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Here comes trouble

By Raggamuffin · Sep 6, 2021 ·
  1. No dizziness since Friday. So coffee was the cause it seems. Yet I made myself a coffee on Sunday. I poured it down the sink in the end, because as much as I craved it - I couldn't justify feeling dizzy.

    The weekend was fairly standard. I met Jack a couple of times. We had an evening smoke on Friday and then on Saturday he picked up some tweed for me and then we met up at the park and chatted for a few hours before we went to McDonald's and got a bite to eat. Carried on chatting and then drove back to the park near his. It's my favourite of the local parks. It's massive and surrounded by very old and very large trees. Asides from cricket, it's barely used. We did our usual routine and sat on one the frame of one of the large sight screens they have at the edge of the park; for the cricket players.

    Sunday I spent mostly playing PSU. I voice chatted with one of the guys a few times on the weekend. When another joined the voice chat I went to my usual "mute observer role". Later in the evening a load of us got together to run 6 rares back to back that we'd found. Basically when you complete any mission you have a tiny chance of being rewarded a rare. Then you can choose 1 of 4 missions and they have hugely boosted exp, mission points and rare items that only drop there. We all arranged to meet at 19:30. They all jumped on voice chat and kept taunting me for not wanting to join. 3 people individually having a go at me multiple times for being an "antisocial p***k" and such like. I've had this experience quite a bit throughout life. Especially people I seem to leave a good impression on. But I see nothing positive in constantly nagging me to do something that I said straight from the start that I didn't want to do. Pestering me like a petulant child is only testing my patience.

    Speaking of, I encountered the perfect example of why I hate kids and never want them. Had my window open in my bedroom and heard a toddler child screaming "But I want it!" then shrieking at the top of her lungs. Screaming the demand again and letting out another, deafening and high pitched scream. The dad's voice was clearly trying to remain calm but losing patience. In the end he walked off and left her and she started screaming and crying "Daddy don't leave me." I cannot relate to people's swooning over children. They literally disgust and infuriate me. Maybe if my mental health was in a better place, I'd be more accepting. One thing I do notice when kids are playing - they're just being themselves. When did we lose that? When did we start to mask? When did parents and teachers start to shout at us to "act our age". Feels like I can't be my real self around many people at all. I tend to save it all for when I'm on my own. Sad really.

    Sometimes I wonder about the company I keep. Sure, most of the people I know I can have a laugh with. But they often make me feel uncomfortable. Especially with language they use - swearing all the time. Completely unnecessary in my opinion. Something I liken to youngsters doing. I hear it a lot up at the park. Kids who and teenagers swear a lot when they hang out. As if they think it's cool, or it emphasises their point. Perhaps they have limited vocabulary? Or perhaps they're just stupid and raised badly.

    Hearing 30 year olds swearing constantly doesn't appeal. In a group chat too, they tend to get rowdy on Discord. I usually want to leave within minutes, but sometimes stay for hours. Why? But whenever I just want to play the same game with them without voice chat, all of a sudden I'm subjected to verbal abuse and taunts. Back when I drank, the VC could be more fun as the mask began to slip and I said what I wanted. I was less of a spectator and would actively participate. Usually playing the fool though - to get people laughing etc. But there's another guy like that and he does it nonstop when he has an audience. Problem is - I don't think he's funny. But he reels off joke after joke and it goes from awkward to tedious within about a minute. But he'll be at it for over an hour. Truth be told, if I said my actual thoughts during such moments, I don't think I'd have any friends. This joker has a very dark sense of humour, but I don't find his jokes amusing. He recycles a lot of stand up comedians jokes that I've heard before. But he always claims to have made them up. Also, I don't think that being disgusting just for the sake of it is funny. He constantly comes up with disgusting scenarios involving racism, rape and such like. Then again, the other people in the group think he's funny. Strange really, when it's just me and him I'm the one making him laugh all the time. Odd that it's a role reversal.

    I guess everyone on here lives with varying degrees of social discomfort and awkwardness. I'm under no illusion there exists a person who'd tick all my boxes and not annoy me, or make me feel unsettled. Having lost many best friends, I notice the other people I've met along the way are little more than filler. The good guys are settled down, and I don't see them much, and the best friends all moved abroad.

    Caught up at work still. Took 5 hours to have nothing left to do for the day. Not good for a Monday. I'm going to have to find things to pre-occupy my time this week, otherwise things are going to drag. I might install Kindle on my PC and have a small windowed version of it on my screen and read books during the quiet periods. It'd suit me well as I can't read for prolonged periods, and there'll be calls and such to break up the reading.

    Contacted all but one company with regards to changing address. Going to do that last one tonight. Also got to chase the estate agent at the end of the week. Realistically it'll be w/c 20th September before we get our money from the sale I reckon. I emailed an East Anglian contact for the Swedish style homes from the company which seemed like the best of the one's I'd looked into. Hopefully get a call from them this week on my lunch break. If I hear nothing by Wednesday afternoon I'll go through the main site and get a call back.

    Did a lot of staffing on the weekend. It was quite warm yesterday. Hot the next 3 days too. Then the warm weather will break. I hope that's the last hot weather for the year. 29C on Tue and Wed means I can't staff in my usual spot. I went to the shady spot today and it's not nice. It's a line of trees, a line of grass, next to a footpath that runs alongside the workshop of our company. The view is depressing, the noise is constant and there's the occasional smell of paint and chemicals etc. It's not what I'd call a relaxing place to staff.

    The park in the village is pleasant enough. Fairly busy on weekends, and the background noise of kids isn't pleasant. I had no chats with anyone whilst staffing this weekend. Only went cycling once last week too. Not sure I'll go until the hot weather ends on Thursday. Jack was saying he needs a road bike as he can't go the distance on his BMX anymore. It'd be nice if he did get a bike as I wouldn't mind company for some of my bike rides.

    Money looks like it'll be ok this month. I should have £75 to my name after all bills come out. Mainly hinges on next Friday's first root canal treatment. They had me pay £180 deposit. I'm not sure how much the rest was. I seem to have a figure of £450 in my head. So I managed my finances around it costing £500 and hopefully it'll be fine.

    Speaking of money worries, there's a new guy who started last week on the parts team. He turned up to his first day at work in shorts and a hoodie. That annoyed me. On day 2 I noticed he's settled right in with office "banter". I'm guessing he's a bit of a lad as he was joking around and had people laughing etc. Easy for some eh? Spent the last part of today's lunch in my car as the shady staffing location isn't pleasant. I see him get into a VW Golf R. I feel really defeated when I see people in nice cars. It all adds to that core belief of not feeling good enough and feeling unworthy.

    I found it ironic that I was told by someone on here in my "core belief" post that my belief wasn't even a core belief. Just what someone who feels unworthy every day wants to hear - even your core beliefs aren't good enough.

    Speaking of inadequacy - I overheard my mum on the phone the other day and what she said made me furious. She was saying this in a very forceful and rather spiteful tone, and she said "...well perhaps if they believed in God their life wouldn't be so bad." I really thought she had some nerve to insinuate that in such a spiteful tone.

    Then again, I think spiteful thoughts on a daily basis. So who am I to judge? Oh, just a highly judgemental and overly opinionated person who also feels hard done by and utterly inadequate. What a man. What a catch.

    Ladies look out - here comes trouble.


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