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Slip back into my old routine

By Raggamuffin · Sep 1, 2021 ·
  1. Saw a paramedic at the GP last night - I guess they're short staffed? I imagine it saves money if they can get nurses and paramedics to look at patients instead of GP's. At least I got seen to on the same day as I contacted the doctors surgery. He repeated what the last nurse said - no sign of infection. The new, more intense pain was still due to ear wax build up - something I've had an issue with on and off for many years. Got some olive oil ear drops to do 3-5 times a day for 2 weeks. The guy I saw was very helpful though and he put my mind at ease (for now).

    The worrying about my ear did make the afternoon at work a little tricky in terms of focus. But I start an hour early each day, and I'm caught up - so even yesterday's distractions didn't allow me to fall behind. Plus I got to leave 15 mins early to go to the doctors.

    After I finished I went to the pharmacy to get the ear drops and then I went to the rec (local park) and did my staffing. I saw Jack on my drive to the pharmacy, I tried waving but he didn't see me. He also didn't have his phone on him, so he didn't come back to me until later. He said he was picking up in a few days and I could tag along to get a more local contact for tweed. That should see my lil stash last me until the new year. Speaking of, I hope they don't do the police sniffer dog training in the ofice today, because I'm getting whiffs of bud from my trousers.

    Played Eldar Scrolls Oblivion when I got home. Been putting in a few hours each week. It does feel dated in many ways - especially lack of controller support on PC. The mods I tried for controllers felt very clunky and unintuitive. Playing on mouse & keyboard when I'm sat on the floor means I only go an hour or so before I feel like stopping.

    It was pay day yesterday and bills today. Saving just shy of £100 each with cancelling all the utilities and bills I could last week. With any luck this'll be the last month paying for the house we no longer live in. I'm chasing the estate agent tomorrow for a progress update on the buyer's new mortgage offer.

    I really struggled at work yesterday afternoon with hearing the accounts team behind me and all their prattle. In the morning I was doing ok with blocking it out and getting on with my work. But, with the worry and distraction of my ear pain in the afternoon - listening to them talk and joke about dull and frustrating subjects had me literally sat with my head in my hands, trying not to snap. I actually felt myself getting closer to snapping than I normally do. I had very strong visualisations of things I would say or do. Each one ended with me getting fired on the spot.

    Filmed myself staffing in the park yesterday, but my phone camera seems to try and autofocus about 5-10 times a minute. It doesn't make for a pleasant video. I might take out my DSLR and film it again. It'd been my plan for a while now, but I'd need to take my tripod too and it's a bit of a faff.

    Woke up after less than 90 minutes asleep and I'd managed to cause a big flare up of my chronic neck tension. It hit me so hard I was really dazed and confused when I woke up. It hurt so much I initially convinced myself it was meningitis. Yeah...classic catastrophic thinking. It might sound like a stupid narrative and fiction, but it was "my truth" at the time and I ran with it. But I knew the symptoms of this disease, so I turned on bright lights, stared right at it. no light sensitivity. I moved my neck a bunch to make sure it wasn't stiff. I did things that required concentration to ensure it wasn't this disease - no disorientation. I boshed 2 paracetomal and ibuprofen and had 2 bananas. Managed to sleep 40 mins later.

    This morning I have some gut rot as 2 bananas wasn't enough food to go with the ibuprofen. At least my neck isn't too bad this morning. My ear isn't sore to the touch any more. I think I needed the reassurance more than anything. It was 8 days since my last medical reassurance. Ach, health anxiety is a horrid experience. Knowing it's mostly due to stress doesn't help the "what if's" though. Being told the reality of a situation may help diffuse worries for a period of time, but eventually they worm their way back into my mind.

    Dizzy again today - the fun never stops. At least my 3 day weekend had minimal amounts of dizziness. As such, I'd suggest it's stress related due to being at work. I went out staffing and felt fine. Get back to work and it hits me again.

    Kristy's friends are now paying for the storage container as it's all the stuff they're having and none of ours is left. They're also paying us £200 next month for all the stuff we gave them. So this month won't be so financially troublesome.

    Gonna go home, do the olive oil drops in my ear, then go staffing. If the weather holds I'll try a new filming of my contact staffing as last nights constant focus issues on the phone camera was annoying to behold.

    Manager is still being pretty forgiving with mistakes I'm making. His tone has definitely changed. I'm glad he's being more understanding. It takes some of the stress and worry off.

    Skin on my face continues to get worse. back to blotchy, red and flaky. Back to picking at it. Not good. I notice when one or two things improve - other stuff falls by the wayside. It's similar at work. I focus on a few things and fall behind on others. Doing a few bits of multiple things doesn't sit right with me. Even if I force it, eventually I slip back into my old routine. A bit like CBT - initially helpful, and then I go back to my default mode.

    Fed the crow on the roof. Just saw it fly up to the opposite roof with bread in it's mouth. That gave me the biggest smile yet today. Maybe if I see more dog walkers when I go staffing I'll have a few more smiles yet.

    Still very caught up at work. It's not slipping yet which is good.


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