It's one at a time in the kitchen at work, but I see managers breaking this rule. It's management who implemented these rules, and yet they're happy to break them? With this restriction in place you'd assume people would make their drinks with a sense of urgency. Instead I find I'm often stood waiting for prolonged periods of time. Often people have seen me waiting, but continue at their slow pace. Not even a "thanks" when they leave. People walking around without masks on too, or lowering them below their mouths to talk. Common sense is not that common is it?
Kristy often stated that "people don't think like you do". I imagine most people would ask if the person was nearly done, in that passive aggressive way they seem to. Instead, I wait in silence for 2-4 minutes whilst someone takes too long to make a drink. I can make a hot drink in 30 seconds. Why does it take people as long as it does? Why do so few people say "thank you" or "sorry". I suppose it's just differences you have to adjust to. Instead I just stick it on the pile of my other mouldering resentments.
Got back form lunch and I heard someone coming down the stairs, so I wait at the bottom until they get down. They don't speed up when they notice me and they don't thank me once they're done. Then I wait 5 minutes outside the kitchen for someone to make a drink and eat a cake. All the while I'm sat in silence, slowly growing angrier.
I ended up making my sandwich rather loudly, as I was fed up. Can't express myself with words it seems, so I started slamming things. Real mature Ed.
I made my sandwich in about 45 seconds, go to leave and the same person who's just been in the kitchen is walking down the wrong side of the one way floor system they put down in the office a year ago. You're literally walking in the opposite way to giant arrows painted across the carpets, you utter berk. All the while, doing this with his over the top swagger in his walk.
I know we have to keep it PG-13 on these forums, so I won't say what I really felt about these situations. It's quite clear I've got anger issues, but they're silent, and nobody is any the wiser (except the people unfortunate enough to read these rants). Also, why the hell do women put smilies in their emails as well? This isn't Messenger, act your bloody age and with a degree of professionalism.
"People don't think like you do"
Honestly, I'm sure they don't, but it doesn't make things easy. I don't feel like I fit in, which I know is common with autism, as is frustration and issues with emotional regulation. So is that it? I just have to sit on this vast amount of discomfort and anger, feeling like a dormant volcano that's about to catastrophically erupt?
All of the above should be minor grievances at best, it shouldn't make me want to punch people or shout the "c" word at them. I put a lid on all this inner discontent and I'm like a saucepan that's boiling over. There's times where I just can't bottle it up - and that's when the body and movements become visibly irritated. But I never say anything - I never stand up for myself. It's toxic behaviour really. I'm sure I am blowing things out of proportion, but that doesn't negate how much frustration I feel in those moments.
Another reason I probably don't speak up is because I'm not a fighter, and if anything came of me venting - I couldn't back it up if things got heated. Not that things would get that heated in an office environment. Even though being made to wait for so long made me want to smack him with something.
I spent my lunchbreak in the car, listening to an audiobook. I tried drawing - as I haven't in a year. Nothing came. I forced it, and just doodled a bunch of crap which didn't make me feel good. I just felt awkward and untalented. Can't really force being inspired to draw though. In recent years I've been a lot happier to write rather than draw. It is frustrating when you want to do something that you're more than capable of, and nothing fruitful comes of it. Keep at it I suppose.
Started work early today. I miss getting in first, turning on the lights in a dark office, and spending an hour at work without anyone else in the office. Didn't really speak much with my colleagues today. I guess I'm not in the mood. Asides from saying "hello" and replying to any queries they might have, I've just been working solid and in silence.
I'm getting a lot more caught up now that I'm back in the office. I need to get a lot done as it's only a 2 day week for me. When I get back on Tuesday I'll have a hell of a lot to catch up on. 6 day weekend should be nice, I say should be - during recent holidays I tend to find my mood plummets towards the end. With the plasterer costs, I'll have no money to go anywhere or do anything. So I guess I'll just have to keep myself busy in other ways.
No staffing today. Painting when I get home and then moving stuff. I'll be tired and fed up after that. So I'll have a long shower and then read before I have an early night. I'm hoping to get a lot done tonight so that tomorrow I don't have a great deal to do before the plasterers arrive.
I'm hoping for a productive evening. Then again, I've been working like a blue arse fly since I've been in the office today. Most likely I'll burn out, and then, by the time I get home, I'll do the minimal amount, get fed up and then hate myself on Tuesday for being lazy the day before. Classic Ed.
I'll just have to do my best, it's all I can do. I try to calm myself down when I get riled up, remind myself that perhaps people don't mean to act in a lazy or inconsiderate manner, or perhaps they're just stupid. Yeah, the logic tends to go full circle and back round to anger. A friend of mine recommended I try martial arts because I could get praise for hitting people. In reality though, I prefer doing exercise alone, and not having it include violence. Keep the violence to video games only.
I'm reminded of what my therapist said about masking - and how exhausting it is. How I can't be myself in the office. As soon as I leave, the days frustrations are usually dropped as soon as I log off. When I'm home I tend to feel relieved and energised etc. But 9 hours a day, 5 days a week I have to pretend to be something I'm not. Tbh, even when I'm staffing or outside in general I'm rarely being my true self. I hide the playfulness, the energy and the excitement.
It's only when I'm home and on my own that I'm being true to myself. This is probably why I get triggered so easily, I'm worn out and fed up, and these "little things" that keep occurring around me are just other things I need to bottle up so that I seem normal.
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