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Paintball, seagulls and a Discord ranter

By Raggamuffin · Jun 1, 2021 ·
  1. I went paintballing on the weekend with a friend. It was a good time, and I did quite well on several games. The weather was very warm, and during the break between my first and second game I was a little worried if my body could go the distance. During the games your heart is racing and at times it felt like I could easily let the sensations spill into panic. Thankfully I didn't, and I enjoyed it for what it was - a good time.

    The day after I could barely walk - all the sprinting up and down steep inclines, and the diving and sliding for cover etc. did a real number on my leg muscles. The entire front of my thighs was red raw, as were some of the muscles in my buttocks. Things have only noticeably improved today - 3 days after we had done.

    After paintball we went to get some food, and on the Sunday I went staffing in the park early morning and we met up for a coffee and chatted for a few hours. It was nice to socialise - we're arranging to go paintballing again in early July.

    I began drinking more water and cutting down on the sugary foods because I think it was contributing to my recent stomach aches. Mind you, I still believe most of this is stress related, what with the break up, giving up our cat, selling the house and weeks spent getting the house ready - in nearly 2 months there hasn't been a great deal of down time. But now I'm settled into a new routine.

    Smoked more than I had hoped. Felt less anxious than I did during my first time. Also noticed a rather strange pattern in an increase in showers and brushing my teeth. Seems like it was ramping up my focus on self care - perhaps due to guilt from smoking again. Music and gaming enjoyment continues to be noticeably improved after a smoke. Staffing felt interesting - I will continue to monitor that one.

    Caught the sun a little on the top of my forehead and crown of my head. Not as burnt as some people I've seen recently. With the "nice" weather you see a lot of sunburnt Brits, most continuing to be outside when they're lobster red. I've never been a huge fan of summer - due to the crowds, how people dress, and how uncomfortable I feel when it's too hot.

    I continue to feel happy doing overtime after this 3% pay rise. I woke up early and decided to go into work a few hours early. I felt fine when I got into work - my spirits were up, and I was looking forward to only working a 4 day weekend. As soon as I saw those fledgling seagulls on the roof, I went from positivity to feeling lost amongst anxiety and dread.

    What changed? I began the day feeling like I was in control - I knew what I had to get done at work, and was getting a lot done. I had got into the office nearly 2 hours early to make a good head start, so I felt even more in control than usual.

    Seeing those fledglings suddenly made me feel like I had no control. As per last year, they sat very close to the edge of the roof, which is a 2 storey drop. The weather is very hot the next few days - the heat and the potential for them to fall off the roof was difficult for me to rationalise.

    Logical thinking doesn't really take the sting out of my emotions, as this is all very new - with it happening less than 90 minutes ago. I'm no stranger to this sort of situation - worrying most about situations where I have the least amount of control. Feeling out of control can quickly lead emotions to spiral. Then, there's the obvious - it reminds me of last year when I saw a fledgling try to take flight and it fell off the roof and I had to rush it to the vet.

    If I could relinquish my emotions and hand things over to logic - I would tell myself to stop worrying about situations that are out of my control. Birds look after their young tentatively - and all things considered, they should be fine. There's also the fact that we're moving office this year - as such, even if last year's events should happen again - it's probably the last time I'd witness such a tragedy.

    The realisation that these fledglings are extremely young leaves me with the notion that it'll be months before they're ready to fly. Part of me doesn't dare to look out the window any more - because I will worry.

    Me and a few guys from my Discord group are going to hold a smaller, private voice chat tonight. Mainly because of one guy on our group who is very vocal and negative throughout our voice chats. He constantly complains about trivial matters and it becomes quite grating. He's on voice chat every day when others are on - and within minutes he begins to rant about things. It's got to a point where 2 people have started to comment on what he says, trying to explain (allbeit comically) that there's no reason to get upset over what he's letting get to him. It's usually about in game mechanics and things that he can't really change.

    So 3 of us are going to do a personal call via Discord tonight, so we can play and enjoy the game without the constant background negativity. For some reason, his girlfriend is always in the room and she talks even louder than him. Strange that a microphone that's closer to him would pick up his partner's voice louder than his.

    I feel guilty because I know he's not a bad guy - but at the same time, I can't stomach his constant complaining. The game we play is a relaxing game, and whilst everyone will occasionally have a frustrating moment, and vent - this guy will do it constantly. Easily averaging 10+ rants an hour.

    The whole situation has reminded me of a real positive I have at work - which is that on our team there isn't anyone like that. Sure there's other people in nearby teams who are that way inclined - and I hate it, energetically. It eventually gets to a point where anything these people say, or even the mere sight of them makes me furious. Shame there's that element in my Discord channel - and it's leading me to avoidance behaviour to rectify it.

    I suppose it'd be impossible to remove all negativity from life. You couldn't just live in a constant positive state of mind. I think this is one of the pitfalls with the internet - it allows people to filter what they see to fall in line with what they agree with. In some ways I think it's made people rather brittle when it comes to differences of opinion or receiving and processing critcism.


    About Author

    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.


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