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I know I'm in good hands

Felt a little low last night. Meg got to the work site, we had a decent length chat. I'm still putting the blame on me for the breakup, although she reiterated that neither of us were faultless. Both of us weren't in the right headspace for a relationship, I wish I'd listened to my gut. Still, Meg said that we were right to try and give the relationship a go. Hindsight can be troublesome I guess, when a good thing has ended. Mind you - was it a good thing in those last few weeks? The intensity grew, and whilst we had many wonderful moments and memories - the overwhelm and anxiety ended up eclipsing it for me. This means that friends will be best for both of us going forwards. I know my mental health was the instigator for the overwhelm, clingyness and pushing her away, but if my mental health had been in a good place - I'd have listened to my gut, and given Meg time to heal and let the dust settle from her relationship with Paul. Instead, I couldn't proceed with any sense of patience because I became fixated on someone liking me, during a time when I was depressed and clearly not fond of myself.

Still, what's done is done. It will heal in time - I know that. It's just I place a lot of self-worth into others, and I said that I will be happy to see her happy in the future, but I'm not sure how I'll process when she moves on - if I'll end up turning the blame onto myself again for not feeling good enough. Mind you - that's on me. That's my internal chatter, and it doesn't have to be that way. I was ok with Kristy moving on very soon after things ended with us, and again when she told me she'd found someone new a few days after she'd split with Erik. Although the pattern seems to indicate back to back relationships - and I know from experience that isn't a good thing. So, whilst I'm happy to see Kristy moving on and finding new people and experiences - I never felt as close to Kristy as I did with Meg. Of course that doesn't mean I should be any less happy in the future for Meg - it just means there's a grieving process I guess. I know that fundamentally it's not my concern, and it needn't be something I antagonise myself with. Still, it is what it is.

Got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I hope she doesn't make me do another visualisation exercise. I find them cloying at this point. Yes, giving a voice to the inner critic or inner child etc. But she pulls that card almost every session. I should probably say something. Not probably - I should.

Not too sure when I'll see Guy. Feel like I want some distance. Mind you, I stupidly rang Jack last night when I was driving to McDonald's as I was feeling lonely and thought maybe he'd want to tag along to get food. But he said he'll call me today instead. That wasn't really a good thing on my part to do, as it'll probably be exhausting. In the end Guy messaged me asking how I was and announced he was cooking his own version of Mac & Cheese. I know he was being friendly, and coaxing me with the food statement. He likes to cook for people, but you know what? I'm not there yet. I'm not denying it'd serve as a distraction, and might provide some laughs. Right now though, I think I need some time to let everything settle - as my brain has been doing anxiety marathons.

EDIT - Marcus messaged me suggesting he should drive us there on Saturday to meet Guy. I haven't replied yet. I don't want to go, I don't want a lift there, because then I'm hostage to when Marcus wants to drive home - so I'd likely feel anxious and trapped. Plus Saturday evening is when I'd likely meet Meg. I realised as well that she's got a gig to go to on Friday in Colchester. I hope she gets some rest in this week, otherwise driving over 2 hours to a gig after a full day at work. Hmm - tbh I don't think I'd have been able to keep up with Meg long term. Yes, I go out and do things here and there, but I found the frequency and variety of things we do quite fatiguing. But yeah, I'd much rather see Meg on an evening than be subjected to Marcus and Guy. Sounds rude of me, but I'm just being frank. They're too much for me right now. So I just replied "Nah, sorry. Another time maybe." I recall seeing Marcus' partner outside the village shop with his dog on the day I had driven back from work after being fired. I saw Marcus walking out the shop as I drove past the door, and I was glad I passed by unnoticed. There's many a time where I just wish to be invisible. Which I think is why at times, dressing in a more provocative and colourful way feels like too much for me. Yesterday in Cambridge was good - but there was still a lot to take in and process. I need to stop doing for a bit.

Haven't messaged Meg this morning. Not deliberately mind, as I only checked WhatsApp now, and she hasn't read my "good night" from yesterday. Realistically it will naturally become more distant as time goes on. A period of change is still underway, but I know she told me she put more effort into text communication with me than other people she dated. Now that we're single, I know it's not my place to continue messaging as frequently as I had in the past.

But, as she said last night - it's not like you can just switch something on/off. So, whilst I know it's no longer my place to worry, or fret over "what if's", and I need to be respectful and give more distance and not feel like I'm hassling her - it will take time to get used to this new dynamic. We will still meet and socialise in the future. I just have to come to terms with the reality that it will naturally become more distant, and contact will become less frequent. It sucks, but it's how it has to be.

When I told mum on Friday afternoon that me and Meg split up, the first thing she said was "you'll be back together". She was basing this off her spiritualism, and communicating with spirits and her journey to become a medium. I firmly responded "don't tell me that" I told her frankly that I don't want to be holding onto hope and anxiety for something that might never happen. As I said yesterday - Meg set a new benchmark in terms of how I connected with someone personally and physically. It sucks to say other relationships pale in comparison, but it's true. So it makes how it ended, and how short it lasted, all the more bittersweet.

Whilst we were on the subject of spiritualism - I told my mum that regardless of what her spirit guides told her - I do have ADHD and I'm convinced I am on the spectrum from what I've read and learnt and shared on this forum. She was initially defensive, and overwhelmed and then very apologetic. But I'm glad I said my bit. I ended up crying, because I said to her that this has been a long journey of self discovery, and it makes sense. I said there's no shame in having a son with a disability.

Last night I slept ok. I messaged Jared this morning a bit about that Akane game, and played a little bit more this morning. Got the paper for my parents, and haven't done much else as of yet. It's nearly 10:15.

Hadn't been paid by the company, so I figure it won't be in until the end of October. Should be around £350+ for a week's pay. Quite nervous about whatever reply I get from their HR department today. But I will keep an eye out for it. EDIT: they replied, told me I couldn't file a Grievance (what my friend told me to do) as I no longer worked for the company. They said I could appeal the dismissal. I let my friend know and he asked me to foward him the email, the letter from my old manager, all the relevant screenshots of my FB posts and emails and conversations from work. So I sent that across along with copies of my medical health questionnaire and company contract I signed.

Probably take 2 weeks out and then start looking for jobs. By the time I find something it'll probably be the 4 week mark in terms of time off. We'll see how I feel over the course of the next 2 weeks. I should be ok to cycle later as my feet are sore from walking, but that discomfort doesn't translate whilst cycling. Mind you, it's quite a blustery day. I'd wanted to go to the nearby woods at some point to start reading this new book.

Ended up not drawing in a coffee shop yesterday, even though I was carrying around a rather cumbersome 17.5" laptop shoulder bag with me all day. My smaller shoulder bag I used to use doesn't fit the A4 sketchbook inside, so I had to go with a larger bag. The single strap on those sorts of bags, plus the weight on one shoulder, and my odd and bouncy walk - it gradually gets tiring. Especially after 8 miles of walking. Still I'm not aching much today, I'm still exhausted though.

Should probably get some food in today. Said I'd do some laundry and tidy my room. Nothing has materialised yet, but it's not a big issue. Still got a couple of hours until midday. I shan't wallow today. I will read, meditate upon some music. Reach out to some friends. But I will wait for Meg to reply, rather than pre-emptively message her today. I don't want to overthink it, but I also feel that if I tried to pursue lots of daily contact this week, it might become cloying. We'll have some time this weekend, we can talk in person.

Truth be told, since being fired on Friday - I've come to view my friends in a new light. I reached out and numerous people came through for me. I know that Jack, Guy and Marcus can be fatiguing, but my circle of friends is much bigger than what I have in the local vacinity. This is the perfect opportunity to spend time talking with other friends, as well as focusing on rekindling my inquisitive side - to see and experience new things. I feel that it'd probably help me acclimate quicker to van life as well. I visualise a wanderlust in me, and I'm pretty sure that it's there.

I'd never consider van life if I wasn't willing to pursue a different path. Plus, I know that settling down isn't for me right now - I tried it, and whilst I was in the wrong relationship at the time, the location, lifestyle and dynamic of home life isn't for me. Not sure if it ever will be. Being on the spectrum and trying to feel like you fit in could be a lifetime experience. So having my own place, something unique, and mobile and decorated and built how I want it to be. That is a very very positive focus right now. Yes, it'll be costly and overwhelming at times. But the fact is - I am paying others to do it. I truly admire the diversity, creativity and dedication of Meg, and Paul and other van lifers I've seen. Those who are practical. I know I could, but I shy away from it. It's ok though. There's shame and fear holding me back from trying, as well as shame in getting others to do it for me. Yet I must remind myself that it's why such companies exist - and I have 2 brothers who are local and helpful and actually give a s*** about their professions. So I know I'm in good hands.

Besides, my tolerance for stressors right now isn't good. My money is low, and whilst I'd love to have at it with my van - it's much easier to just drop it off somewhere and other people can worry about it. I hope I find something well paid and nearby when I start job hunting again. There's nothing to stop me applying for higher salary jobs. I'm a hard worked and dedicated. That company wouldn't even give me a full week before they let me go - and I know it's their loss at the end of the day. Much like the brothers in the village, I actually give a s*** about my profession too, and I want, and deserve to get treated with respect and be paid a good wage.

Ed

EDIT - combining two blogs as this is all happening in one day - today.

Decided to go on a long walk. I know it'll hurt by the end, as my feet were sore after walking 8 miles yesterday. Exercise helps, but too much of it is counterproductive. I guess it's a more positive approach to self harm. I am exhausted though, but I want to clear my head some more.

The walk out of the village would take me past Paul's mum's farm. It made me apprehensive. The usual inner critic comparisons. I knew he wouldn't be there, and yet I felt anxious. A farm, a practical guy, a cool van conversion, and gets to spend the next month Mon-Fri working with Meg. I was stacking up my brain with a lot of unecessary discomfort, but at the time - it was just how my thoughts were evolving. Felt quite jealous they'd spend evenings in their vans parked up by each other. I know Meg has been keeping busy, and when I asked her to stop, she was overwhelmed within seconds. Ach Iunno. In the end as I walked down he street I noticed and spotted the farm for the first time, and I wasn't overcome or overwhelmed. I just carried on walking with a feeling of indifference. On the return trip I saw someone walking in the yard, and didn't feel overwhelmed either.

Decided to detour and walk up Haddenham hill and into the orchards. I picked some blackberries, although they're starting to overripen now, and have lost most of their flavour. I fed a beautiful horse too. Such a magnificent mane. Ended up sitting on a bench overlooking Sutton. I still intend to walk down to Long Drove and loop back into Aldreth, then up the river, into 9 acre woods, and then down the droves and back into haddenham. Probably a longer walk than yesterday.

Writing this as I go. Going to spend a little time here on the bench. Ponder and spectate. I do feel waves of loneliness. But before I reached the path to the orchard, I met the dog walker who I've seen up at the graveyard. Her two dogs came in for lots of fussed which made me happy. Especially as one dog was the most loving, and yet only until recently had I gained his trust and he actually would come over to me.

Bit chilly up on the hill. 30mph gusts today and temp in the low teens. Seeing Ely cathedral in the distance is enchanting. Medieval architecture that dominates and towers above the flat landscape of the Fen. I remembered how dirty that song from Akane was and it gave me a rush of excitement as my hands started dancing whilst sat on the bench. Time to make a move. Was excited to play the song from Akane on my phone as I'd just removed and replaced all the music on there, and I forgot that song.

Balls.

I hit play and a Die Antwoord song continues playing. The first word he says, mid sentence when I hit play is

"Sucks."

Perfect timing. Now to walk...

Did a loop of the fields and now I'm on the opposite side of the field sat on another bench. Internal chatter during my walk around the fields wasn't great. Convinced myself for a while that I got the short straw. No gf, no job, no money. Spiralled a bit. Saw a field of cows. Felt quite lonely. But I managed to attempt some logic and tried giving myself an internal pep talk on the way back up the hill. Decided to walk home after rather than subject myself to several more hours walking. It's not virtuous in any way to punish myself when I'm already tired. A walk is fine, but I don't need to do a yomp in this condition. The same goes for piling on the guilt and blame onto myself, or unecessarily comparing myself to other people, when no comparisson is required. I don't need to burden myself with most of the internal chatter that I focus on.

I know I'm exhausted, and there shouldn't be any shame in taking a few days out whilst doing the minimum. But I don't want to fester. I tried a few times to be mindful. Even though the internal narrative might be bad at times, at least my surroundings were nice. I tried repeatedly to take in the surroundings to try and shift focus from thoughts. Trying to put things into perspective by being mindful of the surroundings and my actual present mood based off that, rather than how my internal thoughts and feelings are making me feel. Might've been because I ate food then walked but I've been feeling chesty and gassy. It'll be ok though - it always is.

The wind and clouds were nice, but it still ended up feeling too warm in my new zip up fleece. Ended up walking 4.7 miles. Not a bad amount. I will have a shower later. Need to drink more water. Sore throat lingers but not as pronounced as yesterday, so I'm not sure it'll spill into a cold. Although my dad has a cold now, so who knows. Last year both my parents had several bad colds and I didn't get ill. It's amusing that my immune system is good when my body aches so much from stress. Meg thought maybe if stress lessened I'd get sick, hence the sore throat. I'm not sure tbh. It's just been a belief and expectation in life that I don't get sick - and I don't. Needless to say this follows the principle in the Seth material, as well as other books I've been reading of late. If you feel like s*** and you have s*** beliefs, values and things you deem to be certainties - then it's those beliefs and principles you must change if you ever expect to see worthwhile change in life.

Things will get easier.

Messaged Meg in the end. Earlier I'd said I thought best to let her contact me first. But she replied immediately. I said she should ask for help with giving a work colleague a lift to and from site as it's another hour onto her day. She said she might ask Paul to do the evening trips. Seems only fair.

Walked home and the only shame I felt was a little tinge that I hadn't walked the way I told the dog walker I would. Lo and behold as I cross the road to her house, she's driving round the corner. I smirked, as the high incidence rate of supposedly "chance" encounters and situations of late has been very special.

Had about 10 minutes of uncomfortable walking. So it's good I didn't venture down to Long Drove, or else I'd have had over 90 minutes of discomfort whilst walking.

Ah, I don't know. Can't expect calm or relief right now I guess. Just keep doing what I'm doing. Things should get easier. It might've helped to have kept busy at work, but in reality I think rest is more important. My mind doesn't seem willing or able to slow down though. Then again, Meg has told me the past few days that she is exhausted as well, and she has lots of driving, and manual labour work ahead. So, in comparisson I certainly have it easier.

Bit nervous about therapy tomorrow. A lot to try and cram into an hour. It's at 16:30 - so I have most of the day to myself before then. Jack never called me this morning like he said he would - so I'm quite glad about that to be honest. Feel like I could sleep right now, but I don't want to mess up my sleep schedule. Still feeling chesty, quite a deep and pronounced ache this one which is unusual compared to my normal chest pains, and my heart rate is high. Eh - exhaustion? I don't know. Let's just say yes and try and move on. I am extremely gassy though, like 30+ burps a minute. Had a bit of fruit today, and I'll try focus on drinking more water. We'll get there I keep telling myself. Everything I'm doing feels like I'm filling time, and I still feel like I'm waiting on Meg to finish work and reply. Might take a while to unlearn that one. I reached out to some other friends and people haven't been replying even though they've read the messages. I hope my chest calms down soon, as I really don't feel right.

Ed

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