And... I had another meltdown yesterday. Sigh.
I'm obviously still recovering from the trauma. At first, I couldn't understand why I was falling apart when everything was okay. For some reason, my brain wants to keep screaming everything is NOT okay and that I need to run away. It keeps picking at everything that is wrong, everything that is different about me. The final straw was the cat literally spraying me directly the other night. All day yesterday I was. It's hard to describe the anguish. I can describe somatic symptoms... muscle spasms, trembles, hypertension, nausea, heartburn, migraine, the general sense of feeling unwell and like one might need to go to the hospital. Harder to describe is my thought processes and emotions.
It started with my world. Feeling alone and helpless. Recognizing every way in which I was not equipped by my family for success. Realizing that despite my best efforts, I'm struggling. Yesterday the word was failing but I'm trying to avoid that thought today because it denotes giving up. The thought processes expanded to thinking about all those like me that I know... the ones that are highly gifted, and they're all on disability, struggling with employment, struggling with their health, finding trauma has impacted their physical health... unable to figure out a way to exist without... pain, constant pain. Thought expansion into how society is run... how people are used as the product nowadays and not natural resources... how more value is placed on a piece of paper than on an individual's actual capacity to contribute to society... the crash landing it's all leading up to. Extinction. How more and more smart people are deciding not to have children because they don't want to torture them in this way... they see no hope... not even for kids that could change the course... it seems too far gone. How women are not allowed to get their tubes tied, and soon won't even be able to get abortions either... how this is claimed for the good of babies but no. It's just to keep the cattle herds going despite so many efforts to stop reproduction. The way my gifted group has put a gag order on us older members lest we squelch the optimism and hope of new members. The truth is... they put a gag order on us all because we were only depressing each other through validating the issues we saw in the world and the way it treats us. And now none of us hardly ever comment there, except maybe to point a new member in the direction of learning how to cope with themselves. That's all any of us can actually do. Cope with ourselves. We have no impact on the world and the world won't allow us to have any impact on it.
Yeah. My thoughts went pretty dark and deep. And yesterday night ended with me sobbing in the closet... my safe space.
My bf came and dragged me out, as could be expected. Everyone always drags me out of there, and I hate it. I WANT TO BE IN THERE DAMN IT. No matter where I am, what's wrong, or anything... the closet always feels the same, smells the same, is the same. It's quiet and dark and close and has that slightly musky smell of clothing and if there is clothing, I love to get behind it and feel it caress my skin... there's something comforting about it. I went back to the closet. Damn it, I knew that was just going to irritate him, but I had to be in my safe place. The only way I know to get a break from everything, including myself.
Surprisingly, this time... he didn't drag me out. He didn't get frustrated. He joined me. I just sat there for a bit, feeling the molding on the wall with my fingertips. I told him... how when I was little, and my mom was mad at me, I would go hide in her closet just for a few minutes of peace before she would drag me out. It was a way to buy time. He told me... that when he was little he used to create his own little safe space... though no one was there dragging him out of his. He said if I wanted we could put a chair in there so I wouldn't be sitting on the floor and hurting my bursitis. I said I prefer to be on the floor, but some pillows and blankets would be nice. He said okay.
And then he just held me until we were both sleepy and suggested we go to bed.
Why did he do that? Why does he put up with me acting like that? I mean, I was really pissed the other night over his cat and gave him a sound, sturdy lecture on taking proper care of cats and not treating them like dogs because they will ABSOLUTELY dominate the crap out of your life, unlike dogs. I'm constantly questioning his honesty (note here he HAS lied and I don't really believe in things like "white lies" not leading to BIG lies), I'm constantly questioning his ability to love me... the rightness of anyone to love me... whether I should be alone, if that is my destiny. But he keeps. He keeps reacting in ways I don't expect.
Like, when I got upset because he lied to me again the other day by telling me I wasn't bothering him when I actually was. It made me get into questioning his overall honesty. And... at first... he got really defensive and stomped off crying. And I was just kind of like, yup, there it is. The end. But no. He came back. Back for more, because I was just kind of like see you keep telling me I can talk to you, but I literally can't without you acting like this. The thing that was upsetting me was the lack of personal accountability and just... honest communication. I wasn't really jumping his case, but trying to get him to see my point, and by acting defensive and all that... yelling... it just made me wonder if I had indeed struck an ugly nerve. Because every abuser and manipulator I've ever been around would act just like that. I take it as red flags now. But... when I sent him an article listing bad leadership qualities the next morning, stating maybe a neutral third party could say it better than I could based on my own subjective experiences... he came and apologized. Said he realized after reading that, I was right, and he wasn't communicating effectively.
Leaving me kind of like huhhhhhhh because typically once I start throwing out resources people REALLY blow up n my face, yet I will do it anyway, not so much for them anymore, but for ME. To say I tried. To say yes, I was not wrong for this, even if I went about it the wrong way... I had the right idea going.
Despite his puzzling behavior... despite the puzzling behaviors of many others... one thing I have really came into realizing lately is... IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM. It is about ME. THAT is where my focus needs to be. Not on pleasing them, but on pleasing myself. Making myself be the person I want to be. Treating others the way I want to be treated. I WANT to know if you have a problem with me. I WANT you to be honest and clear about it, no matter how worried you may be about my reaction. If you find a resource on the issue, I WANT to see it. I WANT my communications with others to be sensible and clear and upfront and... just... LOGICAL. I understand emotions aren't always logical, and sometimes they slip away on us. But that's where our higher understanding and empathy needs to come into play.
My biggest fear right now in regards to him is that he will not be honest with me if he has a problem with me. That he will repress until he can't repress any more, then fly out of control without any warning, shocking and hurting me. That he's hiding something from me that I may find out later that hurts and shocks me. Etc.
I know that's a fear I need to cope with. But I also know I need his help specifically to cope with it. His help to see it is not the case... or it is the case... whichever it may be.
Just like he needs my help to see that I likewise am not going to blow up at him for making a mistake. That I'm not going to leave him because I'm not satisfied in some way, without trying to work things out first. He... appreciates me... he sees... what other people have not.
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still recovering... this may take a while...