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Not to be dramatic or anything but tomorrow is Christmas Eve (at least for the majority of people in the country I live in and traditionally my family). Christmas used to be a huge thing for me. Granted, I'm in my twenties so my childhood is not as far away as it is for other people. And for most kids whose families celebrate Christmas, it's a huge thing. I believed in the mythical being that brings the presents in our culture for a long time.

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Source: tenor.com

Growing up I had always been fond of the enchanted side of life.

I saw ghosts and fairies everywhere. In school, I would telepathically warn the beings of nature a few minutes before the school bell opened the break that the students would soon come rushing to the schoolyard; the purpose of that was to give the beings the chance to hide and get their belongings to safety. For me, disenchantment took its time and only hit me when I was around 18 years old. As part of my last Christmas mass in school, in between songs and prayers, a few of our class were asked to read out their thoughts on Christmas. The freshly disenchanted me told the jam-packed school chapel about how I remember the feeling of seeing the lights on the Christmas tree shimmer brilliantly through the milky glass door to our living room minutes before by the hand of an unseen force the bell rang that meant I could now enter and dig through a pile of presents. And about how I missed that feeling. And about a cold, dark hunch that now lied in my chest where the warm, bright feeling used to be. A cold, dark hunch that the old feeling would never come back to me.

Needless to say, the whole school which had gathered in the chapel had gone silent listening to what I had to say, that one hopeless statement, maybe even a cry for help not having told anyone at the time that my grandmother was seriously ill in a hospital that Christmas. They looked at me. I saw understanding. I believe a lot of them knew exactly what I was talking about. Felt the same thing. Maybe some of my classmates were thinking the same thing and would have said it out loud, had it not been in front of the entire school and a serious mood killer. I didn't care, being the disillusioned teenager that I was I valued honesty over tact.

Family is not what it used to be.

Having lost the view of things through the eyes of a child, the concept of family was disenchanted as well. I do not believe things got substantially worse over time—objectively some elements have—but rather that there have always been problems, fights, and lies that I just didn't recognize, that were kept away from me, as is good. While sadly the climate in the family had worsened over the years and cohesion has weakened, some developments weren't bad but natural (therefore good). For example, nobody rings the bell for me anymore (which, as turns out, wasn't a mythical figure but my mom who snuck into the living room; I was convinced everyone was around me because having other family members there was too much for me to keep an eye on everyone). I don't believe in fairies anymore—one fact that I sometimes consider regrettable.

It's not just the people around me that changed and made Christmas a less exciting event, it's also me. I've simply grown up and its effects are just as disappointing. No more magic, no more excitement when stuff sparkles and presents lost most of their appeal. The Christmas songs just don't slap like they used to, emotionally. When I sing "it's the most wonderful time of the year" it's mostly to annoy someone or keep up the appearance.

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Source: tenor.com

Change? Not a fan.

But there are some things that cannot not be changed. I matured and that is a good thing. I function in society, I manage to do most things a person in their mid-twenties should manage to do. But I sure sacrificed Christmas for that. Win some, lose some. Change is hard, but it is sometimes necessary. The world won't stop turning just because I would like to be 5 years old forever. And while it sometimes saddens me, for the most part, I'm glad things change. A lot of things have changed for the better after all.

While there's a lot more I could ramble on about, I think it's better to bring this semi-depressing post to an abrupt end before it stretches on for too long and get you guys involved again. What do you think about the holidays? What do you like about them, what elements cause you to struggle? How about coping strategies? If you don't celebrate anything around this time of year, please feel free to share your thoughts on any other holiday or festival!

Thank you very much for reading. For the past five weeks since I opened this blog, I have posted once every week. Due to my busy schedule in January and February, I will continue to post every second week in the near future. I'm not out of ideas at all, just a little short on time. So until I post again, I wish you guys a happy new year! See y'all soon.

Comments

I loved Christmas as well. But, same as you, I lost that good feeling for Christmas. I really dislike holidays because people want to get together. I hate getting together and socializing.
 

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simetra
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