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Just a brief Juan

Doesn't feel like I got enough sleep. Thankfully I got to sleep without issue - no dramas or weird mind games last night. Mind you, I knew the escapades of the night before was unusual and, whilst I'd considered it; I wasn't fearful it'd occur the follwing night. It was a very busy day yesterday, and into the afternoon I was hit by tiredness quite severely. In the end, I was printing and framing past midnight.

I went on a bike ride after 8pm and got a couple of texts from Meg to say she had no signal where she is. This was the first I'd heard from here since that morening. What's interesting is that in pervious relationships - the longer I'd go without hearing from someone, the more anxious I'd get. Until the point where I heard from them and there'd be a huge sense of relief and elation. Yesterday? It was nice to get the texts, and it was perfectly understandable that she'd not had signal. That was that - I didn't feel huge relief, because I hadn't been feeling undue worry or tension throughout the day. A few moments of the inner critic doing it's usual things - but nothing that I spent much time over. Allow a worry to come and go - don't hang onto it.

The pattern of previous relationships was that the more I liked someone, the clingier I would tend to be. I'd also struggle a lot more with me time and not hearing from them for a prolonged period. With Meg - well, she's the first person I truly feel like I'm falling for. Yet I'm also doing better than I ever have done with regards to going prolonged periods without hearing from her. So I think that's another tick for emotional growth etc. It's good that this is a direct contrast to the worries during the previous nights moment of panic. Fearing that I'd not be able to cope when she went back to work and I might not see her for prolonged periods. I still maintain that we will be able to see each other, whilst it might not be as regularly as in previous relationships - there's a lot to be said for long distance relationships. Especially when the distance apart is only temporary. Absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder.

In the 2 long distance relationships I was in; the time we spent together felt more special and there was very little arguing or friction because we weren't in each other's hair all the time. Not that I argue much anyway. I can get snappy occasionally, but it's the usual spectrum related stuff. In the middle of doing something and getting distrubed/distracted by people who keep badgering me. Or getting gaslighted or ignored - even then, it's usually an emotion that's internal. Outbursts just aren't my style as they leave me feeling disturbed and flooded with guilt. Mind you, that probably comes from a history of being gaslighted. Nothing much comes of it other than a rising tension in my voice and mannerisms that quickly dissipate. I've never been one for full blown arguements. This is one reason I'm glad of the contrast between me and Meg's ex. Things will be calm for us - and it doesn't feel like there's a risk of explosive arguements between us two. Not saying there'd never be disagreements or the occassional heated moment - but I'm averse to shouting, conflict, or allowing anger to build to a point where people say stuff they regret - that's just not me.

Speaking of feeling good - I need a day of rest. I'm not sure how successful it'll be, as I've been cranking out productivity since getting home on Thursday. The heat on Mon/Tue didn't make me productive, and then the woodland camping from Tue evening to Thu afternoon. I wanted to make a point of catching up. But I feel quite exhausted. Not that "me time" is anything special. Reading, gaming, music etc. Usually spent entirely in my own company. Meeting Meg had me reassess who I hung out with, and I don't want to get in contact with Jack or Marcus out of lonliness, because once I'm with them and they start to monologue and rant: I quickly feel tense and uneasy, and that feeling grows and really drains me.

Whilst I need some "me time" I also feel like I should get other bits done - ahh more shouldism.

In the early hours of this morning I got my chisel tip marker pen out and started doing graffiti writing of the Art by Ed Foulds logo. It'll take some practice, but I'll get there. Graffiti is quite relaxing to do - but I quickly remembered why I used to do it with regular pens. The solvent fumes from marker pens are really pungent, and in a warm room - the odour was quite fierce and it quickly gave me a headache. So I packed them up and switched on the fan to get that smell away from me.

Got the list of picture sizes for the framing project for Guy. Getting those priced up and sent across would be easy enough. I can't do any more printing until I get more A4 frames tomorrow - suits me. I'm going to move the printer off my sitting table and then I can focus on some art. Feels like it's been a couple of weeks since I last added to my latest drawing.

Anyway, leaving this here now I think. I'm glad I've been doing better than I ever have in my own company whilst in a relationship with someone. This feels like a very positive step away from codependence. I also remind myself that Meg said there's no need to impress her. Feels like a relief to be told that. Ahh, she's a wonder.

Not too sure if she'll be heading back this evening or tomorrow. Either way, it's all good. I'm fine, she's fine: we're all fine.

Going to get the paper for my folks and then try and spend most of the day just chilling out and recharging. Feels like a nap might be in order as I'm shattered, and I've only just woken up. Want to tidy and organise my room further as well. Especially with 50 A4 frames arriving tomorrow. Eeesh.

Decided I'm going to be lazy - drive instead of walking 3 mins to the shop. Get the paper for my folks, come back and go back to sleep. I feel exhausted, and a day of rest can't really begin unless I wake up feeling well-rested.



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