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My Head's Swimming - I'm Drowning

By Raggamuffin · May 10, 2021 · ·
  1. I’m nervous about selling the house. I called the estate agent and they’re visiting Saturday. Scared the house won’t be good enough, that they’ll judge. Scared there’s too much to do, that I can’t get the painting and gardening done in time. Worried about my bike test too – convinced I’ll get anxious and mess up. Realitically I know these things are examples of catastrophic thinking, and that the reality of these situations won’t be as bad as I assumed.

    I’m dizzy – I get this way when I’m nervous. It’s bad at the moment, so bad I feel like I could pass out. I’m trying to eat my second sandwich, and drink more water. The strong lights at work and the open plan, noisy background doesn’t help when I feel like this. I made several noticeable misatakes this morning which my manager picked up on. His constant critcism doesn’t help me feeling competent either.

    In the past I had dizziness lasting weeks at a time. Because I don’t get symptoms as regularly, or intensely any more – when things do hit me hard, I’m a little more uneasy about them as I used to be when I was more seasoned and used to such issues. Part of me wanted to run away – tell my manager I was sick and go home. Problem is, when I used to go home all the time due to anxiety symptoms, I felt belittled and like a failure. In recent years I weather the storm and get through the other side, often feeling fatigued and out of sorts.

    Neck tension has been bad in recent days too. A GP told me many years ago that anxiety and neck tension can both cause dizziness – so at times when both are apparent, I feel really off kilter. The fact I’ve eaten and drunk enough makes me think it’s anxiety. Had to poop 3 times today too – classic symptoms of stress. It’s not as bad as when Kristy broke up with me, but it’s clear my body is reacting to current events and uncertainty. I think keeping busy over the coming evenings will help settle my nerves.

    130 minutes of work left. Then home and painting the ceiling. Kristy is back to work today instead of tomorrow. Hopefully balancing on a step ladder and painting the ceiling will be ok with my balance and dizziness. I’ll just have to take my time and remind myself that whilst it might be unpleasant – it should only require 2 coats of paint and all 3 rooms are small. All being well the entire time it takes to paint should be no more than 2 hours.

    I chatted with my parents on my lunch break as I was excited to tell them the news about putting the house on the market. The estate agent will get a set of keys, as we want them to be able to do viewings at any time. They told me that houses are selling extremely quickly at the moment, and are selling for a good price. Perhaps reaching the final steps is also what unnerves me. Kristy and I have always had a good rapport, and whilst our relationship as partners might not have made us happy, I think that when we both live alone, there might be a sense of regret or loneliness.

    I also spoke at length with my dad about getting a motorbike again. He’s obviously concerned, especially with how busy roads are these days, and how oblivious some drivers can be to motorbike. I assured him that I’m a very sensible driver, always driving at a sensible speed, leaving plenty of space between myself and other cars etc. Also, I think I’d be a fair weather rider, and walk to work from my flat on cold or wet days. Whilst being sensible on a bike can’t guarantee not having an accident – I know how cautious I was when I owned I bike before. I treated it like a car, and only ever overtook tractors on the road. I never filtered when there were traffic lights or jams etc. I was so cautious that even close calls weren’t anywhere near as close as they could’ve been.

    I think I will start flat hunting as soon as I moved back to my parents. Theres currently some nice places on the market. Realistically I can’t begin looking until we have the date of closing and exchange of contracts confirmed. If the house sells quickly, I could be in my new place before the end of this year. Maybe even in autumn/fall.

    I should have some time to jump on Phantasy Star Universe tonight as well. Hopefully hunt some more rare loot. I managed to grind that very rare weapon I found on Saturday. It’s a way to improve the stats of a weapon up to 10 times. The chance of 10/10 is around 2% and when it fails, it goes back to 0/10. Each grind chance lowers with each successful level. I was on voice chat with my friend at the time and I had him in hysterics with my sarcasm and shouting when it failed and then my screams of joy when, for the first time in the history of that game (5+ years) I managed to 10/10 an S rank weapon. It only took over 100 grinders to achieve. He ground the same weapon (that I gifted him) and it took him over 200 grinders.

    I’m glad some of the guys there are looking out for me. I’ve been open with them in the past about addiction, autism and mental health issues. Several of them are on the spectrum, and others suspect they might be. This morning, 2 of them asked how I’d been doing recently – but not in the small talk kind of way, but how I’d been bearing up with everything since the break up. I’m thankful that I have these guys near, and that many of them can relate to things I experience and the ways I think and feel.

    I took a photo of how long my beard had grown, and after seeing the expression on my face, 2 people asked how I’d been doing, as apparently it’s clear from the look on my face that my mood hasn’t been good.

    IMG_20210510_071415.jpg

    Thing is, these expressions don't feel deliberate. Kristy often pointed out that my selfies often look depressing. Any way, I'm glad my friends checked in on me. I’ve noticed that on voice chat we usually joke around and have fun. But every now and then I initiate a deep conversation and I find that others can relate, and join in. It’s nice to have that connection with other people, asides from our similar sense of humour and enjoyment of Phantasy Star Universe.

    Best get back to work. Whilst these posts don’t take that long to write, and feel good for my mental health – I have plenty of tedious processing to get done.

    Ed

    About Author

    Raggamuffin
    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.

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