Tonight has been a big one for me. Not because of an event or someone visiting.
Tonight is a big night because I am facing what I internally have feared for a long time. Failure. Or more specifically perpetual failure. Constantly expecting myself to fail somehow and avoiding to try entirely to not have to deal with the pain. It's a juvenile sentiment, but also a very real one in my head. And it didn't help that my Stepmother both instigated and reinforced it. Without knowing what she was doing to me psychologically. Though on the other side of the coin, I had no idea the long term consequences of my choice to run and hide from both her and failure.
I had no sounding board for my grievances with her, as my father was 'too busy' with his own work to bother with me. Plus I knew that if I confronted him about my stepmother and told him all the stuff she has said and done. He wouldn't respond like you'd hope.
His go to would be "So you want me to divorce her?!"
I wish I was exaggerating that.
But in the end though, I have to address my portion of the fault for allowing such thoughts rule me and how I function. Believing that I am "stupid, dumb, and retarded" and feeling like I have to have someone approve what I doing or else it's somehow automatically believed to be done wrong in my head.
The problem is that I have plenty I've done here with my uncle that proves that I can do. But I still blindly think I am a failure.
But not anymore. I am tired of telling myself those lies. I am tired of serving the word of my stepmother who really has never cared one ounce about me. I am tired of how hard I've made life just because I wanted to run from failure.
All I've done is fail by not allowing life to happen. Mistakes and failures are part of life. I can't keep running from that forever. So I'll stop running and face both my inner demons and life itself.
Tonight is a big night because I am facing what I internally have feared for a long time. Failure. Or more specifically perpetual failure. Constantly expecting myself to fail somehow and avoiding to try entirely to not have to deal with the pain. It's a juvenile sentiment, but also a very real one in my head. And it didn't help that my Stepmother both instigated and reinforced it. Without knowing what she was doing to me psychologically. Though on the other side of the coin, I had no idea the long term consequences of my choice to run and hide from both her and failure.
I had no sounding board for my grievances with her, as my father was 'too busy' with his own work to bother with me. Plus I knew that if I confronted him about my stepmother and told him all the stuff she has said and done. He wouldn't respond like you'd hope.
His go to would be "So you want me to divorce her?!"
I wish I was exaggerating that.
But in the end though, I have to address my portion of the fault for allowing such thoughts rule me and how I function. Believing that I am "stupid, dumb, and retarded" and feeling like I have to have someone approve what I doing or else it's somehow automatically believed to be done wrong in my head.
The problem is that I have plenty I've done here with my uncle that proves that I can do. But I still blindly think I am a failure.
But not anymore. I am tired of telling myself those lies. I am tired of serving the word of my stepmother who really has never cared one ounce about me. I am tired of how hard I've made life just because I wanted to run from failure.
All I've done is fail by not allowing life to happen. Mistakes and failures are part of life. I can't keep running from that forever. So I'll stop running and face both my inner demons and life itself.
