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Self struggles

I had a long talk with my uncle last night about issues that have been happening on the constant for as long as I have been alive. The biggest question is who I am as a person. I don't have an answer on any level for that. I somehow coasted through life not paying much attention to nearly anything with myself, let alone the world around me. Simple things like your favorite ice cream flavor, or favorite color are simple things. Anyone could answer that. Yet I struggle to find an answer. Landing on not even knowing that. I could guess maybe on some things. But I feel like I have disconnected on such a level that life isn't the only thing I seem lost with.

Yet I learned to read and write. I, however, have done nothing with it hardly.

Sure I have made an active effort to find out about some aspects of what's going on with me. But it's all medical stuff. I haven't used my literacy for much else. I have issues with recalling stuff taught in school. I could try to search for things to remedy that. I don't. As a matter of fact, I don't do anything unless told to. Like a little kid. Or a dog... or something like that. That's the worst part of this. I have no will of my own hardly. I rarely think of things on my own through the realm of common sense alot of times with things involving me interacting with the world in any capacity. People could talk about things that make sense to me, but applying any of that sense in how I function is an absolute zero.

I have tried to pay attention to myself. I have tried to pay attention to things around me. I can do it in some capacity with my surroundings. But paying attention to myself is the biggest struggle. As if I am trying to intentionally ignore my own problems and am running from the truth. Not just with possibly having aspergers/autism, but just me as a person.

While I know there is no quick fix for years of crap I have put myself through, I still feel like I am looking for a quick fix regardless. Like I need to find the solution now, instead of taking a bit at a time till a solution can be found.


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