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Fragmented Memories - Think Happy Thoughts!

Well, I'm waiting for my Xbox One to download a 722 MB update over a satellite connection, so I have a few hours to kill, might as well write about what I've been thinking about lately.

Traumatic memories trigger negative emotions because they're encoded in a fragmented manner. Memories have three major properties: Space, Time, and Content. For a traumatic memory to be encoded in a fragmented manner, that means that particular memory lacks the properties of time and space, and only retains the content.

This is why if, say, you were hit by a car once, that seeing a pair of headlights will at least put you at unease if not trigger a full-blown flashback; your brain remembers the headlights (the content of the memory), but it doesn't remember that it was 10 years ago (time) and in a different location (space). Get it? If you don't, the rest of this probably won't make much sense.

In the past, I've never had the patience for decoration that doesn't directly serve a purpose or have a practical function. I would've preferred a toaster to a Van Gogh painting, because the toaster makes you breakfast; the painting occupies space and that's it.

However, someone (Mia I think) started a thread quite a long time ago about keepsakes, or some such, and how those items remind you of experiences. The second part of how traumatic memories are encoded is how they are recalled; we can't just summon those memories from nowhere like we could a phone number or how many pairs of socks you own. No, traumatic memories must be triggered for us to remember them. The person from that example must see a pair of headlights or they may not even remember the accident at all.

I've pondered on the topic of Mia's thread for some time and how it relates to memory in general, and it's occurred to me that not only are traumatic memories encoded in a fragmented manner for me, but ALL memories are encoded in such a way; that's why I have no timeline, by which I mean that if the content of the memory had no context, I wouldn't have a clue as to when or where that memory happened - that is to say, all my memories, whether good, bad, or mundane, are encoded as if they were traumatic memories.

I believe this to be the result of neurological damage caused by Complex PTSD, and for those reading this I would love to know if you notice the same thing.

I came to this realization when I decided to actually decorate my living space for reasons other than beautification, but once it was decorated I noticed something: I was remembering, and not just remember the bad memories over and over but I was remembering good memories that I hadn't thought of in years, and they all had something to do with the individual decorations.

The happy dancing solar-powered sunflower reminded me of the giant sunflowers I used to grow and be so proud of. I swear, I had to cut those things down with a saw like they were trees at the end of the season. Then a picture of a fish reminded me of fishing with my dad as a kid.

And on and on, these decorations started to remind me of happy thoughts, which is unusual because I've tried to summon happy memories before when I really needed a happy memory to think about (you know, "think happy thoughts!") only to realize I have no happy memories, or so I thought. It merely turns out that they must be triggered, by the exact same mechanism by which traumatic memories/flashbacks are triggered.

With further analysis, I concluded that this applies to every memory I have. I don't know whether something happened last week or last month if I don't have some context tied to the content of the memory. This is why when I know I need to remember something important, I'll look at the date/time on my watch while recalling that memory while it's still fresh. That way, even though only the content gets encoded (not the time or space), I've at least got a date and time as part of the content of the memory, like a snapshot.

As for the happy memories, my printer has been very busy printing pictures of things that make me (and by make me I mean force me) to remember happy memories. Just some tape, and a happy thought is up on the wall for whenever I need one.

Whatever works, you know. Think happy thoughts!

Comments

This is interesting and helps me to piece together PTS a little better. The fragmented memories make sense. I read something once that tried to explain that, but you've done a much better job at making sense of it and articulating it!

However, " traumatic memories must be triggered for us to remember them" does not apply to me. I can relive trauma if I think about it or talk about it. It sits in my memory to access freely. But my attacks can be triggered uncontrollably just the same.

I also wonder if fragmented memories are common with ASD? I have this phenomenon with not having a good concept of time. If it happened more than 12 hours ago, it may as well have happened yesterday. If it DID happen yesterday, I'll probably think it happened 3 days ago. If it happened last week, may as well have been a month ago! I keep a calendar and I see the date regularly. I keep daily notes of my body and important info. But that doesn't keep me from having no idea how much time has passed. I wonder if most of my memories store in a content/place format, but lack the time aspect? I generally understand "yeah, this happened recently" or "this was 5 years ago", but unless I have another memory to link something with a date or time of year, I often struggle to place exactly WHEN something happened. I don't know if that makes sense? You worded it better than I :)

You leave me curious... I have a very difficult time conjuring memories, good or bad, from my childhood. I remember certain key events or places with great detail and sensory, but most of my first 15 years of life I don't remember in detail or emotion. I feel like they were mostly unhappy (because they probably were), but I might explore trying to "trigger" some good old memories... :eek:
 
Take pictures during the day with your Smartphone, as if you were on vacation. If I see something that makes me happy, I take a pic of it and keep it in my phone. That way I can trigger the similar happiness when I see it again. Maybe take a pic of a knew Xbox game, for example?
 
This is so interesting Gritches. It would be interesting to know if Sabrina's suggestion works for you. As usual your blog is both thoughtful, insightful and well written. I don't know if PTSD causes these fragmented memories or whether this is more a characteristic of ASD. All I can say is that some of my memories are quite easy to assign a time and place to and some are totally mystifying in that regard and some are even so hard to place I'm not sure if they are real memories or fragments of a dream I've had over and over. Or another way to put it is that some of my dreams seem so real I wonder if they are actually memories that I can't place.
 

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