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Sorry, I can't have a proper conversation anymore

  1. Been a while since I’ve posted on here. Haven’t really had the desire or motivation to do so. I tended to write blogs and be more active here when I was in the office at work. It broke up the day-to-day grind and helped me feel a bit more social when stuck in an office where I feel very isolated.

    This is the second week of working from home. Setup in my parents’ office now. It’s good to work from a desk again. I am more productive and less distracted now. He says, whilst writing a blog. I’m still fairly caught up, but the enthusiasm and motivation to push hard isn’t there at all. Problem is, I can do my admin stuff very quick and well within the 7 days of receiving paperwork to getting it done. Now that becomes an expectation and I get pestered and chased by people if they don’t receive it within a few days.

    Flat viewing on Friday but it’s a converted flat. Apparently, more and more offices are being converted into flats. What with COVID meaning more work from home etc. They don’t need to apply for planning permission to convert them. This means quality can be lacking. Which in turn could mean expensive maintenance charges when things need repairing etc. This one is cheap and in a good location. I saw another nice flat that was cheap which also happened to be converted offices, so I think I see a potential pattern emerging. Also, this is owned by someone who is renting out the flat. Makes me ask, why do they want rid of it? Surely people add to their property portfolios to make more money. So why would you sell up? Unless it’s not making as much money due to potential costs?

    Not sure how enthusiastic I will be doing a 2 hour round trip to view a flat on a cold winter evening in a location I’ve never been to. Initially I was positive about this, but when I found out it was converted offices my gut reaction was one of caution. My last house was a compromise. In terms of location and type of house etc. I don’t want to compromise with my next place. But cost is the main issue around here. If I moved far away, I could get a forever home. Around here that just wouldn’t be able to happen with my budget.

    Wisdom tooth appointment is on 19th Jan. I also have hygienist on 14th Jan and a dental check up on 17th December. He noted 3 teeth needing fillings. 2 which have them already and need new ones due to further decay. The other is the tooth in front of this wisdom tooth. He said it’d be a tricky filling to do as it’s around the back of the molar. I’m hoping all dental work can be finished by the end of January.

    My 4-day weekend wasn’t that pleasant. I mean, I was social with Zak. He had a week off and we rang each other daily and had long Discord voice chats. Played PSU each day last week and had a few long sessions. But on the weekend my bodily aches and pains went nuclear. It was unbearable. On Monday when he was back at work, and I had nobody to call or socialise with – my body calmed down. So, I’m not sure if there’s a correlation to it. I was initially enjoying chatting with someone regularly, but I guess I started getting worn out.

    Pills aren’t really having the same effect as they did last time. I wonder if the previous focus was overstated on my part. I guess there is some difference in terms of being able to focus on tasks longer than normal. In terms of emotional regulation – I think there’s too many factors at play that are preventing a clear-cut answer. Last time I took Concerta XL I found I wasn’t getting as angry over things. But now I’m extremely brittle and the slightest thing is causing instant frustration.

    I keep wondering if online friends would talk to me if I didn’t make the effort to start conversations. A lot are sporadic with replying. It’s difficult as this is my only avenue of friendship at the moment. Real life friends involve driving to them, because again – I don’t get calls or requests or pro-active friends who want to drive to meet me etc. I’d thought of doing an experiment and not messaging anyone for a week to see who was pro-active in responding to me. But I’d have to do some prep in so much as to leave each conversation with them having said the last word. Otherwise, some will just be messaging me in response to what I previously said.

    Might sound odd. Also, not sure I’d want to know the results. Also, a whole week without any communication would probably mean my already poor mental state would take a nosedive. My first gf got chatting to me yesterday. We hadn’t spoken in nearly a decade. Last chat ended in an argument, and she blocked me. It was during the early days of anxiety, and I think my energy frustrated her. I checked her name on FB now and then. A few times a year. Usually it was no result – because she’d still blocked me. But I noticed she would unblock me every so often as I could find her profile when I searched. Yesterday was one such time, and I figured I might as well be proactive and send a friend request.

    I guess I didn’t like where we left it. Being blocked and all. In a way, I kind of wished I hadn’t re-added her, because I was met with another conversation that felt lacking. Me doing the heavy lifting and getting rather brief and uninspired responses. The last thing she said stuck in my mind:

    “sorry I cant have a proper conversation anymore”

    Hard to read that in a positive light. I guess I’d expected something more from our conversation. Then again, I was feeling a sense of urgency in how I typed because I wasn’t sure how to categorise or condense nearly 10 years of events since we last spoke. But I can sense vibes quite well, and this conversation was feeling very one sided.

    I suppose this is an issue when it comes to ASD – not only socialising in general, and the associated difficulties and awkwardness that can arise. But when you realise that you’re the one putting in the work and trying to coax replies from friends. You’re the one who must drive to meet friends and make the effort to see them. Then I guess this realisation starts to get turned inwards – feelings of dejection, not feeling good enough. Once again, feeling like I don’t fit in.

    Even my close friends regularly call me weird, or crazy etc. just for being myself. I seem to associate with people who enjoy that sort of self-deprecating humour and mocking one another. I get it, and sarcasm and such like are all well and good. But sometimes even statements that are meant as a joke can end up causing you certain amounts of mental anguish.

    Work is feeling like a losing battle. The new person keeps doing things that don’t concern her and doing various things how Carolyn does. Doing things which create more work for me and seeing all this on a daily basis – each time when I see it, I feel that sudden spark of anger. Medication isn’t going to help with providing any sense of fulfilment or happiness in this job. Never-ending, unmanageable workload, constantly changing who we use to carry out work in the past 12 months means I can’t settle into a new routine for processing and admin. No friends. I know I keep repeating that last one, but its soul destroying. Sure, ASD makes you feel like you don’t really fit in. But I’ve never had no friends in a workplace. Seeing people laughing and chatting in the office is literally filling me with rage at this point. I say “at this point” when in reality it’s been for months.

    At least this wisdom tooth removal is after Christmas. I’m hoping we have it here, because if it’s not here then it’s at my brother’s house with his wife and kids. I don’t like the energy of that place. Feels cramped, makes me feel uncomfortable, there’s toys and mess everywhere and the kids are too loud and happy.

    “Too happy Ed?” Yes, it’s annoying. Completely unintentional on their part. I get that. It’s just my prolonged depression resenting seeing other people happy. That is my burden, and I think the guilt involved with depression is justifiable in certain instances. Such as when it drags others down with you, or when you actively feel anger and disgust at seeing other people happy. Then again, blame and shame when it comes to mental health issues only serves to increase negative emotions.

    Looks quite sunny outside. I got some gloves, a fleece hood/mask and I’m getting a new keffiyeh and thermal long johns too. Basically, I want to be able to do long winter walks without feeling painful drafts and such like. All 4 purchases still came well under what it’d cost to buy a winter jacket/coat. So, I’m happy with that. Also, I haven’t gone mad with spending. I paid off my impulse phone and GPU purchase. I’ve planned out my budget going forwards. I will be putting over £700 a month into my savings. But also giving myself £250 a month spending money because I know I can’t live like a pauper for prolonged periods. Especially when I have more spare money now than I’ve ever had in my life.

    I guess the more I feel like I don’t fit in – the more reality will play out my beliefs as such. Concerta XL isn’t going to help burn out though. Propanalol is good to have in case I succumb to a panic attack. But I rarely get those anymore. So the paramedic and NHS recommendations that I am medicated again aren’t really going to have a profound effect. Work and life in general remain stressful and unfulfilling. Therapy feels like it might be useful again, if I can find someone right for me. I guess I just rely on myself above all. Asking for help is very difficult, and when I do – well, I have to condense many many years of issues into brief encounters. So all I really get to release or express is the tip of the iceberg.

    I'm feeling very unworthy at the moment though. To the point where people smiling or saying "hello" to me has me immediately questioning why they'd bother taking the time to do so with someone like me. Either that or I feel pathetically grateful and emotionally overwhelmed that a simple act of eye contact and a smile makes me want to cry.


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