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Could be worse.

By Yeshuasdaughter · Feb 6, 2020 · ·
  1. I am supposed to go to a radiation simulation for my cancer. They are going to tattoo me, and make a plaster cast of my body so that I can't move during the radiation.

    I abhor the very thought of all this, and I am in so much dread that I can't function. I promised myself I would never do radiation.

    I saw my pet scan on Tuesday and it showed the cancer is almost all gone, but it has in its wake, nearly eaten through my bone, leaving only a tiny twig to support my body. My doctor said that if I don't finish my treatment I will lose the bone and lose the fight.

    I don't want to do radiation. I prematurely ended chemo.

    I'm really scared and having second, third, and fourth thoughts about this whole thing. I was up much of the night. I was in the kitchen around five this morning stimming like crazy, flapping my hands, shaking my head, and spinning in circles.

    I am so so so so so so so so so scared. I am not strong and never once have I fought cancer. Everyone always tells me to be strong and keep fighting. But I'm just trying to be a good girl for everyone, and stay alive so my daughter can have a mom. That's all.

    I just want to not be in pain and see my daughter grow up.

Comments

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  1. GadAbout
    The forum I used when I had breast cancer was Breastcancer.org - Breast Cancer Information and Support.

    I couldn't recommend any particular one for cancer generally. You could google cancertype and forum, and something might come up.

    You could also google Gilda's Club (named for Gilda Radner) which is a support organization for cancer patients and their support network (families etc). If there is one in your area, see what they have to offer. They might also have online forums, I don't really know.
  2. GadAbout
    Are you getting enough support? For instance, the American Cancer Society can give you rides to and from treatment, and they also have support groups. Also there are online cancer support groups with forums like the one for autism support. It just seems you are so alone in all this.

    I had breast cancer and while it was only a very mild small one, I will share that the cliche "take it one day at a time" was helpful. I also was very active in making my own treatment plan, declining any chemo or hormone treatments and specifying what kind of radiation I wanted. I think helping to chart one's own course gives one a little peace.

    I took Buddhist prayer beads with me to every treatment. I used them to meditate and pray. I know you have a faith, and that's a good thing.
      Yeshuasdaughter and Aspychata like this.
    1. Yeshuasdaughter
      Thank you!

      I just got into a car wreck last month and I didn't know how I'd get to radiation. Thank you, I'm going to check out the Cancer Society for rides :)

      Do you know a good online cancer forum?
  3. Aspychata
    Wow, didn't realise how much you were going through. Know this is a tough time and then you are stuck with tough choices. Can you talk to anybody who has had the same thing you are going through? Hope your doctor has been there and tried to help you. Your daughter- she knows you love her. Please try to take time for yourself. Don't beat yourself up about what people say to you, they don't walk in your shoes.
      Yeshuasdaughter likes this.
    1. Yeshuasdaughter
  4. #JasonRed2020
    If you don't mind, I would like to pray for you. My aunt went through a similar situation. She said she managed to get through by having our family pray for her and that we told her how much we loved her. That was 7 years ago and is still alive healthy. We are here for you and care about you.
    1. Yeshuasdaughter
      Yes that would be so wonderful
      #JasonRed2020 likes this.