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I seem shy to most

By Raggamuffin · May 4, 2021 ·
  1. The plasterer cancelled for the 5th time last night. I actually became somewhat confrontational and highlighted the fact this was the 5th time he's cancelled. He apologised and blamed family issues and promised he'd be arriving tomorrow at 8am.

    As usual - 8am came and he wasn't here. As per the previous visits, he texts me after 8am to advise he's en-route. Well, he finally arrived and they began plastering - glory be.

    I'm not home today, which I'm glad about. Apparently they were doing more prep/scraping on the bathroom ceiling, so there'll be more dust caking everything downstairs when I get home. Once I get home tonight it'll be masks on, and get started washing everything down once again.

    My eyes continue to water, my nose continues to feel stuffy and there's a slight sore feeling in my sinuses. Kristy repeatedly tells me that it's hayfever and gets frustrated that I "never listen to her". It's not that I don't listen - it's just that I convince myself otherwise. I'm not going out of my way to upset her or look down on her. In fact, I talk myself out of my ideas and advice on a regular basis too. I'm full of conflicting thoughts and information. I can rationalise my doubts regarding these symptoms, as I'm 34 and I've never had hayfever before. Of course, I know it can appear at any age; but this is new to me, and will take some time to process and adapt to.

    I've had a few phone calls where people ring me saying they had just missed a call from my number. I explain I haven't called them and they hang up. I Googled this the first time it happened and it appears scammers are somehow cloning people's mobile numbers and attempting God knows what. At least I don't get any charges or hassle other than politely explaining to someone that I didn't call them. Thankfully it's only happened a couple of times in recent months.

    With downstairs being a bit of a bomb site with furniture and boxes blocking everything in the kitchen - I went on my 5th evening getting take away again. It's costing me a small fortune. I don't like being cooped upstairs - normally I spend most of my time in the living room and that's right next to the kitchen. So I could snack and get drinks etc. whenever I needed. But now I'm stuck upstairs whilst downstairs is a bit of a "no go" zone. If the plasterer finishes today, possibly tomorrow - at least we can finally move stuff back downstairs. Mind you - I'm going to wipe down and clean several more times before I move my PC etc. downstairs again.

    Work is busy - I had a 6 day weekend and I came back to over 500 emails. My documents folder on my PC which contains saved pro formas and service sheets etc. was down to single figures when I finished my shift on Tuesday, now it's back up to triple figures. I've been advised that our supervisor is going to sit with us at some point to work out how long it takes us to do stuff. Even though I provided him 5 days worth of task lists that were broke down by task and time taken. We might have our work cut out for us if we hope to get a much needed 4th person to join the team again.

    I re-wrote that dating profile this morning. Seems I'm very good at my wording and getting it to 499 or 500 words exactly. I thought the previous information was a little too negative. I prefer a warts and all approach - but I think my previous phrasing was a little too off-putting. So I went with the following:

    My Facebook art page URL (sticking with this first as free advertising is always a plus)

    I fit the stereotype of the "tortured artist". Whilst I am more than the sum of my diagnoses - I have suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time. I am also on the spectrum.

    I seem shy to most - they will never see my true colours.

    I am not a simple person, nor am I the sort of person who enjoys typical past times. I have an all or nothing persona. I am an addict who is nearing one and a half years sober.

    I am here for friends, as I have very few in life.


    Re-reading it, perhaps it isn't really a more positive introduction. Still - it's honest, and it highlights how I stand out from people. I recognise it by the faces and expressions on strangers when they see me walking by - especially when I'm dressed sharp in my 3 piece suits. It's the same when I go staffing - I see so many shocked and smiling faces. Sometimes I find people's reactions energising, other times I feel they're somewhat hostile and they unnerve me. Right now, I'm in a more positive mindset, and part of me can't wait to see even more shocked/envious faces when I pass my bike test and rock up to places riding a Harley with loud pipes. Kristy mocked my desire to get a motorbike and said it's a mid-life crisis. Personally, I think I'm way past the middle of my life. I might only be 34, but I'm not convinced I'll reach a ripe old age - this apple has got a worm in it.

    Still; sticking out has it's disadvantages. I feel like the way I look can undermine my personality - I'm not as outgoing or confident as I might appear. Being tall naturally makes you stand out, add to this all my tattoos and piercings and I feel that the way I look doesn't reflect how shy and frequently awkward I feel around people. If "confidence is key" I think my key broke off and is jammed in the lock.

    Kristy frequently pointed out how many of her friends commented how "cool" I was. She found it a little frustrating and embarrassing. I'm not too sure why she found it a burden. I've known since I began socialising as an adult that I tend to leave a good impression on people. Not only does my look stand out - but I'm also very polite and tend to forgo myself to help and provide for others. There's also that social naivety that people on the spectrum seem to exhibit, that I think people can appreciate. Admittedly some people notice it and try and manipulate it to suit their own purposes, but others view it as something special. It does help my confidence when I'm in a good mood and I'm receptive to other people's glances and smiles etc - when I actually walk with my head upright and meet people's eyeline. When I'm feeling down I'm walking hunched over, staring at the floor and rarely making eye contact with people. Thing is, my mood is frequently up and down like a yo-yo. It's probably quite evident by how I write these blogs; one day I'm positive and hopeful - the next day I'm angry and forlorn.

    Me and Kristy have basically finished all our packing. Saturday will be a busy morning - but once it's done we're good to contact the estate agent next week. I'm hoping painting the ceilings is relatively hassle free and doesn't make a mess of the walls with paint splashes etc.

    I've noticed a lot more laughs and playfulness with me and Kristy. It's not flirting - which I'm thankful for. Much like my relationship before Kristy, I have never been that attracted to her. In fact, on this dating profile I've noticed people with the most attractive personalities aren't people who look physically attractive to me. Whereas the people who look physically stunning seem to have utter trash for personalities and interests. Then again, that's a running theme in life - I've noticed very few attractive people have a personality to match- often they come across as vapid or entitled.

    Anyway, back to the grind stone.

    Ed

    About Author

    Raggamuffin
    Ed, 34, UK

    I'm an underachiever with numerous talents. Exhausted by people and being stuck in the rat race. Unable to shake depression for nearly 2 decades.

    Approaching a year and a half sober. I've undertaken numerous lifestyle changes in recent years. I'd hoped they'd provide some solace from mental health issues. In reality, I know work is my main stressor. 16 years spent in jobs I've never considered careers, or worthy of my time.

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