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No

Been posting about work struggles in detail on my Facebook art page. Tuesday evening Guy messages me asking how work is. Made me feel unseen again. He follows my art page he can see how work is, and I didn't feel like repeating myself. So I just said exhausted. He said let's meet Thursday or on the weekend. He does this repeatedly, I tell him how worn out I am and he says we should meet. I've told him time and again socialising wears me out. Stop F'ing asking me you c. Harsh? Prolonged mental health struggles do lead to reduced tolerance, and anger and seeming snappy. Mind you, this autism book I'm reading has so many examples of people being chastised for being standoffish or snappy. But when you mask all day to try and blend in and not seem so intense. There's a well of energy and frustration with in.

Finally, I spoke my truth and outright say no to his suggestion i socialise when i keep telling him it exhausts me. Even when i do socualise with him, his barrage of monologue is more exhausting than normal conversation and I feel unseen.

I told him once again that socialising takes from me each and every time. And that I'm not going to do anything social for the foreseeable. Personally I think I might be a shut in outside of seeing Meg on weekends. Not that I'm not already basically a shut in anyway. But this burnout is getting worse and I'm scared.

I told Meg my plan to not see Guy, Marcus, Jack or Jared due to overwhelm and fatigue but she didn't reply to it in the conversation. Which made me assume she didn't think it was a good idea. As during the rest of the conversation she was quite vocal in agreement to various things I was focusing on doing.

On the drive to work on Wednesday morning the Guy and Meg fear hit me again. Hit me hard. Kept trying to be logical, say it was just anxiety. Telling myself it's a fiction and nothing but worries. But it made so worried it felt so intense. Overwhelmingly so. Horrid start to the day.

Got to work and the room was empty. In fact, of the 5 people who started the same time as me, 3 turned up late including our boss. Frustration. Arriving late isn't good.

Was given nothing to do, so I sat reading a giant government compliance document for 90 mins. So tired, so bored. Saw the other 2 new people doing work as soon as they were in. Continued to feel left out.

A woman put on the radio as soon as she got in, and it's right next to me. I'd hoped for peace and quiet for at least an hour until the office was full. Nope, 2 minutes into my shift and loud pop music and overly enthusiastic radio DJ's were blasting away. More fatigue, more tension. Put my headphones on, it was no use. The radio was too loud. More fatigue, more tension.

On lunch I sat on a picnic bench outside. No word from Meg. Nobody taking lunch at the same time as me. Outside of work talk I have nothing. I hear people chatting with each other throughout the day and I've got nothing. Loneliness was profound and ugly. Tried reading but struggled to process anything. Ate my lunch. Overpriced pasta with a tiny fork. Too small to eat how I wanted to. More fatigue - more frustration (F&F). Put on my headphones when a woman joined a guy sat on a table next to me. The headphones and volume didn't drown them out though. I couldn't have the music too loud as noise sensitivity is bad with the burnout. So their talking pierced the music and noise cancellation and added to the F&F.

In the end I hid my head my hands and spent my lunch break trying to calm down. I wanted to cry. But I couldn't bring myself to bring anymore attention to myself than how I looked probably already did. Woman in HR emailed me yesterday asking how my first day was. If only I had the balls to speak my truth.

In the afternoon they gave me a process to do and said the backlog was over 800. My need to impress made me feel obligated to try and get that list clear ASAP. Unhealthy. I was attaching my self-worth to proving myself to these strangers. Sat for an hour listening to training on processes that weren't for my role. Did the same in the morning too. Seems everyone is doing multiple departments jobs, and on day 2 they are already training me up to do the same. Trying hard to listen, process and understand. But it's a struggle at best, let alone during this period. More F&F. I'm done.

Got home, had a panic attack. Had the worst chest pain and palps I've had in a very long time. It lasted hours.

From just before 7am for 8 hours hadn't heard from Meg. We messaged in the evening and she apologised for poor responding etc. I wasn't in the place to mask and told her to please stop apologising if it wasn't going to improve, otherwise the apologies would become grating.

She said I was harsh but fair. I told her that her putting up boundaries and not having the time, patience or energy to help me (as she'd put it before) was probably to help her recharge and not get hurt. But I told her that its draining and hurting me.

We talked some. This overwhelm and burnout - she's well aware of it. She feels sorry for me, and said its rubbish she's putting up boundaries when I'm clear struggling.

Then she said BRB - and 40 minutes pass. I can't keep waiting. She came back, said she has to make food for someone who turned up late, and bake another cake to go with the brownies she baked before. More helping others. I get it, she's a kind person and a people pleaser. But I reached out to her, dropped the mask and then she disappears again.

I go afterwards. I'm exhausted and BRB doesn't mean 40 minutes in head. I reply as quickly as I can to instant messages from people. Yet most of my friends take hours, days, some take weeks or months to reply. Years of this. Years of feeling unseen. Years of doubting I have many true friends. Common courtesy is replying. Surely? Am I wrong here? Am I taking this too personally? I hate it. I absolutely f'ing hate it.

I was fed up and fatigued at this point. Went to sleep and turned off my internet as I didn't want more replies that'd probably trigger me to respond and then wait. Or whatever.

Woke up at 1.50 stomach was very angry. Couldn't sleep for an hour. Stomach issues have been bad of late. All this stress. At work I'm going number 2 5+ times a day. It's abnormal. Stress ontop of stress.

Wake up this morning and the exhaustion is even worse. Can't think properly, when will I catch a break? I'm scared how tired and exhausted I am. This isn't normal. But I've only just started this job. I can't be signed off sick already.

Normally I walk fast - I bound up and down the house and pavements with a big stride and energy. This morning I shuffled to the shop and kept scuffing the floor and tripping over my feet. The hell is happening. This is escalating.

Coordination isn't good. Head is in a fog. Noticed visual distortions last night during my panic attacks. Derealisation is moving in too. Stress levels so high that reality doesn't seem real.

No messages from Meg this morning. I guess she stayed up way too late working on this dinner and baking. People pleasing. She goes above and beyond for friends and colleagues. She's purposefully keeping boundaries from me. How am I not supposed to take that personally? How am I not going to allow the inner critic to turn that into a statement of fact that my mental health problems are pushing her away. Unreciprocated love. It's a humbling feeling.

It just felt so s*** last night as I reached out to Meg, said I needed help. But she got distracted helping others. I chalked it up again to her boundaries with me.

Last night when I left work a recurring thing happened. I said goodbye to the office and was met with silence. A minute before I'd left another guy had said goodbye to everyone and 3+ people loudly retort. More feeling unheard.

I'm fed up with constantly feeling unseen, unheard and undervalued.

Meg is out tonight on a birthday work outing. That plus no conversation this morning. And next to none usually during the working hours. Means that the day after I opened up about asking her to feel more present. Today she's likely to be even more distant

I'm so worn out. Tomorrow is Friday. But I know how short weekends feel when you're working on Monday. I'm so tired, I feel sick. The loneliness is crushing.

A friend told me last night its just a phase and I'll be fine. I don't like this. She knows I've been suffering for years. Just a phase? Go f yourself, seriously.

Last night Meg said "You're fine, you're good"

After all my opening up and my struggles with burnout and my panic attacks that evening...and she tells me "I'm fine? I'm good?"

No.

Knowing me I probably misinterpreted something. I do it a lot, especially when my brain is frazzled.

EDIT - get to work and Meg sent a message before she was off again. I feel down, and get into the office. Nobody says good morning to me when I enter. A few minutes later another guy walks in and is met with multiple good mornings, same with every other person who subsequently enters. Continue to feel unseen. I really can't go on like this. I really f'ing can't.

Speak with IT about an issue I have. When he begins to start looking at my problem, someone else pipes up and asks a question. He goes over to them. Fixed their issue walks right past me and says "bye everyone"

I don't have the courage to speak out to say he has forgotten about me. More feeling unseen. You could easily rationalise and say it was an innocent mistake and I should've spoken up. Yeah, you could rationalise all of this. Doesn't de-escalate any of it though. Exhaustion builds, struggling to cope.

I really want this mounting stress and depression to stop. Me and Meg have made no plans for the weekend other than a potential duvet day on Sunday. No idea what else lies in store. She admitted the other day that she needs some R&R and to switch off from doing too. Then again, she didn't do any woodwork on her cabinets last weekend. So I imagine I wonder if I will see her much this weekend. Other than that, well - the weekend will fly by no doubt. Other than seeing Meg wherever possible, I want to retreat into my shell. Yet being on my own obviously just reinforces loneliness, but being around people other than Meg tends to drain. So I can't win.

My guess is Friday will be short if I see Meg. She'll be exhausted, possibly distant. A few hours then bed. Saturday will be an early start for her, keeping busy. Probably see her in the evening. Sunday will be the morning and then she'll probably be getting ready and heading back to Oxford again in the afternoon. Hence why I asked her yesterday if we could try and talk more during weekdays. But who knows.

Feel so tired that I feel ill.

I think time has become a hyper-fixation for me. Unhelpful, but there we go. Manager messages me - be with you in one minute. Waiting waiting waiting. Nothing.

Unseen, unheard.

Ed

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Raggamuffin
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