Recently i have told a couple people i am depressed, and they were very shocked. this confuses me. i dont feel that i have been an outwardly "happy" person, especially because people accuse me from looking sad to looking like i shoot dope up my arm. Anyways I woke up crying. I am worried I am not strong enough for this life. I am realizing all the effort I put in educating myself, learnign new skills, exposing myself to new subjects of interest for the same of appearing more valuable as a person, none of this matters. nobody cares about all this work i've done on myself. Things are beginning to lose point. to lose value. I am not talking about romantic relationship. I am talking about in general. Generally, people dont care about what comes out of my mouth, but what goes in it. I feel mostly disappointed by work. i love my job but i'll never be valued. its not the job. its me. I have been a dishwasher and be talked down to like i was a big idiot, and all i had to do was wash dishes. I picked up so many shifts, closed so many times on time, and tried to socialize, but it didnt matter. that was my first job, and it has been like that for any job i've been in.
I also lost contact with my counselor. I have been thinking about messaging her agan (i broke my computer is what happened), but she never got anything done. she would always say she'd help me with thse programs, and nothig happened. i couldnt even get a pet deposit in time. i dont think she even ever sent it.
my brother and my mom are in a toxic codependent relationship. my brother is wildly manicx (has bipolar disorder). and my mom once more went out there to be taken advantage of by him. this makes me sad for the relationship they are stuck in. but when i talked about it out loud to someone i didnt realizxe that what really bothered me was that my mom prioritized my brother over her own life, and that if she ended up dying becuse of him, which she has considered (he is very unpredictable and dangerous), then that leaves me alone. I guess I realizied i am still not that important to my mom.
i mostly feel trapped. i feel liek thres no point in talking abouit it wtih anyone. nobody cares. everyone is selfish. we all have problems.
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