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This is quite intense

24 hours since my last smoke.

Went to Guy's this morning, dropped off my weed and hash. He can have it. Will need the money anyway. He's paying me in 2 installments over the next 2 months.

Sat outside under the shade and did some colouring of my new drawing. During this, Guy was talking to me, and I can just about handel this. Normally I fade in and out of paying attention - as I'm drawing. So it becomes almost background noise.

Had a WhatsApp conversation with Meg. She got back from the festival with her friend Laura at gone midnight. It was a pretty long drive, and I tried my hardest to stay up, but I was battling fatigue from around 8 when the Concerta medication had worn off, and I was just slapped in the face with extreme tiredness.

I made it to about 23:15 ish before I had to message Meg and apologised. No apology required, but that's just what I do. I fell asleep and woke up a few times but nothing major. Meg told me she hadn't expected me to stay up and that we'd talk in the morning.

Whilst colouring in, I was messaging Meg. From what she was telling me, it sounded quite emotional at Laura's. She told me about work that's lined up over the coming months. My heart sank, as I realised things were going to become long distance very quickly. I couldn't really process it. I was starting to sink, and yet trying to remain present to draw and to chat with Guy. I say chat, he tends to often talk at me. I was trying to fathom how I'd be going back to week after week stuck in Haddenham, with the tiny circle of friends I have - all of whom drain me to be around. The failing art business that doesn't seem to build any momentum, the money worries, the new worry about the van etc. Add to that, only seeing Meg every couple of weeks, plus the travel times and costs. F'ing hell... I couldn't process this at all.

Then Meg was telling me about Laura and Alex's wedding, which is the end of the week. I'm not invited to the wedding or the dinner etc. after. But I'm going to the party on Saturday. Of course it's not my cup of tea - a loud, crowded room full of people I don't know getting drunk? Sitting there for hour after hour. Or attempting to feel comfortable and confident enough to dance. Or not being able to do it, and instead seeing Meg dancing, enjoying herself and feeling my usual isolated self. At least Meg said Sunday will be relaxing. We get a couple of days, and then she's off for a week with her family, and then she's off to work. So this is the only time I have. Party or not, I can't not go. Otherwise I probably wouldn't see her in many weeks. I know Meg has repeatedly told me to do what I'm comfortable with, but honestly - that's not what I can do in this situation. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll do ok, but I'm definitely a fish out of water in those situations. They're literally choking to be in. I'm scared.

Anyway, Meg was telling me the week at Laura's might not be relaxing with her and her partner stressing etc. Meg said she'll help out and probably hang out with Alex. She then told me about how Alex is making the wedding dress. I told Guy this and he found it hilarious and started telling me to ask things. I was getting flustered because I was trying to draw, listen to Guy, speak to Meg and being told by Guy what to say.

Turns out Laura fancied Alex for a long time but was too scared to tell him and was trying to hook Alex and Meg up, even though both of them weren't into it.

That made me spiral. Why? Meg told me the other night I'm more than enough for her. Meg and Alex had no interest in a relationship. So why the F was I spiralling? Don't know - but it happened. I started becoming withdrawn, but Guy was still talking and monologuing and laughing about stuff. I wanted to disconnect from Guy and Meg and just draw. But I couldn't.

Meg asked me if I was ok. I said no, I tried to explain, but it was becoming too much. Out in the sun, the heat, Guy chatting, trying to draw, and being slapped in the face by the emotions that just hit me when she told me about Laura trying to hook them up. Inner critic I guess. I felt compromised, yet I couldn't rationalise why. It just was.

I said I'd talk to her later. My battery on my phone was dying. I apologised, and she apologised - for the same thing. We both worried we'd added to each other's overwhelm.

Guy announced I needed to draw on a Master's of the Universe card. I was confused. He reiterated and said draw on a card and sign it. In the end I went inside with him because I couldn't make sense of what he was asking. He pulled out a couple of cardboard backs to action figures he'd bought. They were obviously covered in the design of He-Man and a couple were from the film Taxi.

I was still confused. How can I draw ontop of something that's literally covered in pictures, colours etc. I was starting to feel uneasy, and Guy was losing patience with me. He went to the next room, got some sort of marker pens and said to draw one of my characters ontop of the card and sign it. I was starting to feel frazzled, and I told him I wasn't sure. I didn't know what to do. But his energy was getting more and more overbearing.

I said I'm not feeling this. My gut didn't want me to do it, and I was overwhelmed by what happened earlier, plus this mounting tension. He replied to me: "I don't CARE what you feel like doing. Do it now." And he thrust the card and pens on me and said I had 10 minutes.

So I drew. I wasn't really happy with the end result, but he liked it. After that, well - I couldn't really focus. He cooked lunch whilst I sat colouring. Whilst focus remained ok on the stimulant medication - I felt really low. I was anxious, wavy and I felt a deep sadness inside.

Not long after we'd finished eating I headed home. On the drive I couldn't release what was pent up inside. I wanted to cry so bad, but I couldn't. In the end I screamed as loud as I possibly could. I screamed so suddenly and loudly that my throat instantly felt sore. I stopped, because I didn't want to damage something. Besides, it didn't really help anyway. Kept wanting to punch things. But I did that the other day in my car - and guess what. Punching a steering wheel - you're not going to "win" or come out ontop. Same with punching the door cards. All it does is create pain and throbbing, and then you feel that sadness, the anger, the frustration - plus you're in pain.

Kept having flashing thoughts of cutting myself. But that's something I'd laid to rest when I was 17. I guess skin picking, hair pulling, punching things etc. are all forms of self harm. But it's rare that I get strong visualisations of taking a knife and cutting myself.

It's a need for a release. Things are welling up inside again and I don't know how to process it.

Guy was chain smoking weed as usual. He lit a big joint, took a puff then left it sat on the table next to me. The smoke was blowing right into my face. I was trying to hold my breath, but it was quite frustrating. I know the medication is reducing some of my anxiety and improving focus - so in conversations I'm fairing a little better. Not as much overthinking holding me back and in silence. But I still don't have the stones to tell people when they're crossing the line. So then they keep on crossing the line because they think it's fine.

Repressed. Leads to anger. Mind you, so does quitting weed cold turkey. So does prolonged depression and anxiety. Plus the inner critic is tearing me down on a daily basis. Of course I'm F'ing angry. At times I think I'm going to go postal. Doubt it'd happen, but I understand a sympathise with the people who do just lose it and end up causing mayhem because it was the straw that broke the camels back.

Anyway, I needed to get this out. I wanted to go to Wilburton park to draw, but I'm not really in the mood. It's too hot outside anyway. I had pondered staffing as well, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. The main desire is to do big throws to try and release some of this pent up energy and emotion. Usually a few big throws helps somewhat. Problem is catching the staff after you've thrown it 2 or 3 storeys in the air is very risky, and it's how I normally injure myself. Pair that with the fact that I'm not in a good headspace, and I think the risk of injury is too great.

Back home. It's becoming increasingly harder coming back home. I don't want to be here quite frankly. Dizzy every time I'm around my parents. Hurridly eating my dinner so I can get away from being around them. I feel like an ungrateful son. Not doing well here. Cornwall made me realise just how much is lacking in my life in Haddenham. I'm sick of it, but it looks like I'll still be here for another 3+ months, maybe longer.

Can't rush the van. I want it done by Xmas, but in reality I don't know if it will. Don't want to mess it up. Need to be patient and take time researching. Not sure the money will last that long. Then it's back to a menial, poorly paid and soul destroying job.

Jesus Christ this anger right now. It's not even about what originally triggered me. I noticed this on the drive home - I wasn't flooded with anxious or depressive thoughts. My mind doesn't race like it usually does, because this medication helps maintain focus, and quietens the background chatter. I couldn't place my finger on a topic or anything that was causing the emotion. Again - it just was. It just sat there, in my stomach like a rock. Couldn't process it, couldn't release it. It wouldn't let go. Felt quite helpless, and with that helplessness, the anger grew.

Best stop here, I think writing about it is escalating things, and I was blogging in the hopes I'd calm down.

I looked at myself long and hard in the mirror earlier. I do this during times of duress. I saw the look in my eyes - that anger. I noticed my nose, eyes and one side of the face literally twitching with anger. The kind of look you see in film or TV shows when someone's about to cause absolute mayhem. I don't like seeing that side. Sure, it's every reason to exist as any other part to a person. But why so angry? Well, I guess I touched upon that before - so yeah.

Need to calm down. Maybe some music and some swaying and just settle down. Then again, Meg said she was looking forward to talking to me later, and I feel like the longer I delay replying, the harsher that is. I just need some time though. I'm quite overwhelmed. Sounds odd to say I want to cry, but I do. I just can't seem to right now.

Just now I picked up the Stanley knife I've been using for framing and held it in my hands. My hand started to tremble and my eyes started to tear up. Still couldn't cry properly. I dumped the knife back on the table, felt like a failure in that regard too. Not that it would've solved anything if I'd cut myself. It'd just be something I'd have to hide, cover up. Pretend it wasn't there. Now I remember the looks I used to get in college, and the "talks" teachers would give me when they saw my arms all cut up and mangled. I don't want to go through that again. Self-harm. FFS grow up Ed.

I need a release. Please.

EDIT - found a happy medium and a genuine release. I have ingrown toenails. Nothing serious, but I do my own DIY wedge resection. Basically trim the edges of the nail that grow into the skin. Cut into the nail and stop when it gets sore, then get tweezers and pull the nail section off. Then it means there isn't a bit of nail digging into the skin.

It's warm today, and I took my socks off, knew the DIY thing was overdue. Noticed due to the heat my nails were soft. Instead of using scissors, and due to all the pent up mumbo jumbo I just pushed the tweezers into the top of my nail. The nail was soft enough that it gave way. So I thought sod it. In for a penny, in for a pound. I pushed the tweezers down the whole side of the nail to the base and ripped it out. Did this on both sides of one nail and one side of the other big toe nail.

Job done. Now my toenails won't need doing for 3+ months, and the pain, release and blood. Eh, Iunno. Dr's, GP's, nurses and a podiatrist all lost their marbles when they saw I did DIY wedge resections. Saying I'd get infections, it's not safe etc etc. Tbh I've never had a wound infection and I'm not the cleanest of people. I just don't fret about stuff like that and it doesn't happen.

So I guess this DIY wedge resection was a form of self harm, but a helpful one. Stings a bit now, but I can't believe I managed to just push a pair of tweezers through the length of the nail. Now I know how to do this new fangled wedge resection in the future. Mind you, unlike when they do it professionally - I don't have whatever chemical they put on the wound/edge to stop the nail from regrowing.

Still, it is what it is. Needed doing, and it actually proved to be the release I needed. But I'm a little troubled by that realisation. That pain and a wound is what it took to bring me back down. In reality I need to find a healthier release. Especially as this procedure only needs doing a handful of times a year. I can't rely on it every time I get overwhelmed like this. Also, it was a little unnerving that it didn't hurt. As I said above, normally I'd cut into the nail a bit, stop when it got sore. Any nail biter will know that if you go too close to the underneath skin of the nail - it's super sensitive, tender and you'll be tentative with that area for days after. Yet in that moment I did something unlike I've ever done before and didn't feel anything until after I'd pulled out 4mm wide sections of either side of the nail along the entire length. Hmm. Mind over matter?



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