What i am about to say might be really mean and negative but i genuinely feel like this now so:
I wish i never met either of you. I wish i never became friends with you, i wish you both stayed as colleagues. I never want to see either of you again.
The fact that these people have all this luck in the world and me who have always devoted herself to her studies have little to no experience due to my issues with ocd, autism, anxiety and depression is really making me hate this world. I know there are lot of people in this world that don't deserve the bad things they go through. I know that some things are determined by birth.
But if you two can be happy why don't i have the right when i worked so hard for it. I even work so hard for it at home. I am studying every day so i can catch up to those people in their 20s who already have their own business.
I feel like a developmentally disabled emotional ly immature person everyday when i see people who have their own business es and married etc. But even my psychiatrist doesn't out right say that i have autism because she doesn't like "labels" She doesn't say that i can take it easy.
I have done so much all this time, it was so hard to get used to the job. It was so hard to try to act like i am normal. But i can't even give myself a break, apparently. Because no one else is saying to me i will tell myself this, just like i have always done in the past. I have the right to exist just because i am alive. It is not my fault that i can't take some risks, because i am scared of the results.while those other people were living their lives i was struggling just to survive. I survived. I stopped hating my dad and myself. I now have a good relationship with my dad. I no longer hate myself for my strange ness. And even if no one else will tell me this i believe my life will be meaning ful even in my own little world. Because if this is not correct all the catatonic, elderly, heavily disabled people lead meaning less lives.
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