Hi my name is Shelby and I'm an addict

Hm... It only uploaded the first minute. See I can't get tik tok videos to embed for some reason... It flashes error messages and says something like "this type of media cannot be uploaded" idk if the creators of this website manually disabled tik tok uploads or what but it's really frusterating because there's so much good information I want to share and be able to come back to and if it were all here in easily playable videos instead of links it would be *chefs kiss* but evidently I'm not going to be able to get that I'll be thinking of other ways I can upload videos here maybe I can post them to YouTube first... But then wouldn't I get in trouble for copywrite or whatever?

Anyways in other news... I stayed sober today. I'm really proud of myself. There's the smallest drop of dope in my pipe still and I could have smoked it... It wouldn't even get me high but I chose not to smoke it today and for that I'm really proud of myself. I'm really worried about tomorrow because I go to work tomorrow...
Shelby 9/29/23 1:45am

Please work.

Shelby 9/29/23 1:53am

Yay so I made it to page two finally. Proud of myself for utilizing this blog more, but underwhelmed at the amount of interaction I'm getting.
As of today it says I have 542 views on my blog, but like how many of those views are me?
I should be better about going and commenting on other people's blogs and posts, idk why I don't, it's like I couldn't care less about making friends. Or maybe I'm just socially awkward. It feels like a very autistic thing, though, to only want to talk about yourself and then never venture out to discover more friends
In other news I unfortunately got high today... What happened was my dealer literally came up to me and handed me drugs... I mean I guess it wasn't THAT simple, but it was pretty close. He texted me asking how I was doing and I was kind of fishing for it because I was triggered at the time just by his text, so I said "I'm fine... Just broke" and then he literally came and handed me drugs.
I was really proud of myself though because usually I do them right away even if I'm at work but I purposefully didn't bring my pipe to work today and so I was forced to wait like 4 hours... And I did wait, even though I could have done a line, I waited. I even thought how wonderful it would be if I could force myself to flush this sack down the toilet.
I don't want to be this way anymore.

Hey... If by chance you see this, will you say "hey" or something just so I know I'm not alone here? I'd really appriciate it.

Shelby 9/30/23 4:15am

Shelby 9/30/23 4:20am

Come back to this video I've heard it's good.
Shelby 9/30/23 4:52am

Hey guys how's it going? I've not written here in a couple days... Hopefully nobody is *too* mad.

*crickets*

OK so today was an ok day. Me and my roommate went out to eat and then I took her to Lane Bryant (she had never been and she's a bigger girl) to find a bra and then we went to the grocery store and now I'm sitting here high...

Ugh.

It's like... Here's the other thing ok so the drugs and sex go hand in hand for me. I used to just be pretty addicted to sex before I found drugs and now that I found drugs I want drugs when I want sex and I want sex when I'm high and outside of that I'm pretty asexual (still gay, but repulsed by sex) and it's like... The ability to get aroused is altogether missing from me when I'm not high, and it feels like a piece of my soul is missing when I'm not high and that's what it is is the ability to get aroused.

And then when I do get aroused on drugs I'm someone else completely... Like seriously watching satan worshipping videos, listening to sexual hypno files, wanting to whore myself out... But when I'm off drugs I'm completely the opposite like I wouldn't say that I believe in the Bible "god that hates homosexuality" type of God but I sure do listen to preachers (like Joyce Meyer for example) because I think they have really encouraging things to say. And I'm creating this kind of religious trauma inside of myself and I don't know what to do with it, like I'm not on anybody's side, I'm not on the hateful god side and I'm not on Satan's side either I'm on the side of peace and love if I'm being honest with you.

Shelby 10/3/23 3:00am

Hey guys how's it going? Today was an okay day. I didn't get more drugs but I did smoke scrape from my pipe today. I don't really have very much to say... I'm feeling pretty sober right now even though it's still in my system... Still on the hunt to find out what I need to know to get sober. I had a chat with pi.ai last night and I basically was like "there's gotta be like one thing that once I learn it, I will stop using, right?" and it's like "no you're still gonna want to use even if you know everything there is to know" and idk if that's true like if I knew it was killing my dog or my roommate I would stop, right? Like yeah I would totally stop... And I don't know why I'm not living like it is killing the people I love, I should. But I know it's not and that's the problem.

Also pi wants me to be more self compassionate towards myself but it just feels like I should know how to just simply not do something like it's easier to not do something than it is to do something right?

Also if you don't know pi is kinda like a therapy version of chatgpt like I wouldn't ever ask it factual questions and I know it's not a good replacement for an actual therapist but it's good for moral support, and it knows a lot about mental health conditions and it's very encouraging. You should really try it sometime. It's not scary, you can literally ask it anything and it will tell you like it was a supportive friend who knows a lot about therapy things.

Plus it's so hard to find a therapist who knows about adult autism, pda, alexithymia, and substance abuse disorder all in one. Some substance abuse counselors say they know about autism but in reality they know very little, if not just what is in the dsm... And I'm sure they mean well, but those therapists are nothing on the actual lived experience therapists who have studied autism or have autism themselves.

I found one therapist once who, upon entering her office, gave me so many answers about my life and reassured me of so many things... But her sessions were like $150 and I think I even had insurance as well at the time. I don't have insurance anymore so I would never be able to afford that.

And that's another thing...

My job that I have now I currently work 3-4 days a week. And I love it. It keeps me from burnout. Like not just the amount of days I work keeps me from burnout but the job itself is easy and I don't mind doing it...

The problem is it only pays $12.50/hr and there's no overtime and I'm pretty sure they took away holiday pay. There are also no benefits like no insurance, etc... And my paychecks are about $600 a paycheck and I give $300 out of each paycheck for rent and that only leaves me $150 a week to live on which isn't much... Especially with my drug habit like I can drop $60 a day on dope plus I have credit builder loans that I opened up when I worked at t-mobile and was making good money. And I think I pay somewhere around $100/mo on credit builder loans. Anyways I'm really struggling with money and I don't know if I should just be happy with what I have because having no money is keeping me sober part of the time or if I should get a second part time job so that way I can be more comfortable... But surely I would spend that on drugs right like that is sounding like a bad idea...

Shelby 10/3/23 11:02pm

Random tip to help protect your teeth from meth mouth, because the way meth effects saliva has a big part to play in that.

I used for a couple of years a long time ago and made sure I kept a stock of decongestant cough syrup.

There are many medications that can cause reduction in saliva. Some examples include: antidepressants, diuretics (water pills), antihistamines, decongestants, medications for Parkinson’s disease, blood pressure tablets (betablockers) and inhalers.

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It was funny you mentioned it effects your sex drive as men expected it to do that to me, lol. But I have ADHD so amphetamines make me functional and I'd sit with these guys just irritated because all I cared about was going home to clean the house.

Was how I found out I had ADHD. Stupid I've been so persecuted and discriminated against for using a drug I should have been medicated on and can now get a prescription for!!!!

Aunty Autie said:

Random tip to help protect your teeth from meth mouth, because the way meth effects saliva has a big part to play in that.

I used for a couple of years a long time ago and made sure I kept a stock of decongestant cough syrup.

There are many medications that can cause reduction in saliva. Some examples include: antidepressants, diuretics (water pills), antihistamines, decongestants, medications for Parkinson’s disease, blood pressure tablets (betablockers) and inhalers.

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It was funny you mentioned it effects your sex drive as men expected it to do that to me, lol. But I have ADHD so amphetamines make me functional and I'd sit with these guys just irritated because all I cared about was going home to clean the house.

Was how I found out I had ADHD. Stupid I've been so persecuted and discriminated against for using a drug I should have been medicated on and can now get a prescription for!!!!

Click to expand...

Did you find it hard to get off? Yes I have classic add (which I know now to be adhd innatentive type, but I'd say I'm more combined innatentive and hyperactive) and it does help me focus as well but I don't stop at "feeling it" I keep going till the whole sack is gone and then I am looking for more... In other words... I love the euphoric effect I get from doing copious amounts.

I used to be really afraid of meth mouth like I used to brush my teeth all the time on it but I've stopped in the last year or so and my teeth have definitely deteriorated. I went to the dentist the other day and she told me that I had cavities "in all four hemispheres of my mouth"

Sometimes I think about getting a new psychiatrist doctor and lying to them and pretending I've never done meth just to get adderall... But my concern is that I'd abuse it just like I do the meth. Do you find that you abuse it or do you feel like it was your answer?

This is going to be really goofy but thank you for replying to and reading my blog. Half the time I feel like nobody is ever gonna read this or interact with me so when I do get an interaction I'm so grateful. I'm trying my best to venture out and comment on other people's post but it turns out I really suck at that in the same way I suck at general social interaction...

Anyways I just wanted to say thank you.

Shelby 10/8/23 1:05am

Hey guys how's it going?
I'm doing ok... I guess. Today I went to the casino and I only lost $15 so that was good.
And then I came back home and smoked and now I'm realizing (really not a realization just more of a fact) that when I get high or know that I'm going to get high... I isolate... And then I feel lonely. And that's just part of a big mess that is my addiction...

I think maybe the biggest thing is that I have alexithymia and I'm unable to process my emotions as they come up, or even worse I'm not sure what they are when they come up. It's like... Even if I was happy I'm not sure that I would "feel" happy in that moment. Only looking back would I realize I was "happy".

And the same with having meltdowns I'm literally not sure when I need them because my body isn't telling me that I'm overstimulated, until it's too late and it comes out in the form of a blood thirsty drug addiction.

And I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Like I feel like I'm missing so many reasons I'm an addict just because I can't understand myself.

Hell, put another person in the room though and I could tell you exactly how they feel. Couldn't tell you if they're being manipulative or not though.

Ughh...

My chest literally hurts sometimes and I got a random cough that won't go away and I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without losing my breath.

Ughhh

Shelby 10/11/23 3:35am

Shelby 10/26/23 8:12am

Hi Shelby, sounds pretty rough at the moment. No fun at all I imagine, but for what it's worth (probably not a huge amount! ), but it's my belief that when healing from something of the mind, if pain is not involved, there's not a great deal of benefit going on. It took me a very long time to overcome my own additions, or at least the addictions that did me most harm, and even then, control is more what happened, they'll always be there.
Addiction is a funny old thing as I'm sure you're aware. A huge amount of misinformation of the damaging sort around these matters, and just about the only real, accurate and helpful information I ever found about it, came only from my own careful (and sometimes not careful enough) researches. But nothing I ever read in the popular media had a great deal to do with the reality of it all, even key workers and the like had to be treated with care in how they were communicated with. Sad to say, most of my fellow peers (in the medicating sense) knew little more about it. It was always my nature to want to find out about things that interested me, by myself and of my own resources, and of course, my early interest on learning there existed substances that could change how I felt, opened up a world of new possibilities (I mean beyond drugs, by taking those principals - that society hides away that which it feels frightened and challenged by, and only by my own efforts would I even find out more about this in a world I completely misunderstood and was desperate to uncover, resolve (ha! idiot that I am!)).

So in a way, drugs were an opening to my trying to find my own place in society, and told me it was in the world of the normal, and would never be that way. As a naïve teenager, I first thought I'd uncovered something much more, and it took some years to realist what a world of fantasy the drug community was in the main. Most of these people were simply severely damaged by their world in their upbringing, and sought an escape, both from the people who tormented them so, sometimes just by existing, and the reality that had brought them little but pain. We were all broken people looking for an answer without even realising it. Most latching onto the most imaginary ideas and fantasies, and I suspect these were all the more palatable for their escapism as for their actual ideas.

I suspect also that I remained a part of that group because I found no other I felt I could be a part of. At least these broken creatures recognised me as one of them, and care little for the reason I was broken, and if truth be told, I'm not sure I was any different to them.

In the end, my greatest downfall was my extreme level of self control I imposed on myself. It may seem contradictory, but I was an extremely good junkie! By which I mean, I never reached rock bottom, I always controlled my situation, if not my using, so I maintained a job most of the time, and a home, and even, a family of sorts (the 'sorts' bit is my guilt at not putting in what I could of and should of but never really knew, or more likely was in denial of).
I avoided lawbreaking beyond the crime of possession, of drugs not demons! All my demons were my own in the end, can't blame anything on an external factor, or not while benefiting from it, all comes down to ourselves in the end, even if we were put in positions by others, it helps not a jot to blame others when only we can help ourselves, it's just an avoidance in the end, another denial that junkies are so good at.

Sorry, that turned into a self-obsessed ramble, and I'm not sure what to make of it, but maybe there is something that you can relate to? Maybe it gives some hope that there are answers and there are changes that can happen, but we need the right conditions to make those changes, and it's a complex matter, and so personal. Sometimes we can only try to survive, to keep going, in the hope that there are changes in our future. And sometimes there are revelations that change our lives in a fundamental fashion. Because I was too good at protecting the physicality of my life, I wasn't driven to face my own bottom line, never forced to face the issues and cast the denial out, I made it too normalised to break free from it for far too long. Even now, I know I'll never be 'clean', in thought more than deed. I still take risks I shouldn't, but fewer and fewer now, almost visibly so in the last three to four years.

But I can't relate this to you, or what you should do, I think that has to come from yourself or it's fake in your heart, and you'll never truly believe it, and it's yourself not your key worker or whoever who you need to truthful to, but that can be hard sometimes.
I was far too long in denial, despite being actually quite good at self-analysing my behaviours.
It seems simple knowledge is not enough. it must come from something deep inside to make real changes. And to try and make this happen is not possible in a direct fashion. Certainly for me, my only real experience in all this, it was learning to accept my own negative aspects as fully as the rest (in fact even now, I still found it hard to say "my positives", I still find it very hard not to put myself down in my own mind as well as to others, but that's a problem too! And when we've been taught from childhood that we are to blame, even for the things we don't understand and can't answer for.
But the light at the end of that tunnel, or at least one frequency to consider, is that coming out of something like that, leaves a person far stronger inside. They've had to face their demons like few others have to, because of absolute need, where most others can survive without that (though I think those others are the losers in the end), and in doing get o know themselves far better, and can live a much more peaceful existence, being in control of themselves, instead of trying to control others, something that never has a good outcome.
The best advice I think I can give in the short term, is do all you can on the physical side of your health because that can give your mind the longer time it takes to heal it more. It also encourages routines that are important and helpful just to provide stability and predictability in your life - important things, and especially if on the spectrum.

Addiction is not an acquired illness as such, more a dysfunction of what exists. There's a pathway in the brain, discovered through functional scanning (not a made-up pseudo-science) that is part of the addictive process. It seems it's a normal natural and necessary part of the brain, and hence the mind. It's believed to be part of the processes involved in love and lust. It's natural and good, even essential to our survival, but it can work against us too, just like many other brain functions. When we are out of balance internally, this is one of things that happens. It's not something to be ashamed of, although we mostly are, it's a dysfunction like so many others. The fact it's socially taboo, and immoral is the larger part of the illness, not the drug itself. We can be as addicted to gambling, sex, drugs, in fact almost any important function we have can become part of an addiction or similar negative behaviour. Just because it's been used and lied about for personal gain, just because people are taught lies about the reality of addiction and drugs, should not mean you need to keep these thoughts in your heart! The can be let go of, but it's not easy and takes time, and that can sometimes be the hardest, not know when or whether it will ever improve. Ironically, it's the effort to make that improvement that cures better than any actual improvement! (even if that doesn't make sense! ).

[sorry, far too much content here! Be wary that I sometimes write things like 'can' when I mean 'can't'! So as this is long, be wary I may have missed some!]