I am supposed to go to a radiation simulation for my cancer. They are going to tattoo me, and make a plaster cast of my body so that I can't move during the radiation.
I abhor the very thought of all this, and I am in so much dread that I can't function. I promised myself I would never do radiation.
I saw my pet scan on Tuesday and it showed the cancer is almost all gone, but it has in its wake, nearly eaten through my bone, leaving only a tiny twig to support my body. My doctor said that if I don't finish my treatment I will lose the bone and lose the fight.
I don't want to do radiation. I prematurely ended chemo.
I'm really scared and having second, third, and fourth thoughts about this whole thing. I was up much of the night. I was in the kitchen around five this morning stimming like crazy, flapping my hands, shaking my head, and spinning in circles.
I am so so so so so so so so so scared. I am not strong and never once have I fought cancer. Everyone always tells me to be strong and keep fighting. But I'm just trying to be a good girl for everyone, and stay alive so my daughter can have a mom. That's all.
I just want to not be in pain and see my daughter grow up.
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