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Sigh.

I was kinda in bad mood this afternoon, because I walked so much in the main area of this uni this morning, tending to several matters inefficiently.

Then my husband called. Saying something I dont understand about what he doesn't like about the pair of glasses he just fetched this afternoon, and asking me to go with him to the glasses stall located in the uni's main area, ASAP. In my heart, I mumbled, "...sigh. Why don't he settled that when fetching the glasses. Now I need to go again? In short notice? Sigh. Why can't he settle this by his own? Why is he complaining about this small stuff?" Okay, maybe not that small.

Then in my heart, I thought again. He's a foreigner in this land. If this is his own country, he could've done it no problem by himself. Maybe I'm just too harsh. Maybe it's my fault too I just want an alpha male to lead me, instead of me handling everything.

Maybe I'm in bad mood because of thinking of the piles of papers I need to mark, that I hate. And how I need to bring all these heavy stuffs with my heavy laptop back to home, because I dont have the mood to complete the work this evening. Sigh, how I hate the need to do this thing during holiday. I might not do it, thus just inconveniencing myself bringing these heavy hateful piles here and there.

He waited long because I need to go to restroom & prepare something else first. So we went to the stall in my bad mood. He walked several steps ahead of me, didn't walk together with me. I hate this. Why do I need to go with him, if he's being like this.

He arrived at the stall, explaining nonsense to the stall workers. I want to settle this faster, so I explained to them instead about the glasses problem. When we go back, he told me that he felt like he was being made a fool by me. Huh, that's not my intention, but maybe it looks like it? If he was going to explain by himself, then no need to call me.

And he was irritated at the worker's laugh/giggle - which was not harmful at all, it was all friendly gestures. Why he needs to look at everything as like people are criticizing him? Nobody was criticizing him. Seems like aspies have this kind of problem. I know why - because of lack of self-esteem. I was irritated that he complained instead of thanking me. Okay, maybe I need to be more graceful when I interrupted him. I did wait till he finished his sentence. But I felt bad mood, I feel like it's better if I do the explaining in the beginning instead.

He told me that because of the stuttering, the word he wanted to say didn't come out, so that's why he went roundabout in the explanation, making it nonsense sentences. Oooh.. okay.

So he needs vast vocabulary to replace the words he can't utter. He was not a stuttering person in his mother tongue. So maybe this is because he lacks confidence and uncomfortable speaking in this second language and in foreign environment. This can be overcome with going to language classes, maybe. But he refuses.

Sigh.

He's a good person. It's not like I hate him. But these small things eat up my mood. So I just want to throw it away by writing. I hope he can solve his problems and I don't need to worry about him too much. Sometimes I think he takes too long to grow, but maybe I just need to be patient. Because I'm the same. People usually hates a person when they see their own weakness in that person.

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BlueSky Aozora
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