'm glad me and Meg have this openness in our discussion. Sure, getting the words out can feel like a hurdle - but the relief is felt when you can vocalise your thoughts. There is a genuine release. Bottling up or holding onto things really doesn't help. This is why the blog is so helpful to me, and it's a true representation of my inner thoughts.

You have to be true to yourself. We might convince ourselves otherwise throughout our lives. Why? We're enough. We always have been, otherwise we wouldn't be here right now. We've got this. Why do we convince ourselves we need more? Why do we fear we'll end up with less?

Take a step back when you're going down the rabbit hole, and look out for one another. As I said earlier - you can usually see a positive or negative vibe or expression to people. We need to be there for each other. Might sound idyllic, and I know from personal experience that helping others is easier than helping yourself. And being overly helpful can be draining and ends up taking from you. Much like masking - well, being the "nice guy" is just another form of masking. It greases the wheels in conversation and fitting in socially.

Thing is - it's good to be nice. I think fundamentally we're all good people deep down. Even those who've committed horrible deeds are still human. Whilst we can try and criticise, or dehumanise people when they break the rules in a drastic fashion - we should never write people off entirely. We just have to be good with boundaries - so we can be true to ourselves, whilst not allowing others to needlessly drain or upset us. This is something I need to put into practice more.

Was good to write this, as it's felt like a positive release and a constructive thinking process.


Ed

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