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Keeping people in your life

By Aru · Jan 27, 2021 · ·
  1. Hey all! Been a little bit since i wrote a post but wanted to vent once again and get some feedback! (This mostly applies to online relationships)

    So i've always had trouble keeping people around, And i mean in a sense of i'm the one that one day gets upset over something and deletes the person or backs away, An example of this would be when i got into a relationship recently and it didn't work out, I tried reaching out to a few friends but were met with a less sympathetic response and because i was already upset, I ended up just deleting them because i felt like a burden/or that they didn't care, But i regretted it later on and lost them as they were hurt by my response.

    Stuff like this has been a looping thing my entire life online, One day something upsets me and i just end up deleting the person, I'm starting to feel it's become this weird false defence mechanism when things don't go the way i want them to, and it's ruined a lot of things in my life, I'm unsure if this is a 'me' issue or if this is something deeper, because it's a very confusing thing overall, Sometimes there are days i just straight up suffocate from socialising and delete the person in a panic and so on, and this is usually worse if i feel sad on that day or if something bad has happened to me recently, I tend to be overly emotional and i end up backing away from people.

    The weird part is over the years i've come to LOVE socialising, I spent half my life alone thinking that i would be okay with it, And i'm not. I know there a lot of people with autism like their space and are okay with never having people, but i'm in a middle boat, I suffocate easy however i LOVE socialising and making friends online, I like to feel loved and connected to people, But i also suffocate easily when it happens, it's SO SO conflicting.

    Again this is all strictly ONLINE only, I cannot socialise at all in person due to a severe social phobia issue, however online i'm not too bad, I just don't want to keep losing people anymore, Does anyone else experience these things here?
    meg_amber98 and Linda Night-owl like this.

Comments

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  1. Greatshield17
    I can relate to you, I want to have more friends in my life that can understand me and support me; and I them as well. I also have a lot of anger issues, and can easily lose it and "delete" people. In fact, part of my anger issues do stem from frustration over not having people in my life who can understand me. I often end up trying to hide a lot of myself and my views from NTs because I'm scared, that if I reveal too much about myself, there will be friction and I'll end up lashing out at people, I am slowly but surely find a few more NT friends these days though.

    As for dating I also struggle with this stuff a lot, I haven't lost my temper with any girl, thankfully, but I do struggle with opening myself up to them; I struggle over concerns with, being too personal and intrusive on the one hand, and not giving them enough attention on the other hand; it's a real difficult balancing act.
      Aru likes this.
  2. WolfSpirit
    The first time I ever attempted to repair a relationship break like you're describing, was when a high school teacher I had recently started to confide in suggested I 'talk to someone', i.e. a professional, about my difficulties, and feelings, specifically the ones that had caused me to become mute for most of the school day for the last two weeks, unless it was absolutely necessary for me to speak. (At home such deviance was not allowed, or trust me, I would've done it there too!)

    Given the terrible experience so many of us have had with mental health professionals who know nothing about autism, you can imagine how I felt at hearing this! BUT, there was this weird nonverbal thing going on from her at the time, where I didn't feel she meant any threat by what she was saying. (and trust me, being able to read such things was a survival skill growing up among the psychological warfare that I grew up in!) So I was utterly confused. I couldn't decide how to respond.

    In the end, I decided to write her a letter, and ask her that way, how I should react. Unfortunately, halfway through the letter, I made a mental switch, and, because English doesn't differentiate between second person singular and second person plural, it sounded like I was suddenly attacking her, when I was actually mentally addressing my parents!!

    Needless to say, when she read the letter, she thought I was attacking her for no good reason, and was really upset. 2 days later (She later told me she avoided me until she calmed down), once she's calmed down and recollected herself, she finally approached me, and we later talked in the privacy of her classroom. When I learned of her assumption, and my mistake, I was mortified!!! I clarified things in a hurry, and we were able to move past it. She's been my closest friend, and confidant, and mentor ever since.

    Don't know if any of this helps any or not, but there's my experience.
  3. WolfSpirit
    I think I can relate to what you're talking about. I used to do a similar thing in high school (ages ago), though I don't remember any regret, or, for that matter, quite the 'hair trigger' you've described, but then, that was before the internet (yes, there was such a time. ;).) so things weren't so 'instant'. Anyways, for me, being a child abuse survivor, (and at the time, still enduring a lot of the crap, and just beginning to learn how to express myself - in writing - I was still far from figuring it out in person, much less communicate.) and coming from a dysfunctional family had a lot to do with it. And I was years away from being diagnosed as with any disabilities, much less autism.

    ... So, I was dealing with severe chronic depression, plus a lot of trauma, plus unrecognized autism difficulties, and the whole developmental delay thing, and therefore my social skills, and as I said, communication skills, were ... undeveloped, shall we say. So my desire to interact was pretty minimal to nonexistent. (I also lived on the brink of shutdown, unknowingly.)

    (more on my first desire to repair a relationship next)
      Aru likes this.
  4. meg_amber98
    I totally relate, firstly I suck at relationships in “real life” especially. I have a few people I will spark conversation up with every once in a blue moon but I tend to feel suffocated after a a handful of texts. I also stress out when people reply quickly as I like to reply at my own pace. For example I still have “Happy Christmas” messages to reply to; I just couldn’t get myself to say anything even though it would be over in seconds and now I feel guilty but it also feels too late to say anything now... yanno!?
    It’s really tough when you feel like you push people away, I too know that it’s often my fault that any relationships I have don’t often blossom into much. It’s as if you’re standing in your own way of happiness. It’s just one of those things we have to practice at and it’s a big step to even recognize the pattern!!
    Just know you’re not on your own!
      Aru likes this.
    1. WolfSpirit
      I've found it has helped when people know about my autistic difficulties, and that if I'm doing something wrong, (or not at all), for them not to interpret it the way they normally would, 'cause I probably don't meant it that way (or anything at all by it.)
      Aru likes this.