Well, I finally got to tell my story in Small Group Bible Study. I told it all, about my sadistic third grade teacher, the teasing and taunts, the meltdowns, being put in Special Education and drugged until I almost wound up in the State hospital, being sexually molested on my first date, finding a lump in my neck and having the doctor say, "Yup, could be cancer" and walking out of the room, going home that night to receive an anonymous phone call saying "Retard, retard, you're a retard." I talked about the difficulties I had reconciling my experiences with what I had been taught about a loving God and I said that sometimes I think those who are raised without any religion at all are more at peace when life's difficulties hit them because they know that there is no one out there to blame, it's just the luck of a bad draw. I finished by saying that my experience was not all that unusual for those on the autism spectrum.
When I was finished there was a stunned silence. This was not at all what I had expected. I had expected them to rush in with trite phrases and tell me that God loves me. I expected them to contradict me. But they did not. I think what I said shocked them a little and got them thinking. One woman said, "it sounds like you've had no one watching your back." I'd say that was a pretty fair statement. Not, you felt like, but you haven't. Which means they were listening and doing some thinking. There was some pretty intense praying afterwards. I heard several people say, "God, I just don't understand."
I think one of the reasons my story hit home so hard is that nearly everyone in this group either has an autistic grandchild or knows someone who has an autistic child; in fact Pastor's son is autistic. And I was telling them what it was like for these grandchildren and children, what they go through inwardly. Later one woman said to me that when I first started coming to the group she thought that I was being quite forceful in my questioning but now after hearing my story she can understand why.
But now that the shock is starting to wear off I am starting to get the hooey that God is going to do a mighty work in me which is why Satan has been oppressing me all my life. It's not genetics, it's not brain chemistry, it's demons. I have been singled out for something special. Already they say they can see the change in me. I think, what change? But I will meekly go along with it for now and ease back on my questioning. In small group, that is, this blog is another matter. I will continue to question and wrestle here.
When I was finished there was a stunned silence. This was not at all what I had expected. I had expected them to rush in with trite phrases and tell me that God loves me. I expected them to contradict me. But they did not. I think what I said shocked them a little and got them thinking. One woman said, "it sounds like you've had no one watching your back." I'd say that was a pretty fair statement. Not, you felt like, but you haven't. Which means they were listening and doing some thinking. There was some pretty intense praying afterwards. I heard several people say, "God, I just don't understand."
I think one of the reasons my story hit home so hard is that nearly everyone in this group either has an autistic grandchild or knows someone who has an autistic child; in fact Pastor's son is autistic. And I was telling them what it was like for these grandchildren and children, what they go through inwardly. Later one woman said to me that when I first started coming to the group she thought that I was being quite forceful in my questioning but now after hearing my story she can understand why.
But now that the shock is starting to wear off I am starting to get the hooey that God is going to do a mighty work in me which is why Satan has been oppressing me all my life. It's not genetics, it's not brain chemistry, it's demons. I have been singled out for something special. Already they say they can see the change in me. I think, what change? But I will meekly go along with it for now and ease back on my questioning. In small group, that is, this blog is another matter. I will continue to question and wrestle here.
