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That old familiar feeling...

By Kristin · Jun 3, 2021 · ·
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  1. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I feel so alone. I hate it. I want to not hate it. I want to be, "strong and independent," and I want people to see me that way. Unfortunately, I feel like a weirdo/alien/robot, watching people around me have normal lives, normal relationships, and trying to figure out the trick to fitting in or understanding. I don't always feel this way, but when it hits me, it hits me hard and it's pretty draining. I feel like maybe I said something similar in my last blog post. I probably should have re-read it before posting, but oh well.

    About Author

    Kristin
    Autistic. Anxious. ADHD. Artist. Single. Mother.

Comments

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  1. Douglas Mourao
    "Unfortunately, I feel like a weirdo/alien/robot, watching people around me have normal lives, normal relationships, and trying to figure out the trick to fitting in or understanding."

    I've been there. Well , the only thing I know is that by the moment I started to understand myself a little deeper, other's behaviors started to become more and more comprehensible. To understand is to observe.

    Kudos from Brazil.
  2. Gerald Wilgus
    You cannot, because of our neurology, act otherwise. Socially/sexually isolated in my teens to late 20s I began hating myself, and that still affects me. That is compounded by a bitterness that I need to jettison. Please don't go in that direction. It was hard but I rewrote a positive internal narrative about myself while stumbling along the way until I found out the type of person I would appreciate.

    I recognize now (with great help from the people here) that my mind was too socially immature to be able to handle a commitment but when I recognized a kind, accepting, woman, things fell into place
  3. Raggamuffin
    When you feel alone, reach out to others - as you have done here. Loneliness is a crushing feeling that I'm all to familiar with. Try and reach out to friends as talking and company helps.

    Feeling integrated in a society that makes you feel uncomfortable is difficult. Something that can soothe is going for walks in parks, woods or fields - depending where you live of course. Somewhere away from the crowds, somewhere that reminds you that we all belong to nature, and yet, human nature seems to push us away from it.

    The notion of normality can be unsettling, especially when you feel as if life is being played out like you're a bystander to other people's narratives, whilst feeling like you have writer's block in your own mind.
      Kristin likes this.
  4. Raggamuffin
    Repetition of thoughts and feelings isn't a bad thing - unless you let it become that way. Seems far too oversimplified, to the point of almost sounding arrogant. Simplicity tends to be hard to integrate - like CBT trying to unravel the unhelpful thought processes and rephrasing them, or trying to diffuse them with logic and mindfulness.

    The tension people with ASD feel is unnerving - to the point where even happy moments can seem off balance and unstable. Anxiety also has a nasty habit of sewing the seeds of doubt and apprehension into pretty much everyone and everything you encounter.

    However it's expressed - I firmly believe there is a lot of creativity in people with ASD. Some have obvious outlets, such as music or art - but I think all of us are very creative thinkers. This can help or hinder us - either providing a well of limitless ideals, or a reel of neverending nightmares.

    Of course, anxiety and depression get stronger with every thought we dedicate towards it. Sometimes we're so lost amongst these emotions that months can go by - and we're trapped in that heavy emotional fog.

    Reach out though - talk, blog, share and create. Voice what's inside your head and it will go some way to lightening the load. Also, try to get outside - fresh air, walks and nature. Again, I know it sounds overly simplistic - but it will help.

    Ed
      Kristin likes this.
    1. Kristin
      Thank you for replying. I definitely use music and art as an outlet (see my previous blog post for examples). I just hate when I get to this point of anxiousness and depression because nothing feels right? If that makes any sense. I'm not even entirely sure it's depression... yet. I know I feel sad, anxious, and overwhelmed, though. That's for sure.