Monday, time for office mode...
I stayed up late last night as I kinda resented how much overtime I'd been doing the past 2 weeks at work. Thought I'd make the most of my weekend, but this morning I'm absolutely shattered. I suppose that's to be expected. As the year has gone by I've been approaching burn out, and I think the past month or so I'm well and truly there. Yet I still had to keep pushing hard at work as we were at the end of the companies' financial year on the last week of October. But then they have this weird billing process where the first 5 working days of the next month can still be billed to the previous month's end date. So I worked real hard for one week, only to realise I had to pull out all the stops again for last week too. Exhausted and frustrated by the end of it all. Depression and anger built up to pretty intolerable levels, I was really glad for the weekend.
I had held out hope for a 4th person joining the team; running under the assumption that it'd reduce stress. Unfortunately it has had the opposite effect. I find her quite difficult personality wise. She laughs at everything (perhaps it's nerves) and she has a loud voice, which doubles in volume when she's on the phone. Her phone voice is as if the person on the other end couldn't hear her, or if she was trying to have a phone conversation whilst stood outside in a hurricane. It was so bad that last week, when my manager was sat right next to me going over stuff - I couldn't hear him over the sound of her voice 2 desks away from me as she was on the phone. Her voice penetrates my noise cancelling headphones and forces me to put my music up too loud for comfort.
Truth be told, I hadn't expected to make a friend with a new starter. It's statiscally improbable that I'd find someone I got on with. But I suppose I had idealised how much stress reduction would occur when someone new started. Somehow I'd overlooked the very real possibility that they'd actually annoy me and create more stress.
Still, I have two things left to hold out for in this job before I call it a day - first is the annual pay review which is supposed to be around January, although they delayed it this year. The second is going back to the hybrid work system of part time at home and part time in the office. If I can minimise my exposure to her, then perhaps things could work for now. The way I look at it, I only need to hold out here until spring, when I get my own place, then I can look into changing job.
But, if I were to get another 3% or higher pay rise, then I think I'd grit my teeth and get through this job for as long as possible, or until I paid off my mortgage early - which I'm aiming to get done within 10 years of getting the mortgage. We shall have to see I suppose. I know this job isn't a good fit for me and the idea of buying a house in this city just for this job seems rather ludicrous. I resent how little my money would get for a house here, when moving up north I could find a house for 30-50% cheaper. So either I have a bargain house, or I stick with the a slightly higher budget and can buy something really nice, in a beautiful area that isn't flat. But moving area means zero friends and hitting the restart button. Long term I'd always wanted to move up north - the views, the stone cottages and the wonderful UK accents up north. I just don't know what to do - I still feel stuck in limbo.
Kristy got a 5 year permit for Holland, she was only expecting 1 year. She said she isn't stressed anymore - I envy her for that. It's been a running theme where I split up with someone and their lives improve and I look to where I'm at and I'm still struggling mentally and financially. I am glad she's doing well though, as much as I resent her happiness - I am relieved she's found some with a new person in a new location.
I have been feeling happy spending the weekends on my own - no social engagements or any responsibilities. I games, I watched a load of movies and I went staffing and cycling on both days. On Saturday I watched the only ever A-Team episode I've ever seen. Turns out we had a TV recording on VHS of the pilot episode - Mexican Slayride. The intro had a scene I found very amusing, so I recorded it and put it on my Youtube:
Speaking of recordings; I made a load of voice recordings, but still haven't uploaded any more to my Youtube. I don't feel they're relevant as I live a sheltered and isolated life. Even though I have been told I have wise and profound things to say - I feel embarrassed to merely be talking to myself out loud whilst I hit the record button. What with work stress and burn out I've been having quite a lot of dark, intrusive thoughts and occasionally they'd spill out into these recordings, and I don't think people really want to hear about an uneventful man's life that's littered with anger and resentment etc. Perhaps a bit like these blogs.
I also watched The Goonies and Letters from Iwo Jima on Saturday whilst I played Phantasy Star Universe. On Sunday I watched The Mummy. I had intended to watch the other films, but I didn't bother in the end. I played more PSU and briefly went on voice chat with Zak, but he took a phone call and then disconnected and didn't come back. Suited me fine - my enthusiasm was starting to dry up and I only did a few more runs after he left before I called it.
Staffing went ok, the week before I'd injured my little finger. Then last week I managed to get some kind of blood blister on my other hand when catching a throw. This weekend I flared up another old injury with my staffing - but it is what it is. Cycling went well and I enjoyed myself. Yesterday I saw a large flock of several hundred birds in a field. They changed position to another field and as they did so a wall of birds flew up in front of me and for a moment it was almost like observing some kind of liquid as they moved with the direction of the wind and then swooped over to the adjacent field.
Didn't get to pet any dogs last week I don't think. Tried and failed with this little dog that I saw a few days in a row. The owner is heavily tattooed and wears sunglasses when it's overcast. He's always doing some kind of video chat, I have a feeling he is big into social media and how he looks. I mean, he's a good looking guy, but his aura gives off some arrogance. Heh, bit like mine.
Made some memes of the smooth brain doggo and put them on old WW2 Werhmacht photos. I'm going to keep at it as I know I make good, and original memes. In fact I've got a lot of them. But I worry about plagiarism etc. It's the main reason I've been so hesitant over the years to share my stuff online.
Still feel out of place in general. I said last week that I feel some solidarity and understanding on this site. Reading how other people's experiences are similar to my own has provided a sense of relief.
Tooth extraction healed up ok. It wasn't comfy eating on that side after 9 days, but my temp crown still refuses to be ok with me putting any kind of pressure on it. I'm hoping the gold tooth provides some relief, but we shall have to wait and see. Once that's all done I need to look into having the referral for the wisdom tooth extraction. After that I just need the implant doing for this recent extraction, but that won't be for another 6 months or so.
This new starter said she has done medium stuff in the past. I've noticed she's very hesitant to ask me for help. If she's sensitive to all this aura and empath stuff, I guess it's understandable that she's starting to be weary around me. I don't like her, and with all the stress and burn out it's not just a case of not liking her - it's quite intense. I've experienced this in the past with other people - even though I've been polite and helpful when they need assistance, I have been told by managers in the past that certain people (who I didn't like) have been scared of me.
Ran a few ads on my FB art page, but it continues to feel like a waste of time when I don't have products ready to sell. I just do boosts to get hundreds of likes, and invite them all to get a few more followers. All the dental bills threw a spanner in the works with regards to getting my printer inks and getting those empty frames filled with my artwork. I really need to try some local art and craft fairs. As much as it'd be outside of my comfort zone to be sat in a busy, loud room for hours, interacting with strangers to try and sell stuff? Now that I describe it like that, it sounds horrendous.
Fed the crows this morning. Made me happy. Saw lovely sunrise colours too. It's twilight by the time I drive home, so no pleasant colours there. Working through lunch on Thursday to hand in the house keys to the estate agent around 5. Going to say my goodbyes to the house on that day. Next Mon/Tue we get the money from the sale. One less thing to worry about.
Hair is longer than it's been in nearly a decade I reckon. Beard is getting long too. I can actually get bed head now. I'm looking a bit messy and unkept to be honest. Some mornings I wake up and look a bit like a tramp.
I'm going to lock in 2022 holiday bookings on January 1st. Have it so every 2-3 weeks I have a long weekend. With this new starter it should mean less swapping holiday time off when others need days off.
Ahh, so tired and so fed up. Posted a load of new music to my Youtube. Here's an upbeat trance track:
Best get to work I suppose. Really struggling to find enthusiasm.
Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
- Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
- Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
- Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
- Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.
We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral