I'm sure none of us like getting messed around by people. It feels especially difficult when you don't stand up for yourself. Anyway, I'm going to start a new routine of having a song to go with my entries:
On Wednesday the plasterer cancelled last minute because he had to pick up his dad from hospital. On Thursday he came round for 2 hours to remove old plaster and prep the ceilings. On Friday he came over and after 5 minutes he told me the adhesive hadn't dried yet, and he'd do the work on Sunday.
Now he's just text me saying he can't do Sunday but can get it all done on Monday. Thing is, this was originally a 3 day job, now apparently he can get it done in 1 day? He didn't even put the adhesive on the bathroom ceiling, so he won't be able to get it all done in one day. I'm going to do my best to negotiate the final price with him, because he's taken the piss from beginning to end, and I'm fed up with it.
I've yet to have a positive experience with any sort of DIY and building work. When I do it myself, it's often not to a standard I'd like, and when I've relied on other people to do work around the house - it's never been a good quality and their time keeping has always been terrible. What irks me the most is that these guys earn 3 times more money than I do, and yet they seem to have no issue with shoddy work or horrendous timekeeping.
The plasterer also damaged some white artex on 2 of the ceilings and that stuff contains asbestos. As soon as he left on Thursday morning I put on a mask and washed the floors, the walls and everywhere else several times. Thankfully the asbestos content in artex is very low and it's white artex which is the least dangerous of them all. Still, I was annoyed that he'd been so reckless.
When he text me this morning to cancel again and claiming it could be done in a day, I replied saying he hadn't prepped the bathroom ceiling and I wasn't sure if it could all be done in one day - this is about as confrontational as I can get. I'd told a friend about the situation and he was getting frustrated with me that I wasn't sticking up for myself and having a go at this builder. To be honest, I've had that a lot in life - being told off for not standing up for myself, but it doesn't help; it just makes me want to retreat further into myself.
The plasterer just text me back now saying "I will be applying background material to the bathroom Ed. it will be done Monday no worries."
"No worries" - Oh if only it was that simple; it never feels that way though. Then again, I know I'm the one who tends to overcomplicate things with the way I think. Even a simple situation will be pulled apart and analysed in my mind. I know that people are inherantly good natured, and yet I've encountered so many situations where people just take the piss, and I can't help but feel like this is why I avoid so much in life; to avoid the anxiety and the stress involved with what socialising entails.
My knuckle still hasn't healed. Everytime I staff it seems to flare up. Then, the next morning when I wake up, it feels a little better. But you need to grip stuff on a daily basis, and almost every time I do grip something, it starts to flare up. I'm being stubborn though, as I don't want to stop staffing. It's the only exercise I get, and it gets me out of the house and getting some sunlight and fresh air. So I just put a brave face on it. I've been staffing 2-3 hours every day since my time off.
The past 2 days I've been going to the main park in town. It's a 15 minute walk and is a lot bigger than my local park. In recent weeks I'm staffing a lot closer to the footpaths. I think it's because of how lonely I've been feeling in recent months. When I'm near to people I can hear them talk, or comment to one another about my staffing. Occasionally someone will speak to me in passing. In truth, all I get these days is a passing "hello" or a short moment of conversation. At least there's some form of connection with people.
Going to the park I see so many groups of people enjoying themselves. Friends - that'd be nice. It still feels grim to know that I have no friends in this town. When I moved back to my parents I know that very few of the old group I know still lives there. Most have moved on, and those that remain have settled down into that stereotypical mould of marriage, family and kids etc.
Here's some interesting food for thought - left handed people, lonely people, anxious people, depressed people and autistic people all have significantly shorter life expectancies. The fact I have all of the above means that at 34 I think I'm probably in the midst of a mid life crisis. Now, you could easily argue that this is a ridiculous idea - but in all honesty, I've felt old since my early 20's - when the 24/7 aches, pains and symptoms of an anxiety disorder took hold and didn't let go until I was in my 30's. I've experienced a horrid pattern of my closest friends moving abroad, and now I'm feeling incredibly lonely and the 16+ years stuck in jobs I hate is just making me wish something would work out for me.
Suicidal ideation has been very strong recently. I'm feeling increasingly alone as I see lockdown restrictions lifted, and people making the most of it. I don't have people to "make the most of it" with. So I can't be a part of this happiness people are experiencing. Kristy is on holiday now and going out to two different places in the UK at the moment. On her birthday she's out for birthday drinks and she's making the most of her time off. I've tried going out with her friends before, but all they talk about is the pub they used to work at and they drink alcohol and smoke etc. Nothing I can relate to there, and not drinking whilst socialising with people in a pub feels like needless torture.
I was talking to a guy at work earlier in the week as he does motorcycle training on the weekends when he's not in the office. I said I might take him up on lessons so that I could get a full bike license. I said that when I had a 125cc when I was 21, I thought it would be a bad idea to get a full size bike license, as I'm rather wreckless when I own a fast vehicle. He assured me that you ride a lot more sensibly on a motorbike due to how exposed and dangerous they are. I'm not sure if I'd be like that though - I feel like I have more in common with those guys you see riding a bike like an absolute lunatic - the kind of people who fly past and people exclaim "they're going to kill themselves" - good. Mixed with this suicidal ideation, maybe a motorbike would be the way to go - as in, a "fun whilst it lasted" experience before I got myself killed using it. After the years spent abusing substances, would getting a motorbike be any less self destructive? Possibly not. I just need some form of fun in my life, and usually I find I'm drawn towards things that are reckless.
Cravings for everything I quit continue to wreak havoc with my mind. It's been nonstop with cravings for weed and alcohol and bad food since the break up and they haven't decreased at all. It feels like those early weeks after I quit weed and booze, but it's been a year and a half. This past month and a half is comprised of daily bombardments of cravings. I guess, whilst I quit mainly for myself, I know that Kristy was judging and guilting me a lot about my substance abuse, and now that we're not together, that inner self-destructive voice is constantly saying "do it, do it, do it" all bloody day long. This sobriety was supposed to help, and get easier with the cravings, but it hasn't - I feel worse. I can't stand my job, having no friends and feeling like I'm going nowhere in life. Dealing with all that in a sober state of mind is now feeling like too much. But if I relapsed, I'd feel like an even bigger failure. Being sober doesn't feel like a success though, it just feels like torture, with no end in sight.
I am so God damn exhausted with everything. I live out my daily routines, and soon, when we've sold the house I'm going to be living out those routines without Kristy. Whilst our relationship wasn't making us happy - we do get on really well and make each other laugh a lot. But I'll be moving away and losing yet another friend. I know people could argue that it doesn't mean a friendship is over, but when a routine is changed, maintaining a long distance friendship isn't practical. It always fizzles out eventually.
I guess the loneliness is why I jumped from one relationship to the next. Whilst the freedom of being single has it's perks - that seems like it would be more fruitful for a person who has a large network of friends. I don't have that, which is why I was instinctively drawn towards anyone who showed interest in me.
It's clear a lot of my misery is coming from comparing myself to other people - seeing people with better jobs, more money, more friends or a bigger social life etc. It doesn't deter the fact that I'm really struggling, and I don't know what to do at this point. The energy to keep up the resistance and the fight to not give up is dwindling.
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