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Lingering Effects

  1. This morning I woke up with quite intense neck ache. It's something that flares up now and then, and the past 2 days it hasn't been pleasant. I have a memory foam pillow that's supposed to help - turns out I had been using it the wrong way round all this time - ingenuius.

    After breakfast, I decided to head into work early. During the short walk from my house to the car, I noticed a lingering effect from last night's smoke. The morning air felt crisper and the sight of the trees and the morning song of the birds felt very uplifting.

    When I got to work, the feeling continued - I felt calmer, more receptive to introspection and positive thoughts. It also felt like moments which would normally rile me up, weren't having such an effect on me.

    I went staffing on my lunch break, and as my heart rate increased from the exercise - I noticed the effects began to feel stronger. The wind, the sky, the sound of the birds, my staffing and my thoughts all felt a lot more enjoyable and soothing.

    The walk back through the woods was profoundly beautiful.

    I remembered I had therapy today - the week is sailing by. I have plenty to talk about, and wrote down 6 points to discuss on a small piece of paper.

    I just got off the phone with a London psychiatrist regarding an Autism and ADHD assessment. The total cost is just shy of £1200, which is 50% cheaper than the previous two private practices that I have contacted. When my annual cheque is received, and clears - I'm going to book them straight away.

    My 2 friends from the Discord channel reminded me of how I used to be around weed. One of them quit for 5 months, but the past 2 weekends they smoked. He told me this morning that after I picked up yesterday, he did the same. The other on our channel has been smoking heavily, every day for quite a while now. The first thing both said when they saw I was on voice chat was talk about weed. Whilst I can understand their enthusiasm, it was a little offputting.

    Last time I smoked I was drinking, and the 2 combined is a powerful and innebriating feeling. This time I'm free from alcohol, and genuinely glad of this. Having noticed the duration of the effect of yesterday's smoke - I've realised how important moderation is. I have never felt the effects last so long, and this only serves to highlight how I'd previously lived in excess.

    As per yesterday's post, I refuse to go back to smoking every weekend. Even though it was a huge reduction in how much I smoked - I still found myself smoking 5-15 single skin joints a weekend, and I also included Friday evenings a weekend too.

    Personally, I don't want a rota with my consumption, as this proves how much of a hold it can have on me. All I know is that I refuse to smoke more than two a week. Even that might be too much. I shall have to test the water after I fully sober up.

    The effects continue as I approach 20 hours since I smoked. They're subtle, and yet I find perhaps I'm more sensitive and introspective enough to notice them now.

    I have a feeling the two guys on Discord will discuss weed more now they know I've picked up, and yet - I have no real interest in stoner pride. Truth be told I think most people who brag about it are addicts and feel less guilt when they see other's partaking.

    Might sound cheesy, but I liken yesterday's smoke to an almost shamanic experience. It opened my mind and body up - and I was quickly reminded how powerful the mind can be, in relation to positive and negative feelings.

    I'm holding onto the positive though - whilst clearly realising the potential negatives, and pitfalls of my decision should I attempt to justify any degree of excess.


    About Author

    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.


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