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Rest is key

Woke up 5 times last night. Had an early night - in bed before 9. Me and Meg played some Trine 2 on co-op via Steam. It was fun. A real magical game. We called each other about half way through, as no voice chat made it a little tricky to know what the other was doing at times.

Anyway - waking up last night. I had a recurring dream. Something about a list of 10 or so points regarding Autism. Something about things I should be doing to try and appear normal. Thing is, I don't have recurring dreams, certainly not replaying every time I woke up during a night's sleep. First time I woke up, still feeling chesty and gassy. Was thirsty, so had some water. Second time I woke up - I'd pulled my neck. The muscles at the back of my head were in agony. Other 3 times I woke up - still the neck pain persisted.

Woke up, had breakfast and took x2 ibuprofen and x2 paracetomal. Went to the shop and got the paper. Had a smoke on the way back, but it was a small one. I wanted to get actually stoned, so I made a coffee when I got home and had another smoke in the garden. Went upstairs and read my autism book whilst listening to music. Then I decided to go to sleep again. Woke up twice, and in the end it was over 4 hours later. Total of 13 hours sleep. Not bad I guess? Clearly was needed. The dream before I woke up was quite intense. Meg had driven my van to Cornwall. Some place by the coast. The road at the end was offroad and sketchy. A bit just before the end was crumbly and broken and I thought we were going to end up in the sea.

We parked up, and there was a dog. I knew that it was my dog now, and I made a huge fuss of him, and he flopped over. When I got up I realised I was on my own and had to find people. I met Rohan - one of Meg's friends from Cornwall. He was with a "filly" as he'd say. They were in a music shop looking for a specific CD. I tried to help them find it. Each room of the music place was full. After a while I became nervous the dog (who wasn't on a lead) would go missing.

When I left the shop I tried ringing Meg. Paul was there briefly. Said he'd tried but her phone was off. My first 2 calls didn't connect. The third did, and Meg was in tears. She apologised, said she wasn't going to be there. She was at a friends house resting and told me to let her know when her flight was on Wednesday. I've no idea what day it was in the dream, but I knew it meant I'd be on my own for days. I got a bit riled up, said it wasn't fair. That I was going to be left on my own in a strange place and I don't know what to do. I felt guilty that I was getting upset with her, when she was clearly exhausted and upset as well. I guess my abandonment issues were kicking into play as usual. Then I woke up.

Messaged my friend on WhatsApp regarding the work dismissal. He needed a bit more info, so I've requested that from HR. Reached out to a few people yesterday, but a bunch didn't reply. Some did, but my God it was difficult maintaining a conversation. Huge delays in replies. Guy messaged me at 6:20 this morning. Said "morning" I said "Tis" and he asked me what that meant. Then said you learn something new every day. It's day 2 of my time off, even though the therapist is near Guy's - I still want and need more "me time" before I consider visiting him. Still not there yet.

Got just over 3 hours until therapy. It's at 16:30. I think I might go on a walk. Drive to Aldreth then walk down to the river, then to the woods, then loop back round the farm track to where I parked my car. Probably about 3 miles I reckon, maybe more.

Meg replied to my message this morning and said we'd catch up this evening. Was nice to hear. I haven't been as hard on myself about it all today. Mind you I've spent most of today asleep. Part of me pondered how with her and Paul it was on and off again for a while. My brain held out hope maybe that'd happen here. But then I asked myself if that'd be a good thing. Doesn't seem like it'd be healthy. People don't change that quickly, and if I keep holding out hope of that nature - it'd make things harder long term. Besides, is it even what I want? Relationships always make me feel a certain degree of trapped. I invest a lot of time, effort and my self-worth into who I'm dating. When I'm single, I feel free. This time was no different.

In fact, because of how much more active Meg was in her free time compared to others I dated - I really did put myself at her beck and call. I'd adapt and be ready to do whatever she asked of me. Codependency - plus how we clicked and how much I liked her meant I guess that was bound to be the case, because I still haven't dealt with whatever it is that fuels the anxiety and worry in relationships. So no - an on/off situation would be bad for both of us. Of course it wouldn't be healthy, all I'm doing is another unnecessary and unhelpful comparison. If Meg was on and off with Paul and not me, my brain assumed it meant I was worse than Paul. Unhelpful cognitive distortions.

The main worry is when she moves on. Can't predict when it'd be. I just hope I'm in a headspace where I'm happy for her, and one where it doesn't cause a sudden sinking feeling inside and fill me with dread and self-loathing. Of course, the other thing is not knowing. Being comfortable with the unknown. She said dating me helped her realise she wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship, and how we tried and failed at a friends with benefits scenario, makes me think perhaps it'll be quite some time before I have to cross that hurdle. Of course I want to see Meg happy - my brain is just scanning for potential stressors and worries.

Being friends with Meg means we'll see each other less, especially once her van is finished. Plus, it goes without saying that whenever she does move on, that'll naturally mean I see her less too, because she'd spend more free time with whoever that person will be. Hmm, at least I didn't feel too much like I was waiting on her to reply today. The discomfort of waiting for replies has reduced considerably. Mind you, Meg said she felt we still have a lot to teach one another, and I agree that it will be easier in the long run just being friends. It's undeniable that we get on very well with each other. So, whilst the intimate relationship ended - our friendship will continue to grow and develop, and that is a beautiful and precious thing.

Hmm the longer I'm awake (about 30 mins now) I find that feeling down and lonely is starting to build up. It's all understandable though - it will take time for things to settle down and to adjust.

Little nervous how my therapist will react to how things went in the relationship. My codependency, anxiety and my overreactions to things like Meg not having time to reply much, and how it made me spiral daily. Iunno. She didn't want me to end weekly sessions with her, so I think it's clear she felt there was a lot more work to be done. I do think I need to find a new therapist though. I'm still not convinced by her, and she downplays my ADHD and desire to get diagnosed for Autism. She focuses heavily on Jungian beliefs, trauma and that same blooming visualisation exercise. Ah well. Benis.

Focus for therapy needs to be advice I think. Both to get perspective on me and Meg, the job, but also me going forwards. Learning to feel happier in myself. How to stop feeling so lonely, especially when it seems to keep me going back to Guy, Jack and Marcus - people who drain me. People who aren't a good fit. Meeting Meg made me realise that too. It made me realise what is actually a good fit for me in terms of people to socialise with. Meg and I get on very well, but I'm most comfortable in situations where it's 1 to 1 conversation. Much more than that and I will struggle. When dating Meg we did and saw a lot. The social side was more in a short space of time than is manageable or workable for me. Much like when I dated KT - she too was a free spirit with a hippy soul. In the month I dated her, we spent all our free time out and about. Meeting friends, going on adventures, going to illegal raves and on road trips. I couldn't keep up, and again - when I ended it, I felt such a sense of relief.

I should probably get going to Aldreth now, as I have less than 2 hours before I need to head off to see my therapist, and I also need to take a shower before I leave. Self care has been - well, eating hasn't been good. Brushing my teeth has been better and showers have been a few times a week, so not great or terrible. I tidied up my room a bit, although I still need to do more and laundry. But it will come. I said to myself yesterday that a few days where I do less isn't a bad thing. But, as I and Meg said - it's ok not doing much, so long as you don't end up stagnating or wallowing etc.

It has been quite a while since I've coloured in any of my latest A2 drawing. Or done any new drawing in general to be honest. It will come when it will come. Speaking of, and not meaning to be rude - but. I know now that I need to stay single for a good long while. Might end up being years at this rate. You adjust and acclimate to going without sex. But it's tricky initially. Still, I'm too clingy and co-dependent to ever be able to manage a friends with benefits situation.

Part of me has wondered before, if I were to have more confidence, would it be a bad thing? I noticed in Cambridge, and most times I go out - that a lot of women check me out and their faces light up, and some look downright flustered and awkward. If I had more confidence, what would that mean? I think I could be a successful manwhore, but what on earth would that accomplish? I think it'd be a very hollow existence, and a far cry from who I am as a person. Perhaps there's just a side of me that wants to get lost in something. I'd hoped I could disract with work after the breakup, but that was taken away. In reality I need to become better at not doing. Strike a balance between getting rest, and doing things that are positive for me. Like exercising a sensible amount, sleeping enough, reading more. I know diet and self-care are in there too, but that's been a lifelong struggle. Rest is key though. Rest is the focus right now.

Ed

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