Yeah i titled this after a song, haha. It fits, so i made it the title. I just wanted to write a post here after the horrible mental breakdown that was last night. Apparently a good seven to nine hours of sleep does wonders for me cause i woke up in an amazing mood today. I woke up with a horrible sinus/tension headache too, but that’s fine i can deal with that. Its actually a good thing cause it gives me the irrevocable chance to get **** done instead of going straight to my laptop and homework. I always clean and **** while i’m waiting for medicine to take affect.
ANYways, i’ve thrown out my blade and I’ve decided something. I’ve decided that **** THEM my life is mine, and i’ll be damned if i let them push me to taking my own life cause they make me so unhappy. I’m gonna show them and myself that i can succeed, i can be the person i thought i lost years ago when all this **** became so much of a problem. I’m gonna beat it and i’m gonna beat it on my own without them or anyone else because i know i can. I’ve always known myself very well, even mom acknowledges that. I know what works and what doesn’t, i just rarely have the determination and dedication to keep up with it. But i’ve realized that not only is it them thats making this so hard, its my *letting* them make it so hard.
So i’m gonna say **** them, i’m gonna work towards a 3.0 GPA (aka B in all my classes) and stabilizing my life (diet, mental health, physical health), and then once i’m stable and have a 3.0 GPA i can start addressing my next biggest hurdle: my ability to drive. This i something i need to be 100% before addressing and have confidence in myself before confronting again, because that was a huge issue. Last time i tried, my confidence was there but it was fragile as ****. At that point i’ll consider myself ready to start addressing it. Whether that means talking with mom and helping them understand my difficulties, or whether it means getting a special driving instructor for autism, idk we’ll see when we get there. I don’t want to just count them out, i want to at least give them a chance again. I want to explain everything to them that’s difficult for me about it and suggest ways they can help me learn it. Because as much as i can just move to a big city and take public transport, i dont want to just give in like that and to me that’s what that is. This has always been not only a big limit, restraint, on me but a huge confidence and self esteem breaker. Plus, on the realistic side of things, how else would i be able to get to work? I want to work at a college, and although busses are an option at most colleges i’d at least want to be able to pick. And how would i be abel to get groceries? I am to be completing my masters while i’m working so having to go to the grocery store by bus every evening would be too much. It would have to be that way, too, because i have very little in the way of upper body strength i always have. I couldn’t manage a week’s worth of groceries in one bus ride without wearing myself out. Ideally i would like a place that at least has public transport, because i know myself and if i’m, for example, not feeling well i wouldn’t trust my ability to drive so i’d at least like the option. I wouldn’t want it to be my only option, though.
But yeah, I just want to say **** them, they’re not the primary source of my life anymore, I am. Of course i’ll celebrate their birthdays and mother’s day and all that just as happily as before, i don’t want to hate them. They're not all bad, they're really good parents for the most part and i know it doesn't always end up that way but they only want what's best for me. They come from a different time with different childhoods and different life experiences, so their perspective is gonna be drastically different than mine. But they mean well. And holding onto all that hurt and hate is just too burdensome, it holds me back. I need to put it all behind me and let go of it. I just want to…cut my ties with everything they’ve done and are likely to always do to some extent, i guess is what i’m trying to say. They’re good parents at heart and i love them, i dont want to blacklist them they don’t deserve that. I just want to move on from all of this and my throwing away my blade and cutting my ties with all of it and putting it in the past, i think i can do that. I want to think forwards, towards the life i want to have. I want to save as much as possible so i can get a car and, in about three years, move out on my own and fund my own masters degree whenever i’m ready for it. I dont want to jump straight from the bachelors to the masters. I know between being newly independent and having a new job to adjust to, a new life basically, adding a masters degree to that would be too much. I’ll probably put it off at least a year so i can have a stable home and job before i jump into it, and a better idea of how much i can afford to pay towards it on my own. As much as several people keep telling me i need to move out, for me that would be akin to running away from it all and i can't do that. That's all i've ever done and i've got all the self inflicted scars to prove it. I need to face this, make peace with it, and move on from it or else its always going to hold me back from being the person i want to be and know that i can be.
Its not too late to be the you that you always wanted to be. I read something akin to that on tumblr and i loved it, because its true. I’ve also read a lot everywhere about keeping only positive people and influences in your life, and i aim to do that. I want to do what make me happy, and for now that’s pursuing the life i want for myself and doing things that make me happy when i have free time like watch slice of life anime, read books, and reblog photography on tumblr.
ANYways, i’ve thrown out my blade and I’ve decided something. I’ve decided that **** THEM my life is mine, and i’ll be damned if i let them push me to taking my own life cause they make me so unhappy. I’m gonna show them and myself that i can succeed, i can be the person i thought i lost years ago when all this **** became so much of a problem. I’m gonna beat it and i’m gonna beat it on my own without them or anyone else because i know i can. I’ve always known myself very well, even mom acknowledges that. I know what works and what doesn’t, i just rarely have the determination and dedication to keep up with it. But i’ve realized that not only is it them thats making this so hard, its my *letting* them make it so hard.
So i’m gonna say **** them, i’m gonna work towards a 3.0 GPA (aka B in all my classes) and stabilizing my life (diet, mental health, physical health), and then once i’m stable and have a 3.0 GPA i can start addressing my next biggest hurdle: my ability to drive. This i something i need to be 100% before addressing and have confidence in myself before confronting again, because that was a huge issue. Last time i tried, my confidence was there but it was fragile as ****. At that point i’ll consider myself ready to start addressing it. Whether that means talking with mom and helping them understand my difficulties, or whether it means getting a special driving instructor for autism, idk we’ll see when we get there. I don’t want to just count them out, i want to at least give them a chance again. I want to explain everything to them that’s difficult for me about it and suggest ways they can help me learn it. Because as much as i can just move to a big city and take public transport, i dont want to just give in like that and to me that’s what that is. This has always been not only a big limit, restraint, on me but a huge confidence and self esteem breaker. Plus, on the realistic side of things, how else would i be able to get to work? I want to work at a college, and although busses are an option at most colleges i’d at least want to be able to pick. And how would i be abel to get groceries? I am to be completing my masters while i’m working so having to go to the grocery store by bus every evening would be too much. It would have to be that way, too, because i have very little in the way of upper body strength i always have. I couldn’t manage a week’s worth of groceries in one bus ride without wearing myself out. Ideally i would like a place that at least has public transport, because i know myself and if i’m, for example, not feeling well i wouldn’t trust my ability to drive so i’d at least like the option. I wouldn’t want it to be my only option, though.
But yeah, I just want to say **** them, they’re not the primary source of my life anymore, I am. Of course i’ll celebrate their birthdays and mother’s day and all that just as happily as before, i don’t want to hate them. They're not all bad, they're really good parents for the most part and i know it doesn't always end up that way but they only want what's best for me. They come from a different time with different childhoods and different life experiences, so their perspective is gonna be drastically different than mine. But they mean well. And holding onto all that hurt and hate is just too burdensome, it holds me back. I need to put it all behind me and let go of it. I just want to…cut my ties with everything they’ve done and are likely to always do to some extent, i guess is what i’m trying to say. They’re good parents at heart and i love them, i dont want to blacklist them they don’t deserve that. I just want to move on from all of this and my throwing away my blade and cutting my ties with all of it and putting it in the past, i think i can do that. I want to think forwards, towards the life i want to have. I want to save as much as possible so i can get a car and, in about three years, move out on my own and fund my own masters degree whenever i’m ready for it. I dont want to jump straight from the bachelors to the masters. I know between being newly independent and having a new job to adjust to, a new life basically, adding a masters degree to that would be too much. I’ll probably put it off at least a year so i can have a stable home and job before i jump into it, and a better idea of how much i can afford to pay towards it on my own. As much as several people keep telling me i need to move out, for me that would be akin to running away from it all and i can't do that. That's all i've ever done and i've got all the self inflicted scars to prove it. I need to face this, make peace with it, and move on from it or else its always going to hold me back from being the person i want to be and know that i can be.
Its not too late to be the you that you always wanted to be. I read something akin to that on tumblr and i loved it, because its true. I’ve also read a lot everywhere about keeping only positive people and influences in your life, and i aim to do that. I want to do what make me happy, and for now that’s pursuing the life i want for myself and doing things that make me happy when i have free time like watch slice of life anime, read books, and reblog photography on tumblr.
