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Slow and steady

By Raggamuffin · Apr 28, 2021 ·
  1. We got some stuff into storage today. The plasterer didn't turn up in the end. He text me saying he'd be there at 9am. Shortly afterwards he text to say his dad is out of hospital and he's the only one who could pick him up. Apparently a lift from hospital is an all day event? I asked if the job will be finished this week and he said yes. This instantly made me think his 3 day job quote was BS if he can now miraculously do it in 2. So long as it's cheaper, I don't mind.

    Kristy starts her time off tomorrow. We're both at home on Thursday and will focus on sorting through more stuff ready to go into storage. On Friday she's off to see friends. Back on Sunday and then off again at some point next week I believe. I'll be relieved when more stuff is in storage, and once the plasterer is done. We had a lot of builders in when we first moved in. It cost the earth, and asides from the carpenter - everyone else's work was rather shoddy. So I don't hold out much hope for this, but we shall have to wait and see. Painting next week, and then we'll get in contact with the estate agent.

    Did a food shop today, and yesterday I got a load of stuff moved upstairs. My PC is up here now. The ethernet cable isn't long enough to reach the modem downstairs. Instead, I've just plugged my phone into the PC and using the USB tethering so it's picking up the Wifi signal off my phone. Upstairs is kinda messy right now, and it's making me feel a little tense. Moving a load of unorganised stuff from downstairs to upstairs didn't feel very productive, when I know it all needs to go into storage. But at least we can get more done tomorrow and things will look even clearer.

    I'm about to go out staffing as I haven't done so in the evenings this week thus far. I must admit, I prefer staffing in the small park near where I work. I think it's because it's always very quiet there. No kids or noise. There's a road nearby, but that doesn't bother me as it isn't too busy. Also, I've noticed it's the drivers who tend to spectate the most, and they can only do so for around 10 seconds. I'd rather have fleeting spectators instead of people stopping their walk through the park just to stare at me. I notice it gets a lot of women smiling, and yet I can only recall a handful of times when people have gone out their way to talk to me, rather than passing comments or questions. That is to say, people of a similar age. It seems the elderly have no issue stopping to chat with me. I get it though - if I saw someone doing something interesting; it's highly unlikely I'd go out of my way to chat to them.

    Looks like tomorrow will be busy. Then Friday - Sunday will be lazy. Monday and Tuesday will be painting, provided the plaster is dry. Then we're good to contact the estate agent. Knowing we're in the home straight feels good, but also realising how much we're leaving a new buyer to sort out in the house doesn't feel great. We're selling it at a lower price because of this. Also, we bought the house realising it needed work doing to it - as I'm sure the next owners will.

    I can safely say that the house, this town I live in, and the relationship I'd been in have all felt like I was settling - these weren't things I truly desired. I just got too caught up in the narrative of a relationship and going through the motions of what I felt was expected in a relationship. I need to pull myself out of the habit of being drawn like a moth to a flame whenever I noticed someone has taken a shinte to me. Then again, the 2 people I dated who I was truly head over heels with, were very unstable people. In recent relationships I'd played it safe - dated people who I liked as friends, but nothing more. As such I realised liked me more than I liked them. I ran under the assumption I didn't have to give it my all, and I assumed I wouldn't get hurt in the process. Turns out that's been true - the hardest part of this breakup has been losing Kes. It does feel like a betrayal, saying you love someone, when you don't feel it. In all honesty, even in the 2 relationships where I really did feel drawn towards them, I'm not sure if it was love. Obsession and lust perhaps, but it was also paired with intense anxiety, paranoia and jealousy.

    I wonder if I'll ever have a pet again, also when I'd ever think it'd be right to attempt a relationship again. I kinda want to go it alone - solo. Get my own place and live for me. Animals and relationships can bring a lot of happiness - but living with the responsiblity of a pets or relationships is a heavy burden, especially for a worrier and sensitive soul such as myself.


    About Author

    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.
    VictorR likes this.


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