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Hi my name is Shelby and I'm an addict

Hi my name is Shelby, and this is the first post in my blog. If you haven't read the blog details yet, go ahead and read that. It's all about me.
Idk if I set this up right. It asked me to choose a topic so idk if I'm accidentally posting in another forum or?
I just typed the blog details and it was quite lengthy so I'm kinda tired now. I'm going to make it a point to come back and try to post in my blog every day.

So... I guess I'll see you tomorrow. :)

Shelby 8/8/23 11:11pm

Make a wish...


I wish to be sober. I wish for Butchy to live a long happy life. I wish for a cool car and a relationship with my mother again.

Comments

8: Who in your life is around because of the circumstances and not by choice? On a scale of 1-10 how valuable are their words when their communicating with you?

8a: The biggest one is people who are doing drugs and don't want to get better (sober). The value of their words is like 1 (if they do drugs and they don't want to get sober) it's a 3 if they do want to get sober it's a 5 if they don't do drugs and they don't want to get better it's a 7 if they are trying to get better and they don't do drugs and it's a 9-10 if they have qualities that I accept and respect and admire AND they're trying to get better.

9: Is their anything you feel you are being forced to accept that feel unnatural to your character?

9a: I feel like most of what is being taught in the beyond sober program is what my soul naturally already knows is right, but my lizard brain doesn't want to wrap it's head around. I'm not having too much problem accepting that I have a problem because I've known for awhile now thanks to shame that I've had problems. I've just misconstrued the whole situation into thinking that I'M the problem. But I just HAVE a problem. I have many problems and that's just one, you know? And it will be okay. I can accept the fact that I'm the one with the problem. It's hard to accept the fact that I AM the problem because I'm not the problem. And I refuse to believe that I am a problem.

10: Who is truly adding value to your life and what are the specific reasons you feel this way about them?

10a: the people that I mentioned before. I think it has to do with them having things that I want.

11: At what point do you feel people are projecting their emotions onto you? Do you feel you are projecting your feeling onto other people? If so, what is the best way for you to recognize that is happening?

11a: I feel like people are projecting their emotions on to me when I feel burnt out on what they have to say. The problem is is I want to get to a place where I know people are doing what they do before I feel burnt out.

I'm going to ask pi what the signs are that someone is projecting their emotions on me...

Pi says: "That's a great question, Shelby! Projection is when someone subconsciously takes their own thoughts, feelings, or emotions and ascribes them to someone else. Here are a few signs that someone might be projecting onto you:

- They may make assumptions about your motives or intentions that don't match up with your actual feelings. For example, if you tell someone you're tired, and they respond with "Oh, you must be mad at me," that might be projection.
- They may become defensive or hostile when you disagree with them, or when you try to express your own feelings.
- They may use language like "you always" or "you never" when talking about you, rather than acknowledging your individuality and unique perspective.

It's important to remember that projection is often a subconscious behavior, and it's not always intentional. But it can still be damaging and hurtful, especially if it's coming from someone close to you."

It comes to my attention that I don't really have that many people that project their emotions onto me. I maybe have in the past when I've made someone upset and their upsetness what coming from an unhealthy place of just wanting me to do better. But I'm grateful that this isn't something I have to deal with a lot these days.

We're halfway through the questions...

Shelby 12/25/23 7:38pm
 
12: What can you begin taking accountability for today that will alter the way you feel about something you have done in the past? You only must accept this information to yourself.

12a: I can take accountability for my sobriety, my emotions, and my actions. I can even take accountability for my addiction and my addictive behaviors. That was a part of me, but in this moment I'm choosing to let them go.

13: Who have you blamed in the past for the actions you have taken to get to this point? Is it really their fault or have you been programmed to blame others first?

13a: I don't really feel like I blame anybody for my addiction. There are times where I see that it was a generational curse that I myself must make an end to, but I don't blame anybody for my actions. That was all on me. And I accept that moving forward.

14: Write down a few guidelines that will help you hold yourself accountable. What are you willing to accept and not willing to negotiate? Healthy boundaries?

14a: um I'm really unsure how to answer this question... I'm going to ask pi to help me think of a few guidlines that will help me hold myself accountable.

Pi says: "Sure, Shelby, here are a few examples of guidelines that you could follow to help hold yourself accountable:

- Set specific, achievable goals: Rather than setting vague or abstract goals, like "be more organized," try to break down your goals into specific, measurable tasks. For example, "I will create a to-do list every morning" or "I will spend 30 minutes organizing my desk on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday."

- Keep a journal: Writing down your thoughts and experiences can help you reflect on your progress and identify areas where you need to improve.

- Find an accountability partner: Find someone you trust who can help you stay on track and offer support and encouragement. This could be a friend, family member, or even a coach or therapist.

- Reward yourself for progress: Acknowledge your small victories and give yourself a pat on the back when you make progress. This can help keep you motivated and on track."

I like those. I don't have many ways to keep myself accountable but I know for sure I'd like to journal. I'd like to continue working the beyond sober program. I'd like to continue working with pi. And I'd like to share my progress and updates with my friend Wendy and I'd like to keep hanging around and finding people who are positive influences on my life. I'd also like to keep my social media to be positive and uplifting and encouraging because if I can't stay off of it, it might as well be a place that encourages me to get to the next level.

15: What has happened recently that you can look at from a curious standpoint and say “I see why that didn’t work” without blaming someone else?

15a: about a year or so ago I was evicted out of my apartment without a place to go and I so badly hated the landlord that did it. But looking back I was kind of a terrible resident... I was doing drugs, I let my dog potty in the yard and I didn't even pick up after him. I let my dog on a leash without anybody to watch him and he would just walk up to random neighbors and I'm sure that it would be scary to have a dog just come up to you. And I would pick at my face so bad and I'm sure other people saw it and could have reported me.

Don't get me wrong I still hate the landlord. But I see how my actions got me kicked out.

16: Do other people’s moods change your mood? If so, who? What is truly motivating you to change your behavior?

16a: Wow these are two big questions.

For the first part yes, other people's moods change my mood. I call this toxic hyperempathy and it's like going into a room and feeling a room before anybody says a word. It's something that I'm recently learning that not everybody deserves my emotions because my emotions are a wonderful fragile complex thing that innately has value.
This is gonna be kind of a sucky answer but what's truly causing me to realize and understand that is it's being taught by the beyond sober program and even if I didn't take much time to realize it before I'm realizing it now because it's being brought to my attention and I know the beyond sober program is trying to move me into a healthier lifestyle so I'm trying to focus on changing my toxic hyperempathy because the beyond sober program is teaching it.

17: Is their anyone in your life you would trade places with? Who are they and what specifically is helping your feel that way? If no…. why not?

17a: no there is barely anybody I would like to trade places with in my life. Mostly because I know I'm the s**t and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Like I know I'm a good person and I know I care and I'm working on being even better and I know that one day I will as a matter of fact get there. I guess I can easily see the flaws in everybody's life and because of that I realize that there's flaws in everybody's life and because of that no I wouldn't want to really trade places with anybody.

Shelby 12/25/23 8:03pm
 
18: What emotions are you struggling with accepting? Write them out and do not explain them to anyone but yourself unless specifically asked.

18a: I know it's not an emotion but I struggle with keeping my own boundaries and not letting other people push me over.

19: Which emotions have you been numbing and what are you excited about learning from that emotion?

19a: I think I've been numbing out happiness and I'm most excited just about being able to feel happiness without shame again. Actually, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever felt true happiness without shame because even before my addiction I felt shame because I was a closeted autistic (both I was gay in the closet and I didn't know I was autistic) and so I felt out of place everywhere I went. Now that I have a label for it I can know what it is when I feel that feeling and choose to feel happiness anyways. God it only took 29 years.

20: Who have you been comparing yourself to and why have you given them so much control over your world?

20a: I'm not too sure I've been comparing myself to anyone thankfully. Actually sometimes I compare myself to my classmates who went on to be very successful in their lives. And I give them the power because I felt like it should have been me to go do successful things in my life like I was the one who should have been successful like I did better than them in school and everything where is MY success you know?

21: What are you MOST excited about on this journey to becoming the healthiest version of yourself?

21a: I'm excited to feel happiness and finally become successful.

As my boss (the front office manager) once said "failure to launch just means it's a hard time getting started failure to launch doesn't mean you won't be successful forever"

And it's time don't ya think? I'm ready for my own success.

Shelby 12/25/23 8:16pm
 
Okay I finished the second (out of six I think i previously said 27 but I think that's the amount of videos or something) module. I'm assuming there's homework and I'm going to post it here.
Shelby 12/26/23 5:35pm
 
Today is day two without any **** and I'm so tired... I'm in withdrawal and I feel like crying about everything. I could go back but I don't want to but I'm so tired... I want to work on my homework but I've worked all day... Maybe I can just do the first question or something... Yeah... That seems doable...

Shelby 12/27/23 8:35pm
 
1: What habits do you have that are helping you move forward and what habits are in place because you have been doing them forever?

1a: I'm drinking water. I'm working on my recovery by watching beyond sober videos and doing my homework. I'm talking to pi and letting pi know how I really feel. And I'm Journaling. The habits I've had forever is obviously doing drugs and letting people walk all over my emotions. Today at work I felt overwhelemed just because everybody else did. I don't know why I let them make me feel that way. I am my own person with my own emotions.

OK... One question down... I do feel better.

Shelby 12/27/23 8:37pm
 
2: Name a few habits that speak to you, and you actively want to add into your daily routine. (Drinking water, Exercise, Complimenting people etc.)

OH exercise most definitely. I want a better body and I want it to fullfill me in the way my addiction did. Just being honest. I'm already drinking water. And I want to continue. And I'm journaling and want to continue. And I want to continue being kind without letting people walk all over me with their emotions.

Shelby 12/27/23 8:49pm
 
3: Name a few healthy thoughts you feel will improve your mood and add an action you would like to associate with that thought (I am happy and love dancing, or I dance when I am happy)

3a: I will drink water when I have a negative emotion, and then I will drink water

Shelby 12/28/23 1:48pm
 
It's day 3 without anything. And I'm feeling a little better. Mostly because at my work we were undergoing inspection and we passed inspection. So things are a lot less overwhelming now. I can finally relax at work a little bit. The drugs leave your body 72 hours after you take them so they will be officially leaving my body today. Exciting!
I'll post more homework today.
Shelby 12/28/23 5:14pm
 
Me to me rn: ***** you doing a good job ***** you doing a good job
OK I won't make this post pointless let's work on some homework...

4: What is the opposite of the bad habit you would like to eliminate (Alcohol with water, Negative thoughts with constructive habits)?
4a: meth with water and exercise and journaling

5: What emotions do you feel when you think about that bad habit and what NEW emotion would you like to associate that with? (I feel sad when I think about alcohol and want to feel empowered)

5a: I feel a lot of shame when I think back to my addiction but recently (like within the last couple years) I've been learning to think of it in a way as to "that's what I needed at the time and it's what got me through life and that's okay"
 
6: Who are you surrounded by (online or offline) that has the greatest impact on your happiness and who is influencing you because of your proximity?

6a: right now I'm surrounded by my friend Wendy and my boss in real life (my boss is actually clean but I don't ever really tell her what I'm going through but it's still inspiring to hear her story)

7: When you want to feel safe, who is the first person that comes to mind that you can trust with your emotions? Who do you feel you need to please daily?

7a: wow these are two separate questions. My friend Wendy is someone that I feel safe with my emotions. And pi. And my dog. For whom I need to please daily? Not a damn soul except my own lol.

8: What healthy habits have you started in the past that you gave up on because you did not see the results fast enough? Are you patient enough to manage them now?

8a:i started on my sobriety many times but I kept giving up. Idk if I'm patient enough now but I know patience is a key factor in harboring sobriety.

9: What are the people around you practicing? (Thoughts, food, fitness, Netflix) Write down what you feel are their habits. Are their habits your habits too?

9a: The people around me aren't practicing healthy habits like exercising but that's okay at least they're not practicing meth use.

10: Name a few people you can trust with your emotions. These are people that will celebrate with you when you succeed. Can you be 100% open with these people?

10a: Wendy I can trust Wendy with my emotions and yes I can be 100 with her

Shelby 12/28/23 6:00pm
 
(I worked through some of the questions with Wendy)

19: What emotions are you comfortable letting go of at this moment and how you do plan to practice letting them go moving forward?

19a: I want to let go of needing something right now, and I plan to let it go by practicing mindfulness in my body.
I also want to let go of the fear of failure. I want to let this go by achieving great things and affirmations and being kinder to myself when I do fail.


20: Which is a healthier thought? “How much is this going to cost me? Or “Is this an investment that’s right for me”? Write one sentence explaining your answer.

20a: I would say is this an investment that's right for me? Because it helps me choose in that moment if something is healthy or not

21: Which emotion scares you the most? Why?

21a: probably perfectionism or the fear of failure because it leads me to be inconsistent with my actions

22: Without thinking too hard or applying your emotions, what is the point of answering these questions? Why do you believe that?

22a: the point of all of this is to expand my mind and to catch the ways I have been inconsistent with my actions so hopefully moving forward I can catch them on the fly instead of having to look back and realize them

23: What is the latest situation you feel you overcomplicated because of the way you applied your emotions? Why did you choose that emotion?

23a: I overcomplicate everything but can't think of a situation in which I overcomplicated something. Maybe this question. Because I want to be right and do well. What a trip.

24: Do you agree that because you are answering this question that you are improving your quality of life? Why or why not? How do you intend to use your answer in everyday life?

24a: I think it's making me think about my ways and because of that I'm improving my quality of life. I'm not sure how I intend to use these in my everyday life though hopefully I'll remember some of what I said here.

25: Name seven external influences that no longer deserve your emotions and energy. (Friend, work, school etc.)

25a: meth, people who do meth, Bobby, Kenneth, when people get overwhelmed, when people get angry, trying to save people because they feel like they need saved

Shelby 12/28/23 10:09pm
 
So I'm not even going to lie. I got high last night. I crumbled. And then today my dealer came in and handed me the pipe and I was too weak to say no at the moment.

But I've decided to keep pushing forward with the beyond sober program. I'm not going to let this stop me in my tracks like I almost did like I almost didn't post about this but if I'm going to move forward with the program it means I'm going to have homework and I will need a place to post it so I might as well just come here and be honest and try try again. Tomorrow will be day one for me again, and sure I'm dissapointed... But I'm going to give myself some grace and move on.

So... The next post will be my module three homework. Module three was more about practicing and habits.

I learned a couple things at least from this module... One that I need to move my body more... Like I need to take Butchy (my dog) out for walks more often and I'm choosing not to. Why? Because my plate is so full from work. That's the first thought that popped into my head.

Maybe it would be worth it to see if I could go back down to part time.

Plus I'll need to be part time when I start merit america so I can focus on that.

Oh BTW I'm going to go to computer coding boot camp. I'm sure I won't land the most amazing job after like maybe an IT help desk kind of thing, but hopefully I'll be making more money than what I'm making now. Because my worth is more than what this hotel has to offer. So my plan is to get a laptop with my tax refunds and start the program.

Shelby 12/30/23 9:51pm
 
Alright here we go...

1: What is a phrase you can align with your new healthy habits? (“I don’t like drinking water, I love it”)

1a: something like "I don't mind exercise because it adds years to my life" or "I like journaling because it's one of the few places I can truly be myself"

2: What does “Self-love” mean to you? Write a list of things you WANT to do for yourself that will help you practice caring for your mental of physical wellbeing.

2a: self love means loving who you are for what you are.

Actually, I'm kinda stumped about it, let me ask pi.

Pi says: "Self-love is a journey of learning to appreciate, accept, and value yourself for who you are, rather than what you do or what others think of you. It's about recognizing your own worth and treating yourself with kindness, compassion, and respect.

Self-love involves accepting your flaws and imperfections, and recognizing that you're worthy of love and respect regardless of your mistakes or shortcomings. It also involves setting healthy boundaries, taking care of your physical and mental well-being, and pursuing your passions and interests.

Self-love is not the same as self-indulgence or selfishness. It's about prioritizing your own needs and growth without neglecting the needs of others. It's about finding a healthy balance between self-care and consideration for others.

Ultimately, self-love is a journey of discovering and accepting your true self, and embracing your unique qualities and gifts. It's about embracing the idea that you're worthy of love, just as you are. "

Good answer, pi.

For part two of the question... There's a lot I want to do for myself but the biggest one is to get sober. I want to exercise. I want to go to the library and read books. I want to quit vaping.

Shelby 12/30/23 10:05pm
 
3: What are a few ways you intend on listening to other people’s stories without reacting with an emotion? (Ex: listen and not fuel the negative energy of their story)

3a: oooh this is such a good question because I have the hyperempathy thing, you know? Um... I feel like as long as I can learn to differentiate my emotions from their emotions and say to myself "this is their emotion and their job to work through" I can remain in a healthy place. I cannot, any longer, be taking on the emotions of other people just because that's what they're projecting onto me on this day. It's killing me. See what's happening is I'm taking all the emotion I feel and internalizing it, I'm bottling it up, and I can't stand it at the end of the day because I've felt so much so deeply and so this is where the meth comes in it helps me unwind, it helps me focus my thoughts on one thing (usually sex or porn) instead of being so.... SQUIRREL... you know? It helps me unmask... So what I'm feeling through the day significantly has an impact on my addiction... So I've got to seperate my feelings from theirs and just be a bystander. Doesn't mean I can't help them through it but just because someone is crying it doesn't mean I have to feel sad or upset.

4: Thinking aloud and speaking to yourself is healthy. What type of conversations to you intend to practice having with yourself? (Ex: Talking myself through an emotion)

4a: I would like to be able to talk myself down when I'm feeling really triggered to use again, but I evidently have a hard time with that. :( I would like to have gentler conversations with myself instead of "why didn't you" or "if I was only" I would like to say something like "I'm not perfect and that's okay" (pi came up with that one) or maybe something like "I can do things imperfectly because I'm simply human" and "my mistakes still mean I'm worthy of love"

5: Who have you listened to that you know you should not have that contributed to why you did not follow your heart? What is the underlying pressure from that person?

5a: so I think a good example of this is my dealer handing me that pipe... It's not that he said anything but I followed along when I shouldn't have. Why did I not follow my heart (my sobriety)? Because I was letting him dominate my emotions for his own leverage...

Wow. That was the first thought that popped into my head again.

The underlying pressure is that he wants me to be addicted so he can make money from me. And that sucks. I really can't wait for tax season to come. I'm not placing all my happiness in the future, I just really want away from this dude. He knows I'm too weak to say no and he capitalizes on it. The actual f**k?!

6: Which is more important to you moving forward? Immediate gratification or practicing patience? Explain your answer.

6a: I think the question wants me to answer practicing patience and while that is more important than immediate gratification I can see how I need to replace the meth with something that will similarly give me an energy boost and help me unmask so I'm going to say both are important... Until I can get through meth withdrawals though.

7: Name three people you believe are a healthy influencing in your life. These are the three people you know are living a life of health and happiness. Who can you truly look up to without questioning their motives?

7a: my friend Wendy... Kohdi, the creator of beyond sober... And my own damn self lol jkjkjk I'm not sure that I have a third person. And maybe that's my clue as to go and get a third person... I used to have all sorts of healthy people in my life but it's becoming obvious to me that within the shell of my addiction I've become very very self isolated... So it might be time to fix that too.

8: When evaluating a healthy habit (eating food, drinking water, reading) which part of the habit is most frustrating to you? What is has motivated you to continue thinking that way?

8a: probably the starting of it. Like I'm fine once I'm doing the healthy habit, I just have such a hard time STARTING it. What has motivated me to continue thinking this way? I guess because in past experience it's always been hard for me to start tasks.

9: If everything we do is preparing us for success tomorrow, what are some important healthy things you would like to do today to see the results later?

9a: um well drinking water is one... Journaling here is another one. Working the beyond sober program is another one. And thinking about exercising is a big one. Maybe even a little few seconds of meditation.

10: Name some activities, people, or projects you invested time in that did not give you the gratification you wanted but knew that if you gave it more time you would have seen amazing results (Ex: Diet, friendships, book)

10a: my sobriety number one... I was also walking Butchy there for awhile and I stopped because it got really hot.

11: Happiness stems from celebrating the little things. What are some little things in your life that you can begin celebrating and feeling successful with? (Ex: Drinking water, not overreacting, not drinking alcohol)

11a: well the 4 days of sobriety I had has to count for something, right? I'm really proud of that. And I'm proud because my dealer came in again and offered me the pipe again and I said no. And another dealer messaged me asking if I wanted some drugs and I said no. And I'm journaling and I'm using pi and I'm drinking a lot of water. I'm actually doing pretty good now that I think about it. Isn't it so funny that I let the one thing effect my whole life? Like I let my addiction rule my whole world like when I mess up I'm legitimately feeling bad the whole day.

Shelby 12/30/23 10:56pm
 
12: If practice makes progress, then what do you genuinely want to be the best at moving forward with your happiness and sobriety? (Ex: Patience, objective thinking, time management)
12a: doing things imperfectly, self love, being kinder towards myself
13: Write down some accomplishments you can begin talking about today. (Big or small)
13a: I'm 50% of the way done with beyond sober!
14: What is ONE thing you have learned about yourself while answering these questions. (Really think about it)
14a: I have learned that I WANT to be genuinely kinder to myself...
15: The healthier your body, the healthier your mind. What physical activities would you consider adding to your daily routine? (Ex: Walking, jogging, Jump rope)
15a: walking/running on the treadmill, cycling, walking Butchy wootchie around the trailer court.
16: A healthy mindset focuses on what we like about ourselves and our surroundings. Look in the mirror and point our five thinks you like about what you see. Write those down.
16a: I like the way I'm dressed, I like the color of my eyes, I like that my skin is not dry (today), I like how my hair is styled even though it's much too long, I like that there's kindness in my eyes... Not gonna lie it took a really long time to think of these...
17: Write down 3-character traits about your personality you refuse to change because you feel it is a defining characteristic of your authenticity. (Ex: creative, honest, straight forward)

17a: I'm empathetic, I'm honest, aaaaaannnnndddddd I'm working on myself

18: What do you love?

18a: ooooh big question... So let's start off simple... I love my dog. In a way I love my roommate... I love people who are the life of the party. I love cool rainy days. I love things that appear to be magic on the outside... Like people who are really talented... I love working on myself... I love Dr Pepper even though I can't drink it anymore bc of my fatty liver. I love people that are working on themselves... I love love.

19: What makes you happy? What does not make you happy?

19a: everything listed above makes me pretty damn happy.

What makes me unhappy? Drugs. People that do drugs. Days above 75 degrees. When my dog leaves the couch I'm cuddling him on. Idk I feel like this list is a lot more narrow than I gave it credit for... I'm sure there's a lot that makes me unhappy... The overwhelming feeling that I feel stuck in my addiction. The fact that I keep talking about exercise but never do it. The fact that Butchy very well might have diabetes and I'm not sure what to do about it. Summertime. Not drinking enough water. Feeling dehydrated... See I knew there would be more... When others capitalize on my weeknesses for their own benifits.

20: What are the ten core things you need to schedule into your daily routine that MUST happen to sustain your lifestyle (Ex: Kids, school, breakfast)

20a: were going to come back to this because I know it's important but at this point I could make a schedule and I wouldn't even follow it. I think getting put back to part time might help.

Shelby 12/30/23 11:27pm
 
21: What are 10 NEW activities that you will add to your routine to help you practice happiness, manage your time, and move towards a stress-free lifestyle? (Ex: 8:30 am meditation, Salad at lunch, TV off at 5pm)

21a: again I'm not going to be able to think of ten but I would like to put exercise and meditation and time to just read in my schedule for the start of the new year

22: Write down your greatest accomplishments since starting this program. Next, make a social media post or tell a friend what you have learned.

22a: one great accomplishment is switching from other drinks/pop to just strictly water.

I think here letting you guys know what I'm going through is enough right?

23: What does “Allowing yourself to evolve” mean to you. Explain below.

23a: allowing myself to evolve means moving forward... It means not doing the things anymore that keep me stuck... i.e. Drugs... It means learning coping strategies it means moving myself in the forward direction of life... Accepting... That my past is my past and I need to stop revisiting it.

24: If giving all your attention to what ISN’T working is amplifying the problem, write down what IS working for you and give examples of how you intend to focus more on those solutions.

24a: well journaling is working for me for sure... And I would like to come here every time I get triggered... But when I'm triggered I shut out the whole world.

OK... I felt like the last answer was half assed but we're done with the homework...

Tomorrow I will be moving on to module 4 he calls it "back to the future" which I'm excited about.

Shelby 12/30/23 11:42pm
 

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