I think I have a problem (or many), but I don't know how I'm supposed to tell other people about it. Since, if I'm going to tell other people, usually it always sound like a too-simple problem. The only solution is for me to work harder. And i sounded like i'm only whining.
Which is actually true; I'm not that hardworking, you may say I'm lazy. I could actually do only simple work, but I got a job which i'm actually not qualified for. It's not impostor syndrome. I'm not qualified, yet i'm stuck here, since it's a scholarship bond. Other people call it a blessing, yeah it might be a blessing, since I got paid, but the guilt & low self-esteem-ness are enormous.
I'm hardly catching up with the basic things, although i'm already about 3 years here. I'm not satisfying the performance index. Other colleagues who just joined, already did lots of work and projects, and they seem fine with them - of course they put lots of effort, but you know, it looks like their work flows smoothly like water - like they are breathing the work. For example, the basic things are teaching & research. Other than that, there are lots of committee work, collaborations, projects etc. I'm barely struggling to understand the contents of my teaching. Other junior colleagues already done much more.
I feel like a total failure.
Which I am. I cant supervise students. I don't have the expertise. I'm easily impressed. I cant even do proper evaluation of something. If I ask people how they do that, they seem like i'm asking a stupid question. For me, I need a more proper, manual-like answer. Not like ad-hoc answer.
I don't know. Seems like I have faults on the foundation level. So it's hard to consult with anybody. I don't even know what to tell. Since the answer is only I need to work harder. But I seem like I cant. The remaining energy is being used to modulate my low mood, low self-esteem, negativity. I don't have any other energy to be proactive. I can only do what I've been told; a simple work at that. But this job requires professionality, leader-like personality; even not leader-like, it's more like how a normal person can do - helping each other, come out with beneficial stuffs etc... it's like they're breathing whatever they do, while for me, a simple task looks like a tough job. Maybe i'm really autistic? But that'll be seen only as an excuse. I'm maybe not even an autistic.
I don't know.. I just feel so sad and down.
I got this job by pure luck. A decade ago, I was interviewed for a scholarship, when I was young & didn't even do the best proposal. Really, the interview was very lenient, they have lots of money at that time, and want to sponsor us. So I got it. I was a student, i'm mentally like half of my real age - really naïve. So I signed the contract. Who doesn't want scholarship & money?
But then, because of this scholarship bond, my husband sacrificed his early-career as a promising young researcher, to move to my country. He was a great researcher there, and got lots of offer. Here in my country, everybody cant see his strong points. He's an Asperger. Many only see him as a person who cant talk in English well, cant communicate, only can do maths and minor things. But that's not true!! In his developed country, he done great research projects. He could do so many other things. But my country couldn't understand his advanced research, nobody could understand his research here, nobody did similar things. He feels so alone & isolated, even though he tried his best to adapt. He has low self-confidence now and depressed every day. He's so unhappy.
He sacrificed so much, for me who is stuck in my job which i'm not qualified for.
I don't know. Maybe this is the punishment for all the mistakes and sins I've done in the past. I feel so sad for my husband, that I'm dragging him down with my baggage.
The only solution is to work harder. But I seem like I cant. There're so much things I need to work harder on. Then I become confused & lose confidence. And I think, if only I have the strength like a normal person, like my colleagues. I know, they're maybe much brilliant than a normal person, that's why they got the job through proper interviews and screening. How can I catch up, when i'm below normal, and just got lucky?
People say God is the Best Planner. I can understand that God wants me to learn more through this. But what about this guilt, what about other people like my husband, whom are being dragged down because of me?
I know that everything has a meaning. But I fail to see the meaning in me being here like this. I always regret that I signed the contract. I regretted that I didn't say that I don't want the job during the interview. I know there are benefits that my husband and I got through this. But seeing my husband depressed and unhappy, because of me, who didn't even do my job well, makes me feel like all my 'choices' are mistakes. It's not I really choose..
how to work harder? I cant. i'm sad & feeling negative. the energy is being used to counter that. so no more energy to do more. even catching up with the contents of the teaching (level 1) is taxing on me, and I need the two days weekend to just coop at home. blasphemy on me, if other colleagues know i'm still struggling at level 1, which is unforgivable for my profession.
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