How to Propose to an Aspie -- at least, this one

I have a PLATONIC friend in the building that I've known for almost 2 years. We have things in common, like music and computers and really strange senses of humor, he's a great cook, so we've been eating together for the whole time, etc.

He's an old hippie and but there's an ounce or two of real intelligence in that head of his, and we just enjoy each other's company. Even when he has other company, he calls me down to join them. AND we are night owls, so we spend nights watching movies, eating breakfast a 4 a.m., then I leave and go upstairs to my apartment and go to sleep.

I don't even knock on his door or call him because I don't need to see or hear from him on any regular basis, and I have a life, etc. He knows I'm not a "groupie," or someone who just wants to use him because he's gullible at this point and can't see when he's being taken care of.

I'm that one friend who will tell [you] the truth, even if it hurts.

He gives away stuff he has to help others in need, but no one really takes care of him and that makes me upset, but I don't get involved enough to put our friendship in peril. I figured he enjoyed my company because I left him ramble (sometimes he makes sense), and he plays music for me (and I'm learning the software). Or, he’s needed my help after injuries, and he enjoys people, but is a homebody.

He's really ill and has lots of medical and psych issues, but he makes me laugh and he tells me that no matter how many people are in the room, I'm the only one who understands him.

On Tuesday night, he called and asked if I could come downstairs to his apartment for a few minutes. I asked if everything was ok, and he said, "sort of, it's kind of stupid.... but it would be better if you came down."

I jokingly asked if he and his girlfriend were pregnant, and he said, "Just get down here, will ya?"

I figured his girlfriend had convinced him that he didn't need me in their friendship, and I was truly convinced it would be the last time we'd be able to see each other socially.

• There were a few times when he canceled plans with her to stay home with me, and I had no idea why, but didn't question it. He knows I hate drama and I stay out of as much of his personal stuff as I can, because I don't want to know enough about anyone to Google them (lol).
• He's been a main topic in my monthly therapy meetings, which I might have to double up now
• Ok, so ..... I went downstairs and he called me into the living room (I figured both of them were in there) and he was all alone.

"Ok, what's up?" [me]

• "I know it's stupid, but ..... would you like to marry me?"

I asked, thinking he was kidding: "Do you need some kind of green card, or something?"

• No ...

So, I ventured -- "What exactly are you asking me?"

• He repeated, "I know it's stupid, but ..... would you like to marry me?"

(Extended silence ........ and then I uttered .....WHAT?")

• "I've been thinking about this for a while. We spend all sorts of time together, you understand me, I tolerate you (laughing), and you make me feel better when you are here ....
• Whether there are three people or thirty people in the room, you are the only one who "gets" what I'm saying before I say it, or knows what I mean without having to explain it. We finish each others' sentences. You can look into my eyes and know exactly what I'm thinking (which is true).
• Shoot, we're just like an old married couple already. We argue, we make up, you have my back, I have yours, etc., etc.
• Do you want a ring? or Flowers? I looked around for something to give you.

(Extended silence ........WHAT? ..... Did you break up with her?)

• well, that depends ....

(Extended silence ..... ON WHAT?)

• On how you answer my question

(Staring .... wide eyed & confused, I continued ... "Oh my Gosh, she gave you an ultimatum? She dumped you?"

• Nope, sorry -- this is all my idea

"??? Are you worried that I won't be here for you? You know I care. Can't we just commit to each other, like common law marriages you get from living together, or that when you get very ill I'll take care of you? Heck, even if I hated you I'd probably donate an organ. Isn't that enough?" (laughing hesitantly)

• Nope, I want this to be real ....

"Remember when you had to assure me (for my own comfort) that we were NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP a year ago?"

• Yup ...and we weren't

"We've never even 'dated'. We've been to two rock concerts together, you "officially" invited me to a date at your APARTMENT to view a concert I wanted to watch on TV, and you accompanied me to a funeral. That's not exactly a great foundation to base a MARRIAGE on. I'm a *****, and if you think you have chronic pain now, you have no idea what you are in for. "

• "Yup ... So, here's what I figured we could do: ("Oh, and by the way, I can handle "No," but I'd be disappointed, I can handle "Yes" and I'd be thrilled, but I can't handle Maybe.)"

ME: (silence .........) "I've been single for almost 20 years, divorced for 30. I'm a pain in the ass. I annoy myself. I wouldn't date me, and I'm not sure I'd date anyone who was stupid enough to be interested in dating me)... (hesitant laugh) You are a romantic, and I'm as far away from that as I can be.

• "You think I haven't figured that out? You get all excited reading INSTRUCTION MANUALS and SOFTWARE INSTRUCTIONS, for Gosh Sake. You read computer event logs instead of enjoying the computer! You enjoy good food and I cook it, you stare at my hands when I'm playing guitar or keyboard, and you actually watch what I'm doing while you're listening to the music. I've noticed all that.

Then he continued....:

I know it's stupid, but it just feels right. Who do we have to answer to? So what if it’s crazy. Neither of us will be alone, you’ll have the privacy you need, nothing will change, unless one of us wins the lottery and we can (or want to) move out of here.

• You keep your apartment, I keep mine. (same building)
• I'm a bear when I wake up and you go to sleep at 6:00 a.m., so we each have 8 or so hours alone when we're awake -- I assume that works for you?
• Everything stays the same, unless you decide for whatever reason that you want to change the living arrangements, and then we just change the plans, but only if you want.
• I get to visit the cat and give her tuna (he taught my cat to beg for tuna)
• And I'm gonna upgrade your miserable sound system because I'm an electronic music technician and it bothers me. (I haven't let him change anything and probably won't. )
• "I know I don't have much longer left and I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend that time with.
• We have more good times than bad ones; not only don't you ASK for anything, but I have to explain to you that something is a gift; we argue like nerds: who else has arguments about "YOU CAN'T RUN WINDOWS 10 on a WINDOWS 7 BIOS." We don't even know how to argue when we do it and we eventually work it out and end up with each other anyway!
• I want stability and I have it when I'm with you. You let me ramble, but you knock me down when I talk s***. When you are here I can be myself, and I don't have to apologize for being me."

(I will listen to him ramble for a while and interrupt him with, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" <-- sounds romantic, huh?

• I asked if this was like an engagement -- if we had time to think things out, and he said "No, I want to be able to introduce you as my wife." (Cringe from me)

Of course, I started listing all the reasons he should reconsider about this "proposal" and asked if he was sure this was what he wanted. He started talking in such a way (the nerdiest defense of my questions ) no one else would find endearing, unless that person was me.

So ..... I 'sort of' said yes, with several stipulations, including

1. We will remain in a platonic relationship
2. We keep our own apartments (and keep them as our MAIN places), because I'm not about to share my space with anyone on any long term basis
3. No mingling of funds or assets
4. No "permission" to access passwords, PIN numbers, account names, etc.
5. No jealousy

He maintains everything will stay the same, except he might ask for a kiss or a hug now and then which is fine with me.

I might take his last name, because he doesn't want my ex's name, which is fair.

I am suggesting to him that it not be a "legal" marriage which would cause all sorts of problems, especially (I'm thinking) of deciding after a week or two that it just won't work.

I think I have convinced him into a "business-type agreement" that can be notarized and changed, amended, or canceled without having to do anything legally.

• I had dinner with another (male) friend. When I explained to him why I was somewhat shaken up and overwhelmed, he listened and said, "I've known you a year longer than he has.
  
• I'm relatively certain you would fail the "sound mind and body" part of a legal contract. So, depending on which of you is crazier than the other, I wouldn't open the window for anyone to claim that you or he is nuts.

My "fiancée' calls 12 hours later and asked, "You said "Yes," right?"

I think he has conceded that a "legal" marriage might not be necessary, but he wants me to wear a ring, which is fine to me. I can't find too many negatives about this arrangement.

That, my friends, was a proposal of a lifetime. Even my ex-husband didn't propose, and this was perfect.