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Day 9: Some spiraling

By Moonhart44 · Oct 3, 2020 · ·
  1. Recently i have told a couple people i am depressed, and they were very shocked. this confuses me. i dont feel that i have been an outwardly "happy" person, especially because people accuse me from looking sad to looking like i shoot dope up my arm. Anyways I woke up crying. I am worried I am not strong enough for this life. I am realizing all the effort I put in educating myself, learnign new skills, exposing myself to new subjects of interest for the same of appearing more valuable as a person, none of this matters. nobody cares about all this work i've done on myself. Things are beginning to lose point. to lose value. I am not talking about romantic relationship. I am talking about in general. Generally, people dont care about what comes out of my mouth, but what goes in it. I feel mostly disappointed by work. i love my job but i'll never be valued. its not the job. its me. I have been a dishwasher and be talked down to like i was a big idiot, and all i had to do was wash dishes. I picked up so many shifts, closed so many times on time, and tried to socialize, but it didnt matter. that was my first job, and it has been like that for any job i've been in.
    I also lost contact with my counselor. I have been thinking about messaging her agan (i broke my computer is what happened), but she never got anything done. she would always say she'd help me with thse programs, and nothig happened. i couldnt even get a pet deposit in time. i dont think she even ever sent it.
    my brother and my mom are in a toxic codependent relationship. my brother is wildly manicx (has bipolar disorder). and my mom once more went out there to be taken advantage of by him. this makes me sad for the relationship they are stuck in. but when i talked about it out loud to someone i didnt realizxe that what really bothered me was that my mom prioritized my brother over her own life, and that if she ended up dying becuse of him, which she has considered (he is very unpredictable and dangerous), then that leaves me alone. I guess I realizied i am still not that important to my mom.
    i mostly feel trapped. i feel liek thres no point in talking abouit it wtih anyone. nobody cares. everyone is selfish. we all have problems.

    About Author

    Moonhart44
    I am an Los Angeles native who moved to Virginia in an attempt to travel. I am an artist by trade, and passionate about my job. I have two pets: a dwelf sphynx and a pug (the pug came with me to Virginia from California). My counselor diagnosed me with Severe Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Autsim Spectrum Disorder 1. I am also currently trying to get my Masters. I have a BA in Psych, double minor in art and writing, and working on my Masters in Art History.

Comments

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  1. Rae Ray
    U write very well. U moved across the USA to travel. U have all this education to better yourself and hopefully find a job in your field. You have done some Amazing thing in your lifetime. I am very impressed ! Smiles
      Moonhart44 and Joshua Aaron like this.
    1. Moonhart44
      thank you, although you may find that my laziness will dilapidate my structure haha.
      Rae Ray likes this.
  2. Mrs Twillight Zone
    You are not alone in thinking like this. Even "neurotypical" people have these thoughts. We all feel like this at some stage. I myself feel a bit like this as I am pushing 50 and wonder where the so called light at the end of the tunnel is. Probably an oncoming train to run over me...
      Joshua Aaron likes this.
    1. Moonhart44
      Yeh I am worried about my mom for this reason. as far as i know, she is NT, she is well accomplished, and beautiful (defintely a milf or cougar) but is always alone. i see her as being worth so much and i am worried she doesnt feel that inside.
      Mrs Twillight Zone likes this.
  3. some/aspies/need/hugs/13
    It sounds like things haven't been easy for you lately if you need to talk about it there are a lot of people on the forum who can help and they are all here to help each other also may I say that you are very open and that is a good thing also I find it useful to when I am feeling like no one cares to just snuggle up with a pet or a teddy bear also another thing you can do is to call someone you have known since you were a kid and talk to them
      Joshua Aaron likes this.
    1. Moonhart44
      i am a naturally open person (also paradoxically a very private person) but i am pretty sure everyone relates to my feelings and in that sense i am not alone. but i dont like to talk about these things, because i don't like the solution, so i just internalize it. i dont like talking about my problems to people unless i am ready for the solution. otherwise its just complaining to me, and no body cares for that, based on how i see people treat others who do vent (even if its too their friends).
      Mrs Twillight Zone likes this.
  4. Joshua Aaron
    We're here for you, @Moonhart44. You can talk to us if you need help.
      Moonhart44 likes this.