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Easy breezy

Seem to be stimming more of late. Moments of pure hyperactivity. Some of it is on the drive home. Masking in the office and then a big release that’s needed to acclimate I suppose? Not sure really. It’s short, intense bursts of very loud, random noises and exaggerated movements and all sorts. Better out than in. Stress levels had been a little higher recently, and depression has sort of lingered overhead. Nothing major - not a downpour, just a light drizzle.

Meg was out last night, and other online conversations are pretty sparse in recent months to be honest. If I message Yasin, he might reply intermittently during the day, but it’s never conversations really. He sends some memes and a few jokes, but there’s nothing substantial. If I drop a message to Kristy, she tends to get back to me the same day, we can chat, but it’s lacking substance as well. It’s more like in depth small talk. As we can talk about a wider range of topics, but it still feels like it’s quite superficial. Other people tend to take ages to reply, or just don’t hold my interest truth to be told.

I’m basically lacking in engaging conversation. I suppose if I spoke more to Craig at work, maybe that’d feel a bit more substantial. But at the same time, he’s a work colleague and whilst I think he’s nice enough, we’re not on the same vibe. I guess the theme of the subject here is loneliness once more. The fact I’m actively avoiding 3 people I know locally feels odd. Normally I start feeling lonely enough that I reach out to them, and within minutes of meeting them I regret my decision. So I think I just have to be tough with myself with that. Not sure how else I meet new people. Tried dating sites putting that I’m only looking for friends, and nobody replies to my matches, and those that do can’t hold down a conversation at all – they come across as empty or painfully boring. Can’t staff after work anymore due to the early evenings. Not sure how else I might encounter new people. That is until I get a potential call about a dog walking opportunity from this Cinnamon Trust charity that I joined. Although I received an email yesterday saying that even though I’ve signed up, I might not get contacted in the future.

The earlier evenings mean getting home at gone sunset. Walks up to the river and woods are now off the cards. Unless I start a new routine of going during the early hours. Certainly a possibility. I’d imagine a morning walk, fresh air and sunrise would do me a lot better than sitting in my room for 60-90 minutes each morning.

Drive is low right now. Work takes up most of the energy. But perhaps starting the day with something like a walk would be a way to circumvent the tiredness that I experience after I’m back from work. I think my outlook is a little off, as I feel somewhat stuck in limbo again. Waiting on the van, and acclimating to being friends with Meg, and steering clear of Guy, Marcus and Jack. All the while, trying to learn more about this job so I feel more like a help than a hinderance.

Played a bit of Oblivion last night but barely 30 minutes. Wasn’t really feeling it. I spent 45+ mins installing GTA V but by the time it was ready to play, I was too tired and went to bed. Before that, I had gone straight from work to pick up my weekly food shop from the supermarket. When I got home, I noticed one bag of frozen veg I bought for smoothies contained peas. Suddenly my brain melted a bit and I thought – can you eat them raw? Will I be ok? Then I opened the chest freezer in the garage and saw my parents buy the exact same frozen veg. But rather than think that was convenient or see some amusement in the coincidence – I free falled into assuming they’d start using my stuff by mistake and I ended up not taking any veg out to defrost overnight to blitz in my Nutri Bullet – as had been the plan.

Focus has been off recently. I’m reminded of the ADHD video I have shared a few times of late on forum posts here. How focus kind of fades in and out. You’re focusing on something and then drift off, then drift back, then drift off. This is normal for me – but recently it’s been a lot worse, and unless I’m keen on said task – such as writing this. The focus will be hugely intermittent and I really struggle to get things done.

With customers not wanting to accept shipments of their timber yet, I see a build up of work that I can’t do anything with, which makes me feel a little antsy. I want to get cracking, but for many of these jobs I need to wait weeks. It’s an odd blend of wanting to help – not being able to, not having enough product knowledge to answer seemingly basic questions, but also feeling underemployed once again, yet still not yet competent to carry out various, seemingly basic tasks. What an odd blend of emotions in this current situation.

Only smoking 2 small (regular size Rizla) joints a day at present. Can’t do any more than that as I’m tired too early, plus there’s no point in overdoing it. Also, I don’t enjoy myself when I do smoke too much. Hopefully I can be in some sort of “doing mode” when I get home tonight and carry on with a bit more laundry and do my meal prep ready for work tomorrow. The Huel powders are arriving this morning, which means I can start on this new fangled meal approach tomorrow.

Wehey, I managed to get a job booked in with a haulier. Got another one looking to book in for Monday. Things are happening. I’ve actually been kept busy for nearly an hour. Glory be. Ahhh, utilise me please. I’m just going to have to wait and give it time.

Did the last top row dread last night. Made it a fatty. Plump and long. Got another 3 more dreads and then I’m done. Then I can debate shaving my head or not. Made a video about it, but a lot less silly voices and joking, so I thought not to share it. But seeing as the blogs feel a little less visible, maybe I’ll just post it here instead:


Started to encounter being called by other names again. That’s always an odd one. You can laugh it off of course, and yet I notice I’m often not even vocal or “brave” enough to tell people my actual name. I simply accept being mislabelled as someone else for the call. Strange really. Quite repressed I suppose you could say.

Ahh, Jesus Christ. A tonne of paperwork just came in in one go and my brain is fizzing and fretting trying to make sense of this. Taking a moment. Then I will continue, because right now it’s just a bit too much.

It’s been a few hours and I managed to get everything done that I needed to. Took a step back, priorities bits and worked my way through booking and pre-booking hauliers. Got some good prices. Steven said ideally if we can get it as close to £150 as possible for a delivery, then we’re doing well. Past few weeks I’d been getting low £200’s but today I got 3 bookings for £150.96, £113.83 and £115.44.

Visiting the horses today was nice. I grab some of the very long grass near the beginning of the field and then I feed the mother and the pony. I do feed Molly’s horse, Rupert too. There’s straw bails and I pick up the bits that have fallen on the ground. There’s usually enough to dish up a few handfuls and I spread them out equally amongst the horses, although I give the mother horse bigger handfuls as the pony is still suckling.

Molly’s horse is still very shy. She said he’s at that age that he’s just cantankerous and doesn’t really want affection from anyone. He’s let me make a bit of a fuss, but normally when I slowly put my hand out he moves his head back. The mother horse neighs when she sees me approaching the field, which is nice. I get to make a big fuss of the pony and the mother is a lot more receptive to me stroking her too.

Started making a Google Maps list of places that look suitable to park up the van. Start with local stuff, then work further afield. Farm roads out on the outskirts of nearby villages. Perfect spots to park up overnight. I’m excited.

Reminded myself earlier that I was ok before I met Meg, so I shouldn’t feel too dishevelled when I get down about how things ended. Again – reminding myself that we’re friends, that’s a positive thing, and more productive and healthier than when we were in a relationship. Anxiety is less now we’re not dating. This is a good thing. I pondered it yesterday, and it’s really quite insane how much anxiety I ended up concocting with regards to Meg. Co-dependency really kicked off as soon as I got home after our first meeting. I was starting to feel like I was waiting for her to reply almost immediately. That clinginess, that desire to talk and feeling antsy whilst waiting. It escalated from there.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t exactly ok before I met Meg. Depression was bad, but I’m in a better place now, and the project van probably wouldn’t have come to pass as it has done had I never met Meg. There are way more positives than negatives, and any negatives are probably self-created anyway, and aren’t actually a reality.

Just got 3 more jobs to get ready. Paperwork, yeee. I think this has been my favourite day working here. I’ve had plenty to do, and whilst I had a moment of overwhelm, taking a moment, prioritising my work, doing a few jobs, then taking my lunch break – it all helped.

57 mins to go. Gonna get these jobs done. Head home, do some bits. Few carrier bags of rubbish in my car need putting in a bin bag. Something smells a bit sweet/dank. I think some fruit or some such has gone off. Smells like I might be driving a mobile distillery. Making some moonshine. Moon-mobile.

Laundry, tidy, make lunch, smoke, game, read, music. I can get the chores done within 30 mins. Then I have 3+ hours to chill. Easy breezy. Time to head out.

Ed

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