This is a very honest blog post so I’m just going to forewarn everyone that self-harm and suicidal thoughts are topics discussed in this entry.
Today was horrible (gosh this is getting worse and worse every day hopefully tomorrow goes okay coz like this is getting very bad very quick) today was horrible for my mental health like I am really really struggling, and I can’t fix it when I am stuck in this campervan.
This morning I woke up and instantly felt that sinking feeling when I realized I still had a blade intended for self-harm hidden under my pillow because I don’t know how else I am supposed to deal with my feelings at the moment other than to cut even though I know it’s going to make me feel worse so I think I’ll not do that. I had a shower and cried like I think I have every morning I have showered on this trip because I am alone in the bathrooms usually and crying in the shower is really just the best option and now you all know my secret…. Well some of it.
Nothing really much happened today we went and saw ummmm……let me think……nope nothing really. Sorry about that tomorrow however is going to be exciting stay tuned for that.
We went to the supermarket to get food because people need food apparently and then we started driving which seemed to be quite dangerous in a camper van due to the very gusty wind trying to blow us off the road. So we took a stop in a town and had lunch well actually I won and managed to get away with skipping lunch so I win on that front anyways then we started driving again.
I was in the back seat with mum for a change and my sister was up the front which made all of my anxiety over her getting car sick go away so that was nice, mum and I listened to a podcast (podcasts seem to be a reoccurring theme here) and we got to Te Anau, it is very beautiful here with the lake and all and we went to out camp ground which only has free wifi in the common area so I guess I’ll get up early tomorrow to post this without having to interact with anyone or I’ll just post it using my data on my phone. We had chips and dip a kiwi classic and while that was happening I managed to tip over a can of coke which is when things really started to go downhill.
Dad was annoyed and frustrated with me which is fair it’s been 6 days in this van of hell but for someone who is already wanting to self-harm and a little suicidal this was really hard because also this time a year ago when we were caravanning I left the family and went to jamboree leaving them without me which I imagine to be much better because I wasn’t there to mess things up and be a burden and annoyance to them which is completely how I feel I think they would be much better without me but like here I am with them anyways. This incident happened and we went for a walk about an hour after which was when I finally calmed down and like am back to only slightly wanting to die again so that’s good I guess.
Did anything else happen today…..I don’t think so. That’s about all sorry about how depressing that was but it’s the truth is 100% what I am dealing with and I needed to share it because I needed to process. So I will go to sleep praying for peace in this yet again and see you all tomorrow after my what I hope will be fun adventure.
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