In my previous blog(s), I wrote about seeing a therapist, a possibility to be on the spectrum, getting a diagnosis and all. It's been about 2 weeks after my therapist told me that this was the end of the road with him. I have yet to phone another therapist who should get me more towards the path of an official diagnosis, but I had to sort some legal stuff out, cause I can't really afford a large bill (but then again, who can?)
I thought about the email he sent me, where he somewhat stated his findings. But seeing as it was adressed towards my GP as well, it was well.. kinda general. Yes, he stated that there might be a good chance I might be on the spectrum, in any form or shape. But besides that, he stated that amongst stuff he found that in sessions, I apparently had a problem in keeping friends, relationships or jobs.
While we can all have problems on this, I went to analyse the entire deal. I thought about stuff like "what is a friendship?" and amongst that I thought "did I have this going on with those people?". If so, where did it fail. I rarely call it dwelling on mistakes, I call it learning. I did the same with relationships and with jobs. And in a way, I found that I was, partially at fault, but not nearly as much as the other people. And mind you, I'm not trying to look good, or claim "I'm a victim". I know, that to some extent I've lost jobs due to my, well.. ."quirkiness" or other behaviour that deserves a big no-no (accoring to a lot of people). And I'm, even less day by day, apologizing for it, I accept that this is "me". I tried the entire "if I behave like they expect me to" for a few years, a couple of years ago.
It;
a. held me back in doing things I liked.
b. I spent more time thinking about "what other people wanted to see from me" then actually doing and living.
Another thing I thought about, and that's something I, if I recall correct, once stated on this board. "How can I learn from someone if their behaviour isn't examplary?" (the entire deal on "what is the correct way to behave aside, I can however state that apparently "my way" is not correct, and therefore am either a bad student or had bad textbooks or both)
Anyway, back to the therapist and my friendships/relationships. Over the past year I've lost 3 friends... not by death, but because they either told me "get lost" or just didn't respond to phonecalls or anything at all. Here's 2 of those friendships, as I wrote about the other one last time.
I've ranted about one on another forum, so I intend to keep it short on this one. I dated a girl, slept with her... and I've known her for about 1,5 years prior before that happened. I liked her, and she apparently liked me... apparently... in the end we got into a big fight with deaththreats and all, cause she after that one time we shared a bed played a game with me for 4 months straight blaming me I cheated with a girl, who in fact, wasn't even real. She was posing as this other girl through IM. I found this all out quite soon actually, but played along (yes I'm that patient. But I told her after 4 months, that I was on to her and her antics from day one and I saved all chatlogs, which I did). I'm not mad about the 4 month period. I'm more beriddled about the entire "why?". To me this has nothing to do with a good example of behaviour. This, to me is just silly.
A friend... one of my best friends, of whom I'm told about in an earlier blog. We both did a lot of drugs earlier this year. But I told him "look man, I can stay of this without a problem, but I'm not sure with you. Detox a bit, don't get addicted to this". I got off it... he, not so much. Another friend of mine ran into him last week. He pretty much told me "he's a total dopefiend". Which is kinda sad, but I'm no ones dad, and if you don't take any advice I give you, why should I keep caring? It all becomes more odd, when I realize that he and his new "best friend" (his dealer) saw me at an ATM and told me "well, [friends name] is in the car there". I told him, "yeah so, he has my cellnumber and knows where I live". After I got some cash, I went out for something to eat, and coincidentally, they both stopped at the same place. Yet, only the guy I met at the ATM got out. My 'friend" wanted to get out, but realized I was inside, and shut the door again. Apparently he doesn't want to face me either...
Allright, here's another example. Last one though... I was in a 8,5 year relationship with the sister of my childhood friend. In the end we figured it didn't work. I recently thought about relationships and all, thought about her, and it became more so clear. With her routines, her OCD-ish stuff, her not quite social stuff, she might just as well be on the spectrum. I'm not saying everyone with such traits is, but it could just as well be. And me being more chaotic by the day (which is one of the reasons therapists actually think I'm not a textbook-spectrum-case), I think she had a hard time coping with me. Re-thinking her (or our) situation, I could state that, for example her obsession with order might just as well be borderlining a disorder of sorts. In the end if came down to her stating "you know I like everything clean", and I was like "you know I like everything like a grenade just went off". It was either black or white in our case. We were both at fault, but I'm way to proud to take full blame myself. It's hard enough to deal with my own black/white view and try to blend in some grey. That works out fine, as long as other people care for grey, and not want to exact opposite.
So, I put up 3 examples, yet a therapist tries to label me as "you're unable to maintain relationships of any sort". I think it's quite harsh words if he doesn't take in account the contacts and circumstances were far from what goes on everyday. That, to me, is also a really dangerous proposition for anyone to claim something, and even more so if they're supposedly "professional".
A final word. I do want to stress... I'm not the best student in the class. I can be quite the "bad boy". I've did enough stuff where one could argue if this is correct. But the fact is, that even if you're with other people that think you're "cool to be around with" because of your general lack of rules and all. That does not make up for acting like a total psycho, just because you're around someone who has a different perspective. That's something people somehow miss.
I thought about the email he sent me, where he somewhat stated his findings. But seeing as it was adressed towards my GP as well, it was well.. kinda general. Yes, he stated that there might be a good chance I might be on the spectrum, in any form or shape. But besides that, he stated that amongst stuff he found that in sessions, I apparently had a problem in keeping friends, relationships or jobs.
While we can all have problems on this, I went to analyse the entire deal. I thought about stuff like "what is a friendship?" and amongst that I thought "did I have this going on with those people?". If so, where did it fail. I rarely call it dwelling on mistakes, I call it learning. I did the same with relationships and with jobs. And in a way, I found that I was, partially at fault, but not nearly as much as the other people. And mind you, I'm not trying to look good, or claim "I'm a victim". I know, that to some extent I've lost jobs due to my, well.. ."quirkiness" or other behaviour that deserves a big no-no (accoring to a lot of people). And I'm, even less day by day, apologizing for it, I accept that this is "me". I tried the entire "if I behave like they expect me to" for a few years, a couple of years ago.
It;
a. held me back in doing things I liked.
b. I spent more time thinking about "what other people wanted to see from me" then actually doing and living.
Another thing I thought about, and that's something I, if I recall correct, once stated on this board. "How can I learn from someone if their behaviour isn't examplary?" (the entire deal on "what is the correct way to behave aside, I can however state that apparently "my way" is not correct, and therefore am either a bad student or had bad textbooks or both)
Anyway, back to the therapist and my friendships/relationships. Over the past year I've lost 3 friends... not by death, but because they either told me "get lost" or just didn't respond to phonecalls or anything at all. Here's 2 of those friendships, as I wrote about the other one last time.
I've ranted about one on another forum, so I intend to keep it short on this one. I dated a girl, slept with her... and I've known her for about 1,5 years prior before that happened. I liked her, and she apparently liked me... apparently... in the end we got into a big fight with deaththreats and all, cause she after that one time we shared a bed played a game with me for 4 months straight blaming me I cheated with a girl, who in fact, wasn't even real. She was posing as this other girl through IM. I found this all out quite soon actually, but played along (yes I'm that patient. But I told her after 4 months, that I was on to her and her antics from day one and I saved all chatlogs, which I did). I'm not mad about the 4 month period. I'm more beriddled about the entire "why?". To me this has nothing to do with a good example of behaviour. This, to me is just silly.
A friend... one of my best friends, of whom I'm told about in an earlier blog. We both did a lot of drugs earlier this year. But I told him "look man, I can stay of this without a problem, but I'm not sure with you. Detox a bit, don't get addicted to this". I got off it... he, not so much. Another friend of mine ran into him last week. He pretty much told me "he's a total dopefiend". Which is kinda sad, but I'm no ones dad, and if you don't take any advice I give you, why should I keep caring? It all becomes more odd, when I realize that he and his new "best friend" (his dealer) saw me at an ATM and told me "well, [friends name] is in the car there". I told him, "yeah so, he has my cellnumber and knows where I live". After I got some cash, I went out for something to eat, and coincidentally, they both stopped at the same place. Yet, only the guy I met at the ATM got out. My 'friend" wanted to get out, but realized I was inside, and shut the door again. Apparently he doesn't want to face me either...
Allright, here's another example. Last one though... I was in a 8,5 year relationship with the sister of my childhood friend. In the end we figured it didn't work. I recently thought about relationships and all, thought about her, and it became more so clear. With her routines, her OCD-ish stuff, her not quite social stuff, she might just as well be on the spectrum. I'm not saying everyone with such traits is, but it could just as well be. And me being more chaotic by the day (which is one of the reasons therapists actually think I'm not a textbook-spectrum-case), I think she had a hard time coping with me. Re-thinking her (or our) situation, I could state that, for example her obsession with order might just as well be borderlining a disorder of sorts. In the end if came down to her stating "you know I like everything clean", and I was like "you know I like everything like a grenade just went off". It was either black or white in our case. We were both at fault, but I'm way to proud to take full blame myself. It's hard enough to deal with my own black/white view and try to blend in some grey. That works out fine, as long as other people care for grey, and not want to exact opposite.
So, I put up 3 examples, yet a therapist tries to label me as "you're unable to maintain relationships of any sort". I think it's quite harsh words if he doesn't take in account the contacts and circumstances were far from what goes on everyday. That, to me, is also a really dangerous proposition for anyone to claim something, and even more so if they're supposedly "professional".
A final word. I do want to stress... I'm not the best student in the class. I can be quite the "bad boy". I've did enough stuff where one could argue if this is correct. But the fact is, that even if you're with other people that think you're "cool to be around with" because of your general lack of rules and all. That does not make up for acting like a total psycho, just because you're around someone who has a different perspective. That's something people somehow miss.
