I've been net-searching research fellow/postdoc/scientist jobs in my small developing country in my husband specialization to no avail. This country doesn't have that many research institutes, let alone any in his field. Seriously, there's no research job in this country for post-phd except for lecturers and maybe only some postdoc.
Furthermore, maybe those jobs need to be applied or 'created' ad-hoc-ly; means we need to meet some insider and ask for jobs. Problem is, we are not good socially so we don't have much connection. People always say I contact them only when I want to ask for help - how do I keep contact with so many people? Thus, I feel bad to ask anybody for job.
And it's not finding jobs for me, but for my husband. He has deep experience in his sub-field, but unfortunately nobody is hiring for that in this small country. This country is not advanced enough for that, and considerably poor. And he's not interested in doing anything outside that field. He has no motivation to pursue any job here. If it's in his own home country, he has connections, society, motivation. His home country has jobs for his specialization. He has team there. No language barrier.
When he moved here, all of that collapsed. This is out of my prediction. I thought research can be done anywhere. I thought no team needed. I thought he will easily get jobs like assistant professor and such. I didn't know that research also need like-minded team. I didn't know that he has no motivation in teaching here. I underestimate the challenge of the need to learn 3 more foreign languages to get by in this country. I underestimate the challenge of not only finding suitable job for him, but also the difficulty of interviews, and how to get-by in this country. His country is easier to live for aspergers I think. While, to get-by in my country, you need to explore more by yourself (ad-hoc). It's also very lonely that he doesn't have anybody to talk with. He also feels low self-esteem since he doesn't have a salaried job here, where in his home country he can easily land a good job. He's depressed and this might also be the reason why he can't fall asleep for weeks.
I dunno, not sure anymore. I'm also very sad. Feeling very guilty. I need to calm down. I'm falling into despair and cannot focus on my own work anymore.
I got a position which is better for him. Should I just breach this scholarship bond and move to his home country? But what if we got divorced - I cant pay the big debt, also it's difficult for me to find job there because of reasons. And he also hesitated since it will take time again to get used to his home country, since he moved here. And I cant just quit immediately - we need to think this thoroughly - the breach, flight during pregnancy/with baby. I'm not satisfied about how shallow our discussion about this - I also tend to run away from this since I'm tired of thinking about it and that I feel alone in making decision. I feel sad that I can't trust him so much to shoulder my debt burden too - he never cares much about financial management since we managed to get-by until now without managing much. But maybe it's just me overthinking it.
Other couples would have breach the bond, and pay in installment. I'm jealous at other people who managed to breach without the need to pay a single cent because of circumstances. I figured that i'm not smart and not lucky enough. I feel bad because I shouldn't feel this way, and that I should be grateful more. But I cant shake this guilty feeling that we made bad decisions because of me and my bond.
.. How can he live and work happily here..? Having no salaried job making him feel no satisfaction in job - he still goes to my uni to do research, even though alone and without salary. I feel sad that moving here 'downgraded' him and he lost his career. I feel sooo guilty af.
Since he moved here, it's almost 2 years. I'm getting impatient, so let's list his accomplishment here so that we dont need to regret much. He managed to focus and finish his important research paper (this is very important for him). He prays daily together at prayer hall. He managed to memorize almost all the things in prayer and after prayer. He learnt some phrases in 3 languages by himself. He takes care of a cat and he does some house work too (previously in his home country he didn't).
Maybe I shouldnt rush since he starts stuttering, and interviews might be difficult for him now - language barrier and no motivation. Perhaps I just need to enroll his in an English conversation class. He has refused all this time because until this morning, he thought that it's in a university class - he feels underestimated since he already have a phd but still need to go to a university class. I mentioned to him that it's not in a university, it's for (working) adults. Then he's okay with it. What??? All these almost 2 years, I didnt manage to get him into a language class, just because of this misunderstanding??
I hope when he joins this language class, he will have more confidence (hope so...) and be cured of the stuttering (he started stuttering last year - probably because of stress, depression, and anxiety being here). And get some friends (hope so...). And then he landed a job that he feels motivated doing. If he managed to secure an assistant prof job, he'll get more opportunities to expand his own research, build his own research team, although the teaching workload is high.. and I'm worried if he can manage any committee job - but without language barrier, maybe he can do it.
Maybe I'm just being impatient. Because it's almost 2 years, but he's getting depressed, insomniac, not used to this country fully yet, and still have the language barrier. And do we need him to go to his beloved job in his home country? It only opens once a year. And another job offer there is maybe the last chance. I dont want us to regret our choices moving here.
Maybe we just need to take it slowly. So now, at least I managed to convince him to go to an english class. Next step is to convince him to take the placement test and decide the date.
Furthermore, maybe those jobs need to be applied or 'created' ad-hoc-ly; means we need to meet some insider and ask for jobs. Problem is, we are not good socially so we don't have much connection. People always say I contact them only when I want to ask for help - how do I keep contact with so many people? Thus, I feel bad to ask anybody for job.
And it's not finding jobs for me, but for my husband. He has deep experience in his sub-field, but unfortunately nobody is hiring for that in this small country. This country is not advanced enough for that, and considerably poor. And he's not interested in doing anything outside that field. He has no motivation to pursue any job here. If it's in his own home country, he has connections, society, motivation. His home country has jobs for his specialization. He has team there. No language barrier.
When he moved here, all of that collapsed. This is out of my prediction. I thought research can be done anywhere. I thought no team needed. I thought he will easily get jobs like assistant professor and such. I didn't know that research also need like-minded team. I didn't know that he has no motivation in teaching here. I underestimate the challenge of the need to learn 3 more foreign languages to get by in this country. I underestimate the challenge of not only finding suitable job for him, but also the difficulty of interviews, and how to get-by in this country. His country is easier to live for aspergers I think. While, to get-by in my country, you need to explore more by yourself (ad-hoc). It's also very lonely that he doesn't have anybody to talk with. He also feels low self-esteem since he doesn't have a salaried job here, where in his home country he can easily land a good job. He's depressed and this might also be the reason why he can't fall asleep for weeks.
I dunno, not sure anymore. I'm also very sad. Feeling very guilty. I need to calm down. I'm falling into despair and cannot focus on my own work anymore.
I got a position which is better for him. Should I just breach this scholarship bond and move to his home country? But what if we got divorced - I cant pay the big debt, also it's difficult for me to find job there because of reasons. And he also hesitated since it will take time again to get used to his home country, since he moved here. And I cant just quit immediately - we need to think this thoroughly - the breach, flight during pregnancy/with baby. I'm not satisfied about how shallow our discussion about this - I also tend to run away from this since I'm tired of thinking about it and that I feel alone in making decision. I feel sad that I can't trust him so much to shoulder my debt burden too - he never cares much about financial management since we managed to get-by until now without managing much. But maybe it's just me overthinking it.
Other couples would have breach the bond, and pay in installment. I'm jealous at other people who managed to breach without the need to pay a single cent because of circumstances. I figured that i'm not smart and not lucky enough. I feel bad because I shouldn't feel this way, and that I should be grateful more. But I cant shake this guilty feeling that we made bad decisions because of me and my bond.
.. How can he live and work happily here..? Having no salaried job making him feel no satisfaction in job - he still goes to my uni to do research, even though alone and without salary. I feel sad that moving here 'downgraded' him and he lost his career. I feel sooo guilty af.
Since he moved here, it's almost 2 years. I'm getting impatient, so let's list his accomplishment here so that we dont need to regret much. He managed to focus and finish his important research paper (this is very important for him). He prays daily together at prayer hall. He managed to memorize almost all the things in prayer and after prayer. He learnt some phrases in 3 languages by himself. He takes care of a cat and he does some house work too (previously in his home country he didn't).
Maybe I shouldnt rush since he starts stuttering, and interviews might be difficult for him now - language barrier and no motivation. Perhaps I just need to enroll his in an English conversation class. He has refused all this time because until this morning, he thought that it's in a university class - he feels underestimated since he already have a phd but still need to go to a university class. I mentioned to him that it's not in a university, it's for (working) adults. Then he's okay with it. What??? All these almost 2 years, I didnt manage to get him into a language class, just because of this misunderstanding??
I hope when he joins this language class, he will have more confidence (hope so...) and be cured of the stuttering (he started stuttering last year - probably because of stress, depression, and anxiety being here). And get some friends (hope so...). And then he landed a job that he feels motivated doing. If he managed to secure an assistant prof job, he'll get more opportunities to expand his own research, build his own research team, although the teaching workload is high.. and I'm worried if he can manage any committee job - but without language barrier, maybe he can do it.
Maybe I'm just being impatient. Because it's almost 2 years, but he's getting depressed, insomniac, not used to this country fully yet, and still have the language barrier. And do we need him to go to his beloved job in his home country? It only opens once a year. And another job offer there is maybe the last chance. I dont want us to regret our choices moving here.
Maybe we just need to take it slowly. So now, at least I managed to convince him to go to an english class. Next step is to convince him to take the placement test and decide the date.
