I'll write a quick summary, After many years of trying to be an outgoing person i ended up sort of giving up and becoming a complete shut in, And have been most of my life now, I leave the house maybe once a month.
In doing so i managed to avoid a lot of depression i was getting by trying to force something that was destroying me at the time and i've been sort of 'content' with life up until a year or so now, I'm 28 and i have absolutely zero going for me, I can't work, I can't meet anyone in person without help and conditions and i have basically no friends online because i'm just incredibly shy.
I am a little frustrated with things currently because i really want some 'normal' things like love, possibly a family of my own one day, and friends just like a lot of other people but i am utterly convinced i'll never have those things and it really really hurts to think about it, I know people often say things will get better but having had that mindset for over 10 years and not managing to get anywhere at all i just really don't know what to do with myself, This whole part of me is really really confusing because i'm one of the nicest people in the world but i'm also one of the most scared. I've had so many wrong situations occur in the past when i tried to become a more outgoing person and make things better than overall it made everything just.. worst and i almost lost my life a few times due to intense bullying.
I just really really am stuck, If i seek therapy it has the opposite effect on me because all i will think about is "Now i'm expected to go outside" and that thought will circle and circle until i have a meltdown, But at the same time i really need something.. positive now. I don't know i'm just very stuck.
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