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Lest we forget

Therapy last week came with a book recommendation. When my therapist emailed me the title, she asked if I was ok? Initially I was a bit confused, as I thought we conversed through therapy sessions only. I don’t know, I probably read it wrong, but the part few therapists I have seem to take a shine to me. I guess I assumed it was some alterior motive, as odd and conceited as that might sound.

I said I was ok. But that evening, and ever since my aches and pains have gone nuclear. Had several days of a lymph node inflamming and feeling very sore, days of aches and pains all over my body, muscular pains, stomach pains, light headedness, irritability etc. as well as my skin erupting in dry patches, flakes, red skin and spots. A friend of mine said that releasing trauma can make you feel like you’re detoxing.

I’m not sure what trauma I “released”. Lifting the lid off the jar – maybe. But I didn’t feel like I’d released anything. As ever, multiple times a week a moment in a song, TV show, or thought will enter my head and touch upon that inner part of me that feels emotionally raw, and it leads to tears – almost instantly. That is what gets touched upon in therapy and that is why I ended up tearful.

Reminiscing about the Joker film that I finally got round to watching. How he can’t control his laughter in stressful situations, and how others judged him. I said I felt the same way with my stimming – I try and hide it, but when people see I feel that atmosphere, my shame, their smiles and confused looks – the judgement.

I’m about half way through chapter 6 on the audiobook version of ”The body keeps the score”. So often in these books about mental health and conditions they talk about the how and the why before they reach methods and approaches to help minimise or overcome your troubles. Truth be told I haven’t finished a great many books. I got this as an audiobook as I knew I’d get through more of it than if I had a book version.

Seems like a nice idea to be a voracious reader. I seem to go about purchasing a book with enthusiasm and positivity – but I find it always quickly burns out. But getting 6 chapters into an audiobook in 5 days is pretty good going for me. When it comes to actual books, I never read a chapter at a time. Heck, after a couple of pages I’m usually worn out. Or it’s crammed my head with lots of thoughts and I sit and mull it all over.

Maybe this book will be finished. Perhaps I’ll reach the sections that tell me how things can improve. It’s already hinted at several approaches that do physically improve symptoms in those with trauma – massage therapy, yoga, breathing exercises and meditation.

I found it interesting to note how the brain physically changes after trauma. How the fight or flight is triggered before we can rationalise what is happening. How certain areas of the brain effectively shut down after prolonged trauma in some people. Seems like it’s a means for the body to prevent the trauma etc. being relived – but it end up making you feel like you’re existing rather than living.

As the title of the book suggests – the body keeps the score. Needless to say after a decade of daily aches, pains and symptoms; I’m the perfect example of that.

Work was quite stressful last week. I continue to feel rather detatched from home life and my parents. They’re in their little world and I’m in mine. I did reach out to reconnect with old friends via Facebook. I continue to be the proactive one though. Forever messaging and making the effort and receiving very little in kind by most of my “friends”.

Defeatism and depression have been growing for a number of weeks now. Cycling was helping. I’ll be glad to get the bike back later on this week. It wasn’t like the bike was problematic to ride, but I knew that it needed a tune up. He was surprised it was 6 years old though, but I always kept it in the shed, so it was never exposed to the elements when it wasn’t in use. I also cleaned it before I took it to the shop, as I feel like that’s common courtesy.

Less than 2 months until I leave this job. I’d say negative emotions outweigh positivity and excitement at this point. But we shall see how that changes in the coming months.

Very tired recently, asides from all the aches and pains etc. I wake up and I’m exhausted – every single day. That might also play a part in my reduced patience and ability to control my anger at the moment. But again – it’s all internalised. The only outbursts I have are in my own company.

I wonder what score my body is currently on. Even if I have prolonged better periods in life, it’s never been enough to erradicate the daily symptoms I live with.



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